Adrift

The sermon this weekend was completely apropos. Why is it that nearly every week in church tears spring to my eyes, and of course I never remember to bring a tissue?

Our pastor has been preaching on misplaced confidence. He says that often times when we sin, there is a sin beneath the sin. We can work hard at trying to be better, but there is likely something underlying the sin, for instance a wrong view of ourselves. This is so true for me, as I’m realizing that I still have a faulty view of my self-worth, which is broken on a very deep level. I have come so far (through my relationship with God, counseling, and wonderful female friends), yet I still struggle in this area.

All of us have some degree of misplaced confidence, relying on some idol other than God for our happiness. We rely on our own strength to get through life or to earn God’s favor, rather than living the truth that we are righteous in God’s eyes not because of anything we could do, but because Jesus Christ already did it for us.

The pastor said that if you are a Christian, despite your misplaced confidence, God will not reject you (Just as God did not reject David, despite David’s numerous moral failures and misplaced confidence)!

As I was sitting in church thinking about the pastor’s statements, I realized that I do worry that God will reject me. I am so sinful, and I lack so much faith. I am rebellious and I am weak, and while I truly desire to live God’s will and to be the Godly woman that He longs for me to be, I fall so short.

The good news is that because I fall short of God’s glory, I need His grace. I need Jesus Christ’s death on my behalf. I need the Holy Spirit indwelling in my heart to guide me. I cannot do it on my own.

Yet I often find myself subconsciously believing lies. I worry that God will reject me because I am not perfect. I am far from comprehending God’s grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Note the word “unmerited.” I do not deserve it, yet I get it anyway!

The insecurity I feel in my relationship with God, feeling like he will reject me based on poor or imperfect performance, is the same insecurity I feel in dating relationships. I do not really understand how I can be imperfect yet still lovable, in God’s eyes or in the eyes of a boyfriend. While my perfectionism is advantageous in a lot of areas, as it drives me toward excellence and mastery, which gives me a sense of confidence and self-worth, my perfectionism is also a drawback. It is not as extreme as it used to be, as God has healed me greatly, but I often subconsciously feel like if I am not perfect, I am a failure.

Once again, I have a difficult time grasping God’s grace. Certainly, I am growing in this area, and I understand it more now than I did a few years ago, but I have so far to go in my walk (which, of course, can never be realized in this lifetime).

In dating relationships, I never feel like they will work out. I always find “reasons” why someone is not right for me, which is relatively easy because no one is perfect. I then proceed to doubt myself and feel ambivalent and stressed, overanalyzing everything. Why can’t I just relax and trust God? Is it that I have not met the right person? I am confident that none of the guys I dated in the past were right for me. Yet I still feel that something inside me is broken, that I do not have a right view of relationships.

Do I (deep down) feel like relationships won’t work out because of me (rather than the “reasons” why the guy is not right for me)? I am not perfect, and I do not feel worthy of love, and perhaps I project this onto others. I do not truly believe that God will bring me my heart’s desire.

Yet God tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). He tells me that He will meet all my needs (Philippians 4:19), so that whatever is broken inside me, He will heal in His perfect timing.

I don’t know the answers. I hate that this life is full of so much struggle. I am so frustrated that the thing I long for the most, which is to be married and to have that partnership and friendship and love, seems so unattainable. I hate that I feel so inept at relationships, when God has put such a strong desire on my heart to have them. (Before I became a Christian, I did not care as much about having close friendships or getting married.) I know intellectually that God is with me and that He is walking me through it, but emotionally, I still feel like I am adrift on an ocean of uncertainty.

Overanalyzing

I had lunch with my friend Jessica* a few days ago, and of course we discussed relationships (two women across a lunch table, come on). I filled her in on my recent romantic relationship ups and downs, and I mentioned the ambivalence I usually feel in relationships and how I tend to over-analyze them (thinking that if I can just analyze them enough, they will somehow work out). I have a hard time giving it to God and trusting that He is in control, and He is there for me regardless of the outcome.

Jessica helped me to see that much of my uneasiness in dating relationships is a result of deep-rooted self-worth issues, which ultimately is a lack of faith in God.

Jessica remarked that it seemed like my faith was very strong, at least compared with many of the people in her life (to me, my faith seems so weak!). She asked why I have so little trust in God in romantic relationships, yet I seem to have much more trust in Him to see me through other situations, like finances, career, friendships, or other struggles.

After processing her question for a bit, I realized that deep down, I do not feel worthy of a loving, healthy relationship. I do not believe that someone could want to marry me or spend his life with me. I suppose this is a result of my upbringing and mistreatment in past relationships. And I do not believe that God would really bring me someone who could love me so deeply (likely because I do not fully believe that He loves me so deeply).

When Ryan*, my current boyfriend, makes statements that affirm how much he likes me, wants to spend time with me, and sees a future with me, it’s like two seconds later those statements are out of my head. It is as if I cannot at all internalize the fact that he likes me and cares for me. This is so frustrating because I feel like I can never relax, I try to keep him at arms length “just in case,” and I constantly question the relationship.

I constantly want to fall back on my performance. I have read 348,489 books on dating and relationships, and I want to follow every single piece of advice in those books, as if it is my performance that will determine whether a relationship will “work” or fail, as if my performance determines my self-worth. Hmm, this idea sounds a lot like my relationship with God. I constantly find myself trying to “do good” to earn God’s favor rather than relying on His strength and living the gospel, that Jesus did it all, and nothing I can do will earn God’s favor. He loves me because of the work that Jesus Christ already did for me on the cross.

As an INTJ, I am constantly attempting to achieve mastery. But relationships are messy, and I will never do them perfectly. However, I am constantly striving to do so (in my own strength, of course, neglecting to rely on God).

At least I am not alone, as there are fellow INTJs on the intjforum writing about similar relationship struggles:

- By nature INTJs can be demanding in their expectations, and they approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result INTJs may not always respond to a spontaneous infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria.

- Wishing to control nature, the INTJ "scientist" probably has more difficulty than all other types in making up his or her mind in mate selection.

- Even mate selection must be done in a scientific way. It may well be that the narratives, plays, and films impugning the "rational and objective" approach to mating have as their target our thorough-going scientist INTJ.

- Courtship is a special problem for Masterminds, since they regard the selection of a proper mate as a rational process, a matter of finding someone who correlates highly with their mental list of physical and intellectual requirements.

-INTJs tend to be confident in their choices / decisions / assumptions but doubt themselves.

I am thankful to know that I am not alone.

I am not sure what God is doing, but lately He has brought a lot of my ex-boyfriends back into my life. These are guys that I do not contact, except Johnny, who calls me a couple of times a year.
1. James*: We dated for 3 years when I was in college, and we broke up because he was emotionally and phyically abusive, and I was extremely codependent. I have seen him one time, briefly, in over ten years, but I ran into him at the gym yesterday. He remarked what a great catch I am, how I’m the best woman he’s ever dated.
2. Johnny*: We dated for 2 years when I was in my early 20s, and the relationship ended because he is an alcoholic (in denial). He said we weren't a great fit because I didn't like to party as much as he did (true). His alcoholism and my inexperience and low self-esteem got in the way of healthy communication, so we grew apart. As I said a above, we do talk a few times a year, but he has never expressed any feeling for me beyond friendship in over six years. However, a couple of weeks ago he sent me an email telling me he loves me and would like to get married to me.
3. William*: We dated for about 8 months and broke up not quite a year ago. Our relationship was very emotionally unhealthy; he was emotionally abusive, and while my self-esteem is much better than it was ten years ago, I still have some healing to do. He still obsessively emails me (and would call/text me but I had to change my phone number). He writes how wonderful I am, how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he wants to get back together. I asked him numerous times not to contact me anymore, and five months ago I stopped responding to him at all, but he still emails me. Finally, I had my pastor contact him and tell him to leave me alone, and now William sends my pastor five page emails saying how much he loves me.
4. The Fireman*: We dated for about 2 months recently, and he wrote on his blog just a couple of days ago that he wants to get back together with me as his birthday present (about 2 weeks from now). The Fireman is a great guy, but he's not right for me.

Despite these affirmations of that I must be a “good catch,” and despite Ryan’s words of affirmation in our relationship, why can’t I just believe that I am valuable to someone? Why can’t I simply relax and enjoy dating someone without constantly trying to keep up my walls or give myself an “out”? Why do I have to over-analyze everything? Is it that I have not yet met the right guy? Or is it my lack of faith? Certainly none of the guys I mentioned above would have been right for me.

Why is it that I have so much self-confidence in almost every other area of my life, but when it comes to dating or backing into parking spaces, I feel completely inept?

The positive part of these struggles is that I am reminded of my need for my Savior. Only He can heal me. Only He can meet my needs. And He will walk me through these issues, just as He has walked me through issues of career, finances, and friendships.

*Names have been changed.

My Abusive Ex Gives Relationship Advice

When I was 18 years old, so about 13 years ago, I met and dated this guy James* for several years, and James was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me. James was a textbook narcissist (exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success/power/brilliance, believes he is special, requires excessive admiration, sense of entitlement, takes advangage of others, lacks empathy, is envious of others, and displays arrogant or haughty behavior). I was young and lacked any semblance of self-esteem whatsoever, and I fell for his charm at first. The relationship ended when we finally broke up and he began stalking me. I called the police, who confronted him, and thankfully I never heard from him again.

Until today. (Actually, I had a very brief encounter with him about 3 years ago, but nothing came of it). So I see him at the gym, and it was somewhat surreal. I mean, this is a guy who treated me horribly, he was beyond cruel to me. I've been through a lot of counseling, and he has no power over me anymore. I do not ever think of him.

He followed me around the gym for at least 40 minutes, talking to me as I worked out. I made little eye contact and barely acknowledged what he said, but he kept talking as if I cared (exaggerated sense of self-importance). He barely asked anything about my life, which is fine with me. He eventually asked if I am married (no). He then asked if I wanted to go out with him, as if he has erased the fact that our last encounter - essentially the police telling him to stay away from me or he would get locked up - from his mind (I'm sure in his mind we had a great relationship, he probably saw himself as a stellar boyfriend).

The conversation went something like this, because I kept walking away from him to rehydrate at the water fountain:
James: You need to carry around a water bottle.
Me: I don’t like baggage. And yes, I mean that as a double entendre.
James: So would you want to go out with me since you’re not married.
Me: Oh, I have a boyfriend.

I told James that I have a boyfriend (true), not that I would have gone out with him anyway (ugh). James asked what my boyfriend (Ryan*) did for a living, and told him, and I talked about how awesome Ryan is and how much I like him.

James asked me if I thought I was going to marry Ryan, and I replied that I don't know. James also asked if I love my boyfriend, and I replied that I haven't been dating him long enough to be in love with him. I don't fall in love easily, I said.

James said that everyone he knows who is married "just knew" right away that their date would be their future spouse. He essentially told me that because I am unsure, that Ryan is not the right guy for me.

All of this bothers me on some level. I told Ryan about it, and he makes a good point. James is 40 years old, never married, has gone on one date in the past five years (according to him), and is clearly VERY lonely. Why am I even the least bit concerned what he says about relationships? And Ryan remarked that very few people, if any, are 100% sure.

Side note: How is it that narcissists, with their utter lack of true empathy, nonetheless know exactly where our vulnerabilities are? They know just where to drive the dagger in to knock us off balance so that we doubt ourselves. They are overtly building us up ("you are a great catch," he said, "you are in very good shape") but they are subtly tearing us down.

Yet in a general sense, apart from the comments that James made, I often feel ambivalent in relationships, and this uncertainty causes a lot of anguish for me. I am an INTJ, and I like things decided. It is very challenging for me to just enjoy the process without having some sense of the outcome. I often wonder if anyone will be right enough for me, if I will always feel ambivalent because of my over-analysis. Or if I simply haven't met the right guy.

In any event, James said he's moving out of the country in two days, so that case is closed in my book. As for finding The One, I am trusting in God. He will let me know what I need to know in His timing.

*Names have been changed

The List

My girlfriends and I frequently talk to each other about our Lists. The List is an itemized inventory of all the qualifications we are looking for in a potential husband.

I sometimes think that what men are looking for in a woman is:
1. Attractiveness
2. Shared Interests (optional)
3. Good Character (optional)
Once those criteria are checked off, within about the first five minutes of meeting a woman, he is satisfied that she is suitable for him. He then does not worry or constantly overanalyze the relationship as they begin to date and get more serious. He is basically happy and content, and his main source of unhappiness comes when he feels he is not able to make her happy.

Women, on the other hand, do not have such a simple checklist. We have catalogued and cross-referenced databases with which all men must be analyzed and evaluated. Our extensive Lists are a great source of stress and ambiguity in our lives and dating (mis-)adventures, and we are constantly updating and editing our Lists.

There are thousands of books written addressing the topic of qualities to seek in a mate (all purchased and read by women, of course). I have read approximately 4,589 of them.

Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, avers that we should come up with a list of 10 “must haves” and 10 “can’t stands,” qualities that are deal breakers in a relationship. He also states that there are 29 dimensions of compatibility, and that in happy marriages, partners are compatible in at least 26 of these areas.

John Gottman proposes seven principles for making a marriage work, although that does not really address what people should look for in a date who may become a potential mate.

I had lunch last week with my dear friend Emily*, who has a wonderful, strong, and happy marriage to her husband. She remarked that when she was single, she had lists, too, but at the time she started dating her future husband, she had four qualifications that she was seeking in a man.

1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.

Emily said that these conditions are not for everyone, but for her, she felt that these are what God wanted for her. I wrote them down and have been thinking about our conversation now for several days. Her list is certainly simpler than mine. And it worked out very well in her life.

I am not sure what this means for me. I wish I were better able to trust in God in all areas of my life, but specifically with regards to dating. I often erroneously believe that if I overanalyze my relationships and tweak my List into perfection (read: in my own strength), then I will be in control of my love life and I will live happily ever after.

But God is sovereign, He knows His plan for my life, and He wants me to put my faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself daily (actually, on a minute-by-minute basis) that God is in control, I can cast my worries on Him, I can do all things through Him, and He will use all things together for good. I am thankful that He is sovereign and that I am not, and thankful that I am not perfect because it is a reminder of how much I need Him.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

*Names have been changed.

Love Languages

I have been thinking about love.

Gary Chapman has written several books about the 5 Love Languages, which are ways in which people express and interpret love. People feel most loved when their partner “speaks” their love language. These languages can be learned once you know what to look for, and they can help you care for your partner in ways that are most meaningful to him or her.

The 5 Love Languages are as follows (adapted from www.5lovelanguages.com):

Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. You like being affirmed and told you are important and missed when your partner is away.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. You do not care what you do, necessarily, but you enjoy just being with your partner.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

I had a general idea of the love languages that are most important to me, but I just took the online quiz and I was a bit surprised when Physical Touch came out far ahead of the others. I love physical affection like hugs and kisses and holding hands, and I love sitting close to someone with whom I‘m in a relationship. I feel most loved when my boyfriend is very affectionate with me. My family of origin is not affectionate at all, and I do not tend to be physically affectionate with friends, but in a romantic relationship, it is very important to me. Conversely, I feel extremely hurt and rejected when affection is withdrawn or withheld.

Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are also important to me, though less so than Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for when a man gives me his undivided attention, when it is clear that he enjoys my company and wants to get to know me. Slightly less important, but still very meaningful in my language of love, is the sense of being verbally affirmed. I feel loved when a man tells me he misses me, when he tells me that I make him happy, or when he tells me he likes it that I am a part of his life.

Acts of Service and Gifts are appreciated, as they are thoughtful gestures, but they do not necessarily make me feel more loved. I once dated someone who spoke primarily these two languages; he got me little gifts or items he knew I needed, and he tried to do things for me that made my life easier. I really appreciated his efforts. But when he did give me words of affirmation, I was surprised. Because while I valued his actions and tokens of his care and concern, they did not make me feel loved.

My dad speaks almost exclusively in the Acts of Service love language. He shows my brothers and me that he loves us by working on our cars. For a month or so, I have had some general maintenance issues with my car with which I knew I needed his help, and then a few days ago, I started having problems with my brakes, and I called my dad in a panic. He reassured me that everything was fine, that I could come by his house and switch cars with him, drive his car, and that he would take care of everything.

Two days later, he called me and told me my car was ready. He put on four new brakes, turned the rotors, put in a new sensor and solenoid for the EGR component, replaced the air filter, changed the oil, and checked all the fluids. I am extremely thankful to my dad for taking care of me by taking care of my car. I work in non-profit and would have had a hard time paying for these repairs had I taken my car into the shop. Almost as valuable as the financial aspect is the fact that my dad saved me a lot of worry and time spent waiting on repairs.

So, while Acts of Service is my fourth of five love languages, I am very appreciative that my dad’s love language is Acts of Service. I feel that God is showing His love for me and His provision for me through my earthly dad, and I feel so blessed and loved. I also feel enormously appreciative and thankful to my dad and to God, who always provides for me exactly what I need.

Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

My Pet INTP

My new intrigue, Ryan* (who reads this blog and now occasionally refers to himself in the third person as Ryan, which pleases me to no end), is a Myers-Briggs personality type INTP, and seeing as how his personality is quite similar to mine as an INTJ, I am interested in his inner being and how it contributes to our interactions together. He is both dominant and very affectionate. He is up front and honest about his life and wants me to be a part of it, yet he does not really let me into his inner being. He is very independent and I am surprised when he says, “I wish I could see you all the time. I wish you lived with me.”

I have two other male friends who are INTP personality types, and while they are each unique, they definitely remind me of one another.

Incidentally, if you want to know your Myers-Briggs personality, you can find out by taking this online test.

So what is an INTP? And how do they relate to INTJ?

- INTP likes to exert dominance, and they like to be right. They do not take things at face value and often find the weakness in another’s statement or argument. They will tend to correct others if the shade of meaning is off. I am confident that an INTP will refute this point.

- INTP is not naturally tuned into other’s feelings. Their feeling function is the least developed of all four functions, with their thinking function taking the lead. Therefore, they do not naturally share their inner feelings, nor do they realize quite when another’s feelings may be hurt (even an INTJ, who is also said to have no feelings and rarely takes things personally).

- They are not naturally well-equipped to meet the emotional needs of others because they do not understand the (logical) relevance of taking subjective emotions into consideration. They do not mean to be this way and often to not realize how insensitive they come across.

- They hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves worthy of hearing the INTPs thoughts.

- INTP tends to be very faithful and loyal in relationships and has no interest in playing games. They will often call out another person’s misbehavior if tested.

- INTJ and INTP tend to “get” each other and communicate well. INTP tends to get bored easily, but will not easily be bored by the complex INTJ. Generally speaking, INTJ and INTP tend to be intellectual equals.

- Both INTJ and INTP highly value knowledge, analyze everything, and constantly imagine how things could be improved. The difference is that the INTP often abandons a project after the dreaming/planning stage, as it is already “completed” in their minds once they have imagined it. They prefer to leave the implementation to others. An INTJ is more likely to see a project to its perfect completion.

- INTP and INTJ are both highly independent, original, and complex.

- INTP has a rich and complex inner life but relatively simple and uncomplicated external life. Both INTP and INTJ can have trouble reconciling their rich and imaginative inner worlds with the actuality of external circumstances.

- Both INTP and INTJ are rare types, each comprising only 1-2% of the population. They both believe themselves (correctly so) to be special.

- INTP likes to analyze things they do not understand (like the complexity of an INTJ) and are bored by things that are too simple or easily understood. The INTJ also analyzes everything, but the difference is that the INTJ strives for mastery and proficiency, whereas the INTP is satisfied with simply analyzing.

- Both INTP and INTJ will tell themselves that they are detached, but they might be more attached (or at least drawn) to each other than they are willing to admit.

- INTJ and INTP have a natural ability to fundamentally understand and respect one another (rare for both types to find this level of respect and understanding with others).

*not his real name

The Importance of Same-Sex Friendships

My friend Roy Keely wrote on his blog today some things that I have thought about but have not been clever enough to articulate. He avers that, assuming you have healthy friendships:

When men do not connect/hang/love other men they:

•don’t lead
•their aspirations fizzle
•they stare at porn
•they get fat and watch reality TV with their wife or girlfriend
•we never meet expectations, not even our own

When women do not connect/hang/love other women they;

•become nags
•they crave control, if they lose it they become more of #1
•they hate both men and women
•their expectations get higher, no-one can ever meet them

In the end this boils down to where the gospel is meeting you….and if you are meeting with the gospel I believe it eventually leads to healthy same-sex relationships.