Love Languages

I have been thinking about love.

Gary Chapman has written several books about the 5 Love Languages, which are ways in which people express and interpret love. People feel most loved when their partner “speaks” their love language. These languages can be learned once you know what to look for, and they can help you care for your partner in ways that are most meaningful to him or her.

The 5 Love Languages are as follows (adapted from www.5lovelanguages.com):

Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. You like being affirmed and told you are important and missed when your partner is away.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. You do not care what you do, necessarily, but you enjoy just being with your partner.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

I had a general idea of the love languages that are most important to me, but I just took the online quiz and I was a bit surprised when Physical Touch came out far ahead of the others. I love physical affection like hugs and kisses and holding hands, and I love sitting close to someone with whom I‘m in a relationship. I feel most loved when my boyfriend is very affectionate with me. My family of origin is not affectionate at all, and I do not tend to be physically affectionate with friends, but in a romantic relationship, it is very important to me. Conversely, I feel extremely hurt and rejected when affection is withdrawn or withheld.

Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are also important to me, though less so than Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for when a man gives me his undivided attention, when it is clear that he enjoys my company and wants to get to know me. Slightly less important, but still very meaningful in my language of love, is the sense of being verbally affirmed. I feel loved when a man tells me he misses me, when he tells me that I make him happy, or when he tells me he likes it that I am a part of his life.

Acts of Service and Gifts are appreciated, as they are thoughtful gestures, but they do not necessarily make me feel more loved. I once dated someone who spoke primarily these two languages; he got me little gifts or items he knew I needed, and he tried to do things for me that made my life easier. I really appreciated his efforts. But when he did give me words of affirmation, I was surprised. Because while I valued his actions and tokens of his care and concern, they did not make me feel loved.

My dad speaks almost exclusively in the Acts of Service love language. He shows my brothers and me that he loves us by working on our cars. For a month or so, I have had some general maintenance issues with my car with which I knew I needed his help, and then a few days ago, I started having problems with my brakes, and I called my dad in a panic. He reassured me that everything was fine, that I could come by his house and switch cars with him, drive his car, and that he would take care of everything.

Two days later, he called me and told me my car was ready. He put on four new brakes, turned the rotors, put in a new sensor and solenoid for the EGR component, replaced the air filter, changed the oil, and checked all the fluids. I am extremely thankful to my dad for taking care of me by taking care of my car. I work in non-profit and would have had a hard time paying for these repairs had I taken my car into the shop. Almost as valuable as the financial aspect is the fact that my dad saved me a lot of worry and time spent waiting on repairs.

So, while Acts of Service is my fourth of five love languages, I am very appreciative that my dad’s love language is Acts of Service. I feel that God is showing His love for me and His provision for me through my earthly dad, and I feel so blessed and loved. I also feel enormously appreciative and thankful to my dad and to God, who always provides for me exactly what I need.

Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!