Adrift

The sermon this weekend was completely apropos. Why is it that nearly every week in church tears spring to my eyes, and of course I never remember to bring a tissue?

Our pastor has been preaching on misplaced confidence. He says that often times when we sin, there is a sin beneath the sin. We can work hard at trying to be better, but there is likely something underlying the sin, for instance a wrong view of ourselves. This is so true for me, as I’m realizing that I still have a faulty view of my self-worth, which is broken on a very deep level. I have come so far (through my relationship with God, counseling, and wonderful female friends), yet I still struggle in this area.

All of us have some degree of misplaced confidence, relying on some idol other than God for our happiness. We rely on our own strength to get through life or to earn God’s favor, rather than living the truth that we are righteous in God’s eyes not because of anything we could do, but because Jesus Christ already did it for us.

The pastor said that if you are a Christian, despite your misplaced confidence, God will not reject you (Just as God did not reject David, despite David’s numerous moral failures and misplaced confidence)!

As I was sitting in church thinking about the pastor’s statements, I realized that I do worry that God will reject me. I am so sinful, and I lack so much faith. I am rebellious and I am weak, and while I truly desire to live God’s will and to be the Godly woman that He longs for me to be, I fall so short.

The good news is that because I fall short of God’s glory, I need His grace. I need Jesus Christ’s death on my behalf. I need the Holy Spirit indwelling in my heart to guide me. I cannot do it on my own.

Yet I often find myself subconsciously believing lies. I worry that God will reject me because I am not perfect. I am far from comprehending God’s grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Note the word “unmerited.” I do not deserve it, yet I get it anyway!

The insecurity I feel in my relationship with God, feeling like he will reject me based on poor or imperfect performance, is the same insecurity I feel in dating relationships. I do not really understand how I can be imperfect yet still lovable, in God’s eyes or in the eyes of a boyfriend. While my perfectionism is advantageous in a lot of areas, as it drives me toward excellence and mastery, which gives me a sense of confidence and self-worth, my perfectionism is also a drawback. It is not as extreme as it used to be, as God has healed me greatly, but I often subconsciously feel like if I am not perfect, I am a failure.

Once again, I have a difficult time grasping God’s grace. Certainly, I am growing in this area, and I understand it more now than I did a few years ago, but I have so far to go in my walk (which, of course, can never be realized in this lifetime).

In dating relationships, I never feel like they will work out. I always find “reasons” why someone is not right for me, which is relatively easy because no one is perfect. I then proceed to doubt myself and feel ambivalent and stressed, overanalyzing everything. Why can’t I just relax and trust God? Is it that I have not met the right person? I am confident that none of the guys I dated in the past were right for me. Yet I still feel that something inside me is broken, that I do not have a right view of relationships.

Do I (deep down) feel like relationships won’t work out because of me (rather than the “reasons” why the guy is not right for me)? I am not perfect, and I do not feel worthy of love, and perhaps I project this onto others. I do not truly believe that God will bring me my heart’s desire.

Yet God tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). He tells me that He will meet all my needs (Philippians 4:19), so that whatever is broken inside me, He will heal in His perfect timing.

I don’t know the answers. I hate that this life is full of so much struggle. I am so frustrated that the thing I long for the most, which is to be married and to have that partnership and friendship and love, seems so unattainable. I hate that I feel so inept at relationships, when God has put such a strong desire on my heart to have them. (Before I became a Christian, I did not care as much about having close friendships or getting married.) I know intellectually that God is with me and that He is walking me through it, but emotionally, I still feel like I am adrift on an ocean of uncertainty.

My Abusive Ex Gives Relationship Advice

When I was 18 years old, so about 13 years ago, I met and dated this guy James* for several years, and James was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me. James was a textbook narcissist (exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success/power/brilliance, believes he is special, requires excessive admiration, sense of entitlement, takes advangage of others, lacks empathy, is envious of others, and displays arrogant or haughty behavior). I was young and lacked any semblance of self-esteem whatsoever, and I fell for his charm at first. The relationship ended when we finally broke up and he began stalking me. I called the police, who confronted him, and thankfully I never heard from him again.

Until today. (Actually, I had a very brief encounter with him about 3 years ago, but nothing came of it). So I see him at the gym, and it was somewhat surreal. I mean, this is a guy who treated me horribly, he was beyond cruel to me. I've been through a lot of counseling, and he has no power over me anymore. I do not ever think of him.

He followed me around the gym for at least 40 minutes, talking to me as I worked out. I made little eye contact and barely acknowledged what he said, but he kept talking as if I cared (exaggerated sense of self-importance). He barely asked anything about my life, which is fine with me. He eventually asked if I am married (no). He then asked if I wanted to go out with him, as if he has erased the fact that our last encounter - essentially the police telling him to stay away from me or he would get locked up - from his mind (I'm sure in his mind we had a great relationship, he probably saw himself as a stellar boyfriend).

The conversation went something like this, because I kept walking away from him to rehydrate at the water fountain:
James: You need to carry around a water bottle.
Me: I don’t like baggage. And yes, I mean that as a double entendre.
James: So would you want to go out with me since you’re not married.
Me: Oh, I have a boyfriend.

I told James that I have a boyfriend (true), not that I would have gone out with him anyway (ugh). James asked what my boyfriend (Ryan*) did for a living, and told him, and I talked about how awesome Ryan is and how much I like him.

James asked me if I thought I was going to marry Ryan, and I replied that I don't know. James also asked if I love my boyfriend, and I replied that I haven't been dating him long enough to be in love with him. I don't fall in love easily, I said.

James said that everyone he knows who is married "just knew" right away that their date would be their future spouse. He essentially told me that because I am unsure, that Ryan is not the right guy for me.

All of this bothers me on some level. I told Ryan about it, and he makes a good point. James is 40 years old, never married, has gone on one date in the past five years (according to him), and is clearly VERY lonely. Why am I even the least bit concerned what he says about relationships? And Ryan remarked that very few people, if any, are 100% sure.

Side note: How is it that narcissists, with their utter lack of true empathy, nonetheless know exactly where our vulnerabilities are? They know just where to drive the dagger in to knock us off balance so that we doubt ourselves. They are overtly building us up ("you are a great catch," he said, "you are in very good shape") but they are subtly tearing us down.

Yet in a general sense, apart from the comments that James made, I often feel ambivalent in relationships, and this uncertainty causes a lot of anguish for me. I am an INTJ, and I like things decided. It is very challenging for me to just enjoy the process without having some sense of the outcome. I often wonder if anyone will be right enough for me, if I will always feel ambivalent because of my over-analysis. Or if I simply haven't met the right guy.

In any event, James said he's moving out of the country in two days, so that case is closed in my book. As for finding The One, I am trusting in God. He will let me know what I need to know in His timing.

*Names have been changed