Favorites of 2009

The annum is drawing to a close, and I am reflecting on the struggles and the blessings of the past year. I am so thankful for the people in my life, my health, my job, and the psychological, spiritual, and physical growth I’ve experienced this year. In reflection, there are some items that have improved my life, or that I’ve simply enjoyed having. These items were not necessarily created/published/invented in 2009, but I discovered them over the past year.

Books:

“The Path of Loneliness” by Elisabeth Elliot – Elliot has so many nuggets of wisdom sprinkled throughout her book. I have struggled with loneliness a great deal this year, and Elliot’s wisdom has helped me to understand my struggles as a gift from God. I think on a subconscious level, I believed my struggles were punishment, but that is not the truth. If I don’t have something, it is because I don’t need it, as God has promised that He will provide all I need (Phil 4:19).

“I Hate You; Don’t Leave Me” by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus – This book is fascinating to those who are interested in psychology. It helped me to understand Borderline Personality Disorder in general, as well as specific people in my life. (Disclaimer: I am a trained professional counselor; I do not advocate diagnoses by lay people, as erroneous labeling can be damaging.)

“Why is it Always about You?” by Sandy Hotchkiss – Hotchkiss explains more about narcissism, not just as a diagnosable personality disorder, but as a general character flaw. We all have narcissists in our lives, and this book helped me to better understand them. The bottom line: Stay away from Borderlines and Narcissists if at all possible.

Music:

Intimacy Remixed – This album by Bloc Party comprises my favorite music of 2009. Kele Okereke and his electronic-edged Brit punk band are talented and original. Their lyrics are amazing (so many artists use clichés and common metaphors, but Bloc Party writes original and extremely poetic lyrics). The music itself is very unique, dynamic, and complex. When I listen, I feel like I melt into the music and it flows through me, and I’m always a sucker for a good remix.

Home:

Charlie’s Soap Detergent – This laundry detergent has changed my life. It is inexpensive as compared with major brands of liquid detergent, and it is biodegradable, hypoallergenic, and free of dyes and perfumes. It works well on my athletic clothing, as well as my general daytime wear. I can no longer use regular detergent, as I cannot tolerate the artificial perfumes.

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Whey Protein – I perform strength training and cardiovascular exercise every day. I broke my vegan diet about six months ago in order to cut down on the amount of soy I was consuming and to increase my protein intake. Within a few weeks, I lost a lot of water weight, and over the past several months, I have put on more muscle and gained in strength. Adding a few protein shakes a day has helped me meet my protein requirements and balance out my diet.

MAC Eye Shadow and Pigment – MAC Cosmetics has had a cult following for many years, but I just discovered why this year. MAC eye shadows and pigments are the best I have ever used: they are highly pigmented, blend easily, and they come in so many lovely shades. I get many compliments on my eyes from women when I wear MAC, although guys seem to prefer my face with less makeup. Once you go MAC, you will never go back.

Activities:

Crossfit – A few months ago, I added crossfit workouts to my strength training and cardio exercise at the gym. These varied, fast-paced workouts have helped me to get stronger and leaner. The fun Workouts of the Day, which are given women’s names, are fun and challenging. I enjoy the Fran workout, which involves completing a series of thrusters and pull-ups as quickly as possible.

Georgia Aquarium – My boyfriend, before he was my boyfriend, and before he knew I hated surprises, surprised me with a trip to the Georgia Aquarium for my birthday this year. It was amazing, and I loved seeing all the tanks filled with interesting fish. My favorite creatures were these little worm-like animals that were rooted in the sand, and I highly enjoyed the shark tank. I also loved touching the sting rays, and I wanted to steal one of the mini-sharks, but security is pretty tight at the Aquarium and they were watching me like a hawk.

Bodies Exhibit – I loved the Bodies exhibit at Atlantic Station. I am very interested in science, especially anatomy and physiology, and the Bodies Exhibit exceeded my expectations. Also, I went with one of my favorite people, who happens to be very knowledgeable about the human body and diseases, as he is a paramedic.
Bible verses:

Romans 8:1 – Romans continues to be my favorite book of the Bible, and Paul is my favorite author. Self-condemnation is an area of struggle for me, but Paul reminds me that I am free from condemnation now that I have a personal relationship with Christ.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

Psalm 37:4 – The psalms are balm when experiencing times of turmoil and anxiety. God via David reminds us that He wants us to have the desires of our heart.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

You Are What You Wear

Though I do not wish to have children, I often think about what kind of mom I would be. Of course, it is easy to idealize my parental attitudes and behaviors when I am merely hypothesizing. In practice, I’d probably be a basket case.

There are so many choices that parents make that drastically alter a child’s life. Do I perpetuate lies to my child year after year about Santa, the fictitious gent who advocates obesity and consumerism? Do I allow my child to consume artery-clogging, hormone-altering chick nugs and big macs for the sake of convenience? Do I sacrifice my time, identity in the workforce, and energy in order to home school my children, granting them a superior education vis a vis the public school system?

Most notably is the question of what my child would wear. Do I impart style or frugality? Appearance is everything in our culture, so do I teach my child to use the system to his or her advantage, or to rebel against it?

I am an advocate of allowing children to make their own age-appropriate choices in order to foster independence, creativity, and critical thinking skills. I like the idea of allowing my child to choose his or her own outfits and ensembles. Yet, I would still be the parent purchasing the clothing. Would I help cultivate my child’s sense of style?

Just as there are websites dedicated to fashion, to my horror, I discovered a website dedicated to fashionable babies. I do not know whether to be amused or appalled.

Douglas Fir Fields Forever

As I was waiting to check out at the grocery store a few days ago, I overheard the woman in front of me complaining to the cashier that no one seemed to be smiling. The woman wondered why, just days before a festive holiday such as Christmas, everyone seemed grumpy and impatient. The cashier, who was simply trying to make it through the day, wearily attempted to engage in the conversation. The cashier agreed and replied, “I almost wore my Christmas earrings today. I have some dangling Santas and Christmas trees.”

I immediately piped up. “You ARE wearing Christmas earrings,” I noted. She was wearing gold crosses in her earlobes. You could see the realization slowly dawning across her face as she thought about that.

Just today as I was checking out, another cashier at a different store asked me if I was ready for Christmas. I thought of Jesus, the Christmas Eve services that I am looking forward to attending, and time with my family and boyfriend that I will enjoy, and I replied in the affirmative. I then politely returned the question, and she began telling me how she had all her Christmas shopping done, though she had not wrapped any presents yet. She expounded on her debt and stress over Christmas, but concluded by saying, “It will be worth it to see the looks on my grandkids’ faces when they open their presents.”

It struck me that the focus of Christmas to this woman is shopping and the (albeit empty and meaningless) fulfillment of young ones via material things.

Why does the question, “Are you ready for Christmas?” mean in our society, “Have you finished your shopping?” I find the question and its implied intent odd, and it gives me pause. The natural small talk of our society around this holy-day centers not on God’s amazing and profound love for us, and the sacrifice of His precious son for a wretch like me. It seems to be centered on consumerism, materialism, and false happiness.

As you may know, I protest consumerism and do not buy gifts for anyone for Christmas. I also do not watch television, in part because advertising and commercials pollute my mental environment. While watching television, we are bombarded with messages that essentially persuade us that stuff will make us happy. If we buy the right car/beer/diet pills, we will be comfortable, we will be attractive, we will meet the right woman, and we will be perceived as successful.

God makes a lot of promises to us. But a life of comfort, attractiveness, love, and success are not on His list. And certainly no earthly things will satisfy us. God says to us through Matthew,
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21).

Fulfillment, love, joy, and peace are found in Christ alone. And what better time to thank God for Himself than at Christmas time, the time when He sent his son to live and die on our behalf? After all, Christmas is still Christmas without presents and a tree. But without Christ, it’s just -mas.

Loneliness

Do you ever look into a person's eyes when (s)he thinks no one is watching? What do you see? At times, I forget that we are all living lives of quiet desperation, and that most of us are simply trying to make it through the day. At times, I feel like I am the only one experiencing the pain of loneliness.

I work at a church, and many times, people are honest about sin as a philosophical concept, but not necessarily open about their sin as an ugly, unctuous reality. We talk about it intellectually, and we can confess our respectable sins, like struggle with lust, tithing, or reading our Bibles, but we do not admit our deep and loathsome struggles. We engage in hypothetical dialogue, but we do not feel safe sharing the lacerations of our heart, the wounds of our humanity.

I have been thinking a lot about loneliness recently. I have struggled with a deep sense of loneliness for a long time, sometimes a dull ache in the back of my throat, and other times a poignant pang in the center my chest.

For quite a while, I have assumed that my loneliness is a sin problem. I know intellectually that God is all I need. If I feel lonely, it is because I do not trust Him enough. I often believe, somewhat subconsciously, that I am feeling lonely because of the choices I make. I seek comfort, control, power, and approval from sources other than God. And as one consequence of those idols, I struggle emotionally. The loneliness I feel is my fault, I think to myself. It is a result of my sinful heart.

But I have been reading “The Path of Loneliness,” by Elisabeth Elliott, and she avers that loneliness and struggle are “gifts” from God. He knows everything about me, and He knows what will happen, and He may allow seasons of struggle and feelings of loneliness for a purpose. Everything I experience is part of the sanctification process. Elliott's words gave me pause, because what I thought was my sin may be God’s gift to me; it may be His bidding.

The loneliness I feel comes from three sources. In a general sense, I feel existential loneliness as a result of The Fall, Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden, where we lost our glory and perfect relationship with God. We all experience what Irvin Yalom calls existential isolation, as no one can know us completely or meet all our needs. More specifically, I feel loneliness as a result of circumstances that I did not choose, such as the lack of emotional connectedness in my family of origin and my general temperament. I also feel loneliness because of my own sinful heart, because of the choices I make and because I do not turn to God to meet my needs. Rather, I take matters into my own hands and try to fix my issues in my own strength, rather than seeking God.

It has occurred to me that the real issue is not so much the loneliness I am feeling, but it is the self-condemnation. I have been condemning myself for my struggles. Why am I so hard on myself? Romans 8:1 tells me that I am free from condemnation. Whether my struggle comes from my own choices or circumstances beyond my control, God forgives me. Completely. I am free.

A friend reminded me that Satan has no power unless God grants it. While I am still responsible for my sin, God allows it and ultimately uses all things for good (Romans 8:28). God gives Satan whatever power he has. For instance, in Job 1:8, it is God who suggests Job to Satan. So even in my transgressions, God is present, orchestrating all things with His mighty hand.

Tim Keller says that humility is not thinking less of oneself, it is thinking of oneself less. I realize now that I have been worrying too much about what I am doing or not doing. I have been self-focused. The condemnation I have felt is about me, not God.

Most likely, my loneliness is a combination both of my own sinful heart and God’s doing. Part of the answer is to focus on God in prayer and petition rather than dwelling within myself. I am unable to do anything in my own strength; it is God who gives me strength, and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (Phil. 4:13).

Thankfulness

When I stop to think about it, I find it astounding that the Word of God, everything we need to know, is written in a book that is so easily accessible (at least in the United States) and so compact. Of the Bibles I own, my favorite copy fits easily in my purse. Yet despite its diminutive size, it teaches me something new every time I open it. God’s Word brings me comfort and peace, security and wisdom.

In recent months, I’ve been thinking a lot about God’s grace, particularly with regards to my thoughts and behaviors - my performance. Intellectually, I know that nothing I do or don’t do can make God love me any more. And nothing I do can make Him love me any less. Yet I am human, and a perfectionist, and at times I feel discouraged that I am not doing enough, or I am not doing the right things. At times I worry that I am not living the life that God wants me to live. I feel like I fall so short of what He wants for me.

At these times, I have found that I am most encouraged by meditating not on what I think God wants me to do for Him, but what God has done for me. In an eternal sense, He has given me new life and salvation, the promise of restoration and everlasting life with Him. In a temporal sense, He has filled the sense of emptiness I felt for much of my life. He has given me faith, hope, love, ministry, friends, and He has built my character.

Today, on Thanksgiving Day, I am thankful for His promises to me. What follows are a few of my favorite verses and the blessings I have as a daughter of Christ.

1. I am thankful for the grace of God, His forgiveness, and my adoption as His daughter.

Ephesians 1:4-8 - For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

2. I am thankful that God delights in me, that He loves me.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

3. I am thankful for hope.

Romans 5: 1-5 - Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

4. I am thankful that God wants us to have the desires of our hearts.

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5. I am thankful that I do not need to worry or be anxious, because God is in control.

Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

6. I am thankful for the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23a - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

7. I am thankful that God sent his only son to live the life I should have lived, to die the death I deserve to die, so that I have eternal life.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Friendship

A couple of weeks ago, an old friend whom I‘ll call Susie, actually the sister of a friend with whom I keep in touch a few times a year, called me out of the blue just to chat. Susie has been having a bit of a rough time lately, feeling anxious and discouraged, and she hoped it would help to talk to me.

A couple of weeks before she called, I had been talking to my therapist about loneliness. The impending holidays, combined with some personal struggles, have brought on a sense of alienation and isolation. Naturally, my therapist encouraged me to reach out to others. She advised me to call my closest friends at the times when I feel sad and withdrawn.

While her counsel makes sense rationally, it is difficult for me to reach out to others. I do not want to bother or burden my friends with my struggles. I want to appear as though I have it all together. I do not mind talking about past struggles, but when it comes to current trials, I try to deal with them on my own.

God must have a sense of irony, because just when I thought, “I’ll deal with these feelings by myself,” Susie called asking for a friend to help her talk through her struggles. And did I think she was bothering me, as I would have felt if I had been the call-ee? Not in the slightest. I felt honored that she would open up to me; I felt great respect that she could ask for a friend when in need. I admire her for seeking to grow by reaching out to others. As it turns out, we have much in common, and I felt cared for by her, as we could relate on many issues.

I discussed with her my reluctance to reach out to others, and as it turns out, Susie has the same fears. She contacted me because she was at a point of desperation, but she iterated how difficult it is to call friends when she is struggling. She recounted friends who seem to drain her emotional energy, and she does not want to become one of those people. Of course, if she is worried about being a selfish friend in the first place, she has nothing to worry about. This phenomenon is similar to the admonition that you only have to fret about being insane if you think you are perfectly sane.

When God provides people in our lives, why do we keep to ourselves? Why do we, as women, feel guilty for sharing our burdens with others? How can we reach out to each other more? How can I better care for myself and my friends? Why do we feel so alone at times, while we often share the same struggles?

I am thankful for the women in my life, and for seemingly arbitrary kinship, though it was in God’s plan all along.

What Would Jesus Buy?

This may come as news to some, but the holidays are not just about buying crap. In fact, they do not have to be about buying anything.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and while many are planning their meals, buying their turkeys and tofurkeys, cleaning their houses for guests, and dreading the re-emergence of family dynamics and old grievances, I have been pontificating on what it means to be thankful. You may argue, not entirely erroneously, that Thanksgiving is really about some pilgrims and a big rock. But according to Wikipedia, the ultimate source for reliable and well-researched information, before Thanksgiving was a secular holiday, it was originally meant as a special occasion on which to give thanks to God.

I have heard virtually nothing in popular media about thankfulness as we approach the feast day. However, much as I try to avoid popular media, I have been bombarded by references to Black Friday. Does the name sound ominous to you? I cringe every time I hear the term.

Somehow in our society, we have managed to turn two major holidays (originally meant as occasions on which to thank God and celebrate Him) and the entire interceding month into a consumeristic nightmare. Why is our society so eager to numb out on shopping malls, super marts, and discount stores? Does it seem strange to you that talking about God in popular media is mildly taboo, yet it is perfectly acceptable to convince the masses that happiness is found in a clearance sale?

Does anyone remember that Thanksgiving is about being thankful for the blessings in our lives, and that Christmas is about the birth of Christ, the almighty God born on Earth as a living, breathing infant, poor and homeless?

Personally, I have protested consumerism for years, particularly around the holidays. As a result, my stress levels are at an all-time low, and I am more able to focus on the aspects of the holidays that are important to me. Lately, I have been focused on what I should be doing or not doing, but now is the time to focus on what God has done for me.

The day after Thanksgiving is affectionately known by many as Buy Nothing Day. Participate by not participating. And consider what Thanksgiving and the ensuing days mean to you.

What is Love?

What is love? Not the Haddaway version from “Night at the Roxbury.”

Unexpectedly, someone reminded me yesterday what love is. I did not realize that I had lost sight of the true meaning of love. But gradually over time, I had been confused and misled, thinking that love was . . . I do not even know what I had thought. Maybe love had become conditional.

But love is written clearly and concisely in God’s Word in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Even more important than feeling loved by others (or perhaps as a prerequisite) is to love oneself. Of course, God's love is the ultimate precondition. Because of the kindness of a friend, I suddenly realized that I have not loved myself well recently. I have been anything but patient with and kind to myself. I have been keeping record of all my mistakes and feeling angry and frustrated with myself.

I am thankful that God has loved me in so many ways, no matter what my behavior has been toward myself. He is patient and steadfast, always there listening and guiding me. He exhibits His kindness through the loving kindnesses of His people who leave me a simple note of thanks or who make time to listen when I am sad. Christ came to Earth, the son of God, yet He did not seek power, approval, comfort, or control. God does not hold my sins against me.

Love is a friend who can tell me that I make things too complicated, and who reminds me of the Truth.

Playing With Fire

Yesterday I had the great privilege of visiting a fire station. The first thing I noticed, and the most disappointing part of the trip was that there was no pole, as the fire house only had one floor. I had really been looking forward to risking life and limb by sliding down it. Unfortunately, the government has banned these poles in certain counties because of liability reasons. Too many people get injured. What are they learning in Fireman School if not how to slide down the pole?

Nonetheless, when my awesome pal, who I call The Fireman even to people who know his real name, invited me to visit him at work (aka The Station), I was enthused. I got to meet real live firemen who put their lives on the line every day to protect civilians like me. Well, actually, they only had one call that day from a woman who had called 911 complaining of some nausea and diarrhea that turned out to be nothing but a mild case of the flu. And technically, firemen do not work every day, they work every third day.

But these guys work hard when they are at The Station. I got to see some very special crayon drawings of fire trucks they had colored to decorate their bulletin board. And while I was there, they made me feel right at home - like one of the guys, really. We sat in the comfy day room and watched some major league baseball on their 52" screen television while we chewed the fat about people at the gym who are annoying. (I happen to have met The Fireman at the gym, so we know some of the same characters, and thus had plenty of fodder for discussion.) For instance, we analyzed the forty-something divorcee who seems to be looking for attention a bit too desperately. And we laughed together about the young guy who is overweight but thinks that he is hot and often pulls up his shirt while flexing in front of the mirror. Ugh, gross.

I loved when The Fireman took me on the EMS truck and showed me all the drugs and medical supplies they have. I made sure with my own eyes that they had plenty of individually wrapped packets of fingernail polish remover in stock. He checked my blood pressure and heart rate to make sure I was not dying of excitement. Then he showed me the Jaws of Life, which are housed on the fire engine, and about which I have always had a sick curiosity. I got to sit in the driver's seat of the engine. Finally, he showed me a panel of buttons and levers on the side of the fire truck, but The Fireman said he had no idea what any of that stuff did.

All in all, I had a great time, and I am very thankful to The Fireman for an educational and enjoyable experience.

For the Guys

Some of my male readers began to give me strange looks after my last post, and I certainly do not want the other half of the population to feel neglected. Guys, here are some first date suggestions for you. Your feedback is welcome and appreciated.

1. Be confident: Women are very attracted to confident (not cocky) men. If you struggle with self-esteem, get some counseling. Learn your strengths. You are unique and have a lot to offer. Your problem is not so much your shortcomings (everyone has them) as your lack of confidence in your strengths.

2. Pursue her: Make the first move. Then allow her a counter-move. Do not wait for her to show interest in you before you pursue her. Yes, this is more risky for you because you may be rejected, but you are a man, and women love when a man is willing to take a risk that protects her heart. Once you ask her out, allow her the option of saying yes or no. If she says no, respect her boundaries. Do not try to act like her friend and wait around until she changes her mind. You will be relegated to the dreaded friend zone in her eyes. And she will end up feeling obligated and resentful because you are acting like her friend when you really want something else. Trust me, this will never get you the girl. Move on to someone who is into you. If she says yes, then it is up to you to make the next move again.

3. Take her somewhere unique: No girl gets excited about going to Chili's on a first date. Dinner dates are cliche, and many women will be highly impressed if you come up with a more unusual date idea: the art museum, trivia, botanical gardens, or a concert. Planning these sorts of dates shows that you are willing to put in effort and that you want her to feel special. Though dinner is not my personal preference for a first date, going out to dinner is fine as long as you select a restaurant with character and originality.

4. Offer two options: You want to appear confident and assertive, yet you want her to feel that you care about her interests and opinions. When you offer two options, you are able to exhibit both decisiveness and concern for her. Come up with two date ideas, and offer her a choice: "comedy or drama?" will let you know what type of movie she likes. Have two picked out before you ask, or you will end up asking her more questions and thereby appear indecisive. If you've picked out two lovely restaurants, ask her if she prefers "Thai or Parisian?" Offer her two days of the week: "Are you free on Thursday or Saturday?"

5. Do not feed her lines: Women can smell insincerity a mile away, though we are often too gracious to call you on it. Be advised that we will share it with our girlfriends via phone or text the minute we go to the restroom to "freshen up." Be genuine and compliment her if you like, as women appreciate encouragement, but if you give all women the same cheesy pick up lines ("Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"), she may pretend to be flattered, but she will see right through your pretense and lose respect for you. Specific compliments ("I love that dress on you. The blue really makes your eyes sparkle.") are better than general ones ("You look nice.").

6. Physical touch: Guys have asked me if they should kiss a girl on a first date. You want her to know you are interested (again, avoid the repugnant friend zone), yet you do not want to come on too strong. Some women will be more forward than others. I recommend using physical touch in other ways on a first date: touch her back, her shoulder, or hold her hand. Protect her heart by waiting to kiss her until you are sure you want to date her for a while. A kiss to a woman means emotional involvement, so try to respect that fact. If it feels right, go for it, but just remember that kissing means something different to a woman than it does to a man. My Christian readers will have a different take on this issue than my non-Christian readers.

7. Do not go after a woman who is involved with another guy: It sounds self-evident, but I see it all the time. Guys get interested in a woman who is involved with a jerk, and they think they can rescue her. All you will do by befriending her is become her friend. By pursuing her, you will make her feel suffocated and disrespected. She is not available for you, so leave her alone.

8. Call her: If you are interested in her after your date, call her within a couple of days. Do not wait for her to pursue you. Be a man and pick up the phone. By doing so, you are exhibiting confidence, decisiveness, assertiveness, and respect. These are all qualities that women find very attractive.

9. Do not later ask her for information about her single friends: If it does not work out between the two of you, do not ask her if her dark-haired friend is single. Surely you can meet women in other ways, or at the least, find out from another source if said femme is unattached. I know it sounds obvious, but this happened to me recently. It just makes you come across as immature.

Good luck with your love life. Let me know how it goes.

First Date Rules

In a few short days, a dear friend of mine has a first date with a new guy she met online. She says that she hates playing The Game and wants to Just Be Herself, but unfortunately, many women tend to make some basic first date faux pas. I am certainly not a relationship expert, but I have imparted a list of guidelines for my friend that are helpful for first dates.

I do believe you should be authentic. Do not be deliberately elusive or dishonest. However, you do not want to give him all of you on a first date. You want to guard your precious heart from becoming involved too quickly, and you want him to be intrigued by you so that he will want to know you better.

1. Be confident: Let's face it, even the most beautiful women loathe aspects of their appearance. But on a first date, do not say anything self-deprecating. If you are not secure and confident, try pretending that you are. Act as if you believe you are a worthwhile person who feels competent and attractive.

2. Be mysterious: Focus on the present, and do not delve into past relationships, especially relationship failures or who did what to whom. If asked directly, give a brief and casual reply, but keep the focus of the conversation on your life in the present. You want to keep a man curious about you, and you want to guard your heart. When he asks you questions about your inner being, it is tempting to open up to him and spill your whole life story, but once he knows all about you, he will be bored and you will wonder why he never calls again. If the relationship progresses, you will have plenty of time for him to get to know you.

3. Remember you are doing him a favor: This rule goes along with having confidence. Go on the date with a mindset that he gets to experience the pleasure of your company. If you feel like he is doing you a favor by taking you out, you may need to work on your self-esteem a bit. Most women struggle with self-esteem, but most women have many awesome qualities. Focus on those good qualities. He asked you out for a reason.

4. Do not offer your phone number or email unless asked directly: If he does not already have your contact information, do not offer it freely. Make him work for it. The way cognitive dissonance works is that thinking changes to match behavior. If he has to make effort and actively pursue you, he will value you more.

5. End the date first: You want to leave him wanting more, so try to be the one to conclude the date. When the dinner or activity is over, tell him it is time for you to go. You do not have to give a reason or flimsy excuse. It is simply time for the date to end. You may feel like you want to spend five more hours staring into his eyes and telling him your deepest feelings, but again, you want to maintain an air of mystery. Make him work to get to know you. Leave him curious and he will call you again.

6. Do not mention your future with him: At the conclusion of the date, do not say that you will talk to him soon or see him again. These are his lines. If he asks you directly if you would like to go out again, you may say yes if you are interested. Otherwise, you may simply thank him for the date and leave it at that.

7. Do not contact him after the date: Do not follow up with him via email, text, phone call, my space, or facebook. Pursuing you and being the leader of the relationship is his job. Do not take his responsibility away from him. Over the hours and days following the date, you will likely convince yourself to just send him a quick note to thank him and surreptitiously remind him that you exist and are interested, but refrain from it. If he is interested in you, he will contact you.

8. Keep it short: When he does contact you to set up a second date, keep the conversation short, around five minutes long. Again, you will leave him wanting more, and he will pursue you harder. Act pleasant, do not ask him what he has been doing all week (you know you just want to see why he did not call you sooner, but let it go), and let him lead the conversation. If he does not contact you, do not worry or take it personally. Perhaps he has other women or obligations in his life, or maybe he simply is not right for you.

Buyer Beware Part II

When I was a teen, I longed for my mom to instill wisdom and advice about dating, cosmetics, fashion, and life. Sadly, she was not able to impart any such advice, likely becuase she simply did not have the knowledge to give. And perhaps I did not know how to articulate my needs to her.

So, my life has been a constant quest of trial and error to figure out what works.

As for dating, romantic relationships are surely my Achilles heel. While I have the ability to discern other people's relational issues with clarity, and while I am highly insightful about others' relationships, I feel inept when it comes to my own. I wonder why the knowledge and self-confidence that serve me so well in other facets of my life seem to fail me when it comes to my own interpersonal (mis)adventures with men.

On the other hand, I have found a few things in life that work. It is not much, but it is something.

1. Women's Ultra Mega Vitamins by GNC: I am a vegetarian, so I like to supplement my diet with extra vitamins. I take one or two vitamins every day, and these are the best I have found. When I switch to another brand, I feel lethargic, and when I switch back to the GNC brand, I feel energetic and healthy. I buy the kind without iron, as it can mess with my digestive system. A bottle of 180 caplets, which lasts 6 months if you take one per day, is $33.

2. Time Wise Age Fighting Moisturizer by Mary Kay: I am very skeptical of more expensive brands, as many of them are not superior to generic brands. I am picky about what I put on my face as I have sensitive skin and tend to break out easily. My old roommate is a Mary Kay sales rep, and while she never pushed the products on me, she does have amazing skin. This lotion makes my skin smooth and soft, and not oily at all. Even though I tend to have dry skin, I choose the combination to oily skin version of this lotion. I did break out a bit during the first week of use, but my roommate told me that any time you switch moisturizers, the impurities in your skin will come out. I have not had any problems since, and I love the way my skin looks and feels. A 3 oz. bottle is $22.

3. Time Wise Firming Eye Cream by Mary Kay: This product is by far the best eye cream I have tried. The skin under my eyes used to be dark and puffy, and I always felt self-conscious about it. Since using this eye cream, I have no puffyness and very little darkness under my eyes. I wish my mom had told me as a teenager to use eye cream every night, as it truly does make a difference, especially when used long-term. I know two women in their forties who have used eye cream since they were teens, and the skin under their eyes looks so youthful and smooth. You are never too young to use moisturizer and eye cream. This product is much higher quality than drugstore brands, yet it is not quite as pricey as what you can buy at Sephora. A 0.5 ounce bottle costs $30.

Buyer Beware Part I

I have never been one to jump on the bandwagon of popular thought and trends. As an INTJ (Myers-Briggs personality), authority based on rank or title has no weight with me. I do not often succumb to slogans or sales pitches. If an idea or position makes sense to me, it will be adopted; if it does not make sense, it will not be adopted, regardless of who generated the idea. Authority per se does not impress me, though I highly respect people when it is earned.

I am fascinated by psychology and have studied it most of my life. I am particularly interested in marketing ploys that advertisers use to sell products.

Since I eschew product hype and branding, I am reluctant to advertise products to my friends and acquaintances. On the other hand, it is difficult to ascertain which products are truly beneficial, because marketers would have you believe that everything is dazzling, spectacular, and has fewer calories. I appreciate when a friend or fellow blogger passes on useful suggestions about great products. Hence, I will share some products that I enjoy.

1. Charlie's Soap: This laundry detergent is non-toxic, biodegradable, and makes clothes smell truly fresh and clean, not just cloyingly perfumed. I have a hard time finding laundry detergent that will effectively clean my sweaty workout clothes, but this detergent is wonderful. I purchased a gallon jug (good for 128 loads) at Whole Foods for $18.

2. Amazing Concealer by Amazing Cosmetics: The skin under my eyes is dark, but this concealer covers it perfectly. It is smooth and not drying, thick but not clumpy, it brightens the eye area and does not cake or cause breakouts. It blends nicely and looks natural. It is moderately pricey at $42, but I use it every day and one tube has lasted nearly a year.

3. bare Minerals foundation by Bare Escentuals: My face is a bit dry and breaks out easily, so I am very particular about what I put on it. This mineral foundation gives me an even, bright, healthy skin tone. Bare Minerals feels weightless but provides good coverage, it is not drying or oily, it does not exacerbate my sensitive skin, and people remark that I do not appear to be wearing makeup. I enjoy all the Bare Escentuals products but I highly recommend the foundation at $25 per jar.

More to come

The Dangers of Food

People always ask why I am a vegetarian/vegan. Their first question is often an insightful and intelligent one: “Do you eat chicken and fish?”

To me, this is the most annoying question anyone could pose, yet it is the most common one I get asked. Vegetarian means no meat; since when did chicken and fish classify as non-meat items (unless you are referring to McFish or McChik Nugs, in which case your question is probably a legitimate one)?

I did not gain the so-called Freshman Fifteen when I went to college, but after graduation I began putting on some weight, so I started dabbling with exercise. To educate myself and to maximize my gains, I began reading about fitness and nutrition, and after some research, including reading a book called Food for Life by Neal Barnard, I decided to stop eating meat, primarily for health reasons. Barnard maintains that there are four important food groups: fruit, vegetables, legumes, and grains.

Since then, I have alternated between vegetarian (nothing with a face) and vegan (no animal products). I am also addicted to weight lifting and intense cardiovascular exercise, and yes, I get plenty of protein.

Over the past year or so, I have not consumed dairy or eggs, which means that my primary source of protein intake has been soy: soy yogurt, soy milk, soy protein powder shakes, organic cereal with soy, soy crisps, soybeans, and soy protein bars. I know that some of you have no doubt been frightened by the alleged dangers of soy, but since nothing is safe to eat these days (pesticides on fruit, mercury in fish, genetically modified vegetables, antibiotics and steroids in milk, and trans fat, to name a few), I figured it was the lesser of two (or rather, multiple) evils.

Because I am a perfectionist, and because I am a woman, I am dissatisfied with my body. I am on a constant quest to better myself intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. So, I am making some changes in my diet basically just to see what happens.

I have decided to resume consumption of whey protein, a dairy product, because it supposedly boosts the immune system after intense exercise, it is absorbed more quickly than soy by the muscles after working out, and I will hopefully reduce some of the negative effects of so much soy consumption, such as increased levels of estrogen and water retention. I plan to drastically reduce my soy consumption and replace some of the soy products with rice milk, whey protein bars, and black beans, for instance. I also feel that I eat too much peanut butter, so I am cutting it out of my repertoire for a while.

I enjoy experimenting with my diet and workouts and am curious what the effects will be.

Parenting

Reasons why I would be a bad mom:
1. I would insist that my child call me by my first name rather than the more socially acceptable term, “mom.”
2. I would raise him to be vegan, primarily for health reasons.
3. We would not have a television in the home, as today’s television programs and especially advertising pollutes one’s mental environment.
4. No fast food allowed, see #2.
5. We would not purchase Christmas gifts, and when his kindergarten classmates ask him what he got for Christmas, he would reply that he did not get any gifts because his family protests consumerism on Jesus’ birthday. We also observe Buy Nothing Day on the day following Thanksgiving.
6. I would frequently probe him to express his feelings about the various experiences he has each day, and we would process through them together. “What I hear you saying is that you feel distressed and pensive about the A- you received on your spelling test.”
7. I would talk to him about the love and grace of Jesus Christ, yet I would encourage him to be open-minded (as some Christians are perceived as being narrow, judgmental, and too conservative), so we would learn about the values and benefits of cultures, lifestyles, and beliefs other than our own.
8. I would strive to provide an educationally rich environment, utilizing programs such as Your Baby Can Read, so that my child would learn to read and speak at an exceptionally young age.
9. We would exercise on a regular basis for our physical well-being.

As a teenager (or pre-adolescent, since he will be so emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually mature for his age), he will rebel against his oppressive childhood. He will call me mom, he will eat junk food, he will sit around all day and watch television and probably even play video games at his friends' houses, he will buy crap he does not need at the mall, he will act surly and aloof and keep his feelings inside, and he will question his faith.

I'm Okay When You're Okay

At the tender age of eighteen, as I embarked upon my real life outside my parents’ home, as I was writing an inspired (insipid) essay for my college lit class at a local coffee shop, a charming blue-eyed gentleman engaged me in conversation. He lured me into his world with compliments and attention, and I was hooked. He turned out to be a narcissist, and I was his blossoming codependent better half.

Our relationship became increasingly abusive over the three years that we dated, both physically and psychologically. Like a good codependent, I felt responsible for his fickle moods, I caused his anger, I walked on eggshells around him, I had anxiety attacks worrying about him, I was attracted to his neediness, and I felt I had to give, give, give until I had nothing left. I often felt blindsided, bereft, guilty, lonely, and sick.

As the constant anxiety and abuse eroded what little self-esteem I had to begin with, I sought therapy for what I assumed to be a need for some help with stress management regarding my workload at college. My very patient head shrinker helped me to get a glimpse of reality. With her support, I realized that my problem was not merely an issue of stress caused by difficult course loads, my spirit was being killed by an abusive man.

After years of crying about family of origin issues in psychotherapy, after numerous subsequent failed relationships, and most importantly, after finding the grace and love of Christ Jesus, I healed. I learned who I was, and my codependency nearly vanished.

Perhaps as a result of my past (he can’t still affect me now!), or maybe because of all the feminist literature (hear me roar!) I inhaled in graduate school, I abhor the slightest notion that I may have codependent tendencies now.

In my imagination, I am this independent robot who has perfectly healthy boundaries and easily says no to unreasonable demands. While I respect the thoughts and feelings of others, I do not let them affect me. Everyone is responsible for himself, as am I. I never over-commit myself, I feel totally secure receiving gifts or compliments, I never worry how things will turn out. I certainly never feel victimized or unappreciated.

Alas, those tendencies do rear their ugly heads on occasion.

When I know I am acting with integrity, why do I let others’ reactions bother me? Why do I feel a sense of pride and self-worth when I reach out to help someone who is needy? Why do I let it affect my sense of self when someone is upset with me? Why do I doubt myself? Why would I rather someone else be comfortable than myself? Why do I worry? Why do I try to control circumstances? Why do I trivialize my own thoughts and feelings? Why do I repress my own anger?

I want to feel valued and loved, yet I feel an uneasiness that whispers that I am not deserving of love. Codependency is a shortcut to intimacy, but it is one that is not healthy and therefore does not work long term.

These symptoms reflect a lack of faith in God, the one who loves me unconditionally. It is His reaction alone that matters; it is He who gives me a sense of self-worth. He made me the way I am, and I can rest in His sovereign plan for me without worrying.

Supersize Me

A long time ago, I was institutionalized in a place called High School. It was a time when I smelled like teen spirit, I adored flannel shirts, and I listened to music that my mother despised from Seattle-based bands. There was an interesting girl in many of my classes who was both academically brilliant and artistically talented, and I admired her, but both of us were quiet and shy, and sadly, I never really got to know her.

However, through the magic of facebook, we are now “friends,” and she writes a witty and insightful blog called Unruly Helpmeet that I read while I should be working. She posted a commentary on body weight and size, and I can totally relate to her thoughts, struggles, and frustrations. Thank you for your authenticity, Helpmeet.

I, too, hated my body in high school and college, which was curvy in all the wrong ways (or so I perceived at the time), and oh, how I wanted the stick body with no hips and a teeny waist that my skinny friends had. One or two negative and critical remarks from dumb boys reverberated in my head, and I constantly felt worthless about my physique.

Beginning in high school and for the past 14 years, my driver’s license has read 5’3” and 130 pounds, but there have been times when I have weighed 30 pounds more and 30 pounds less than that since I was a teenager.

After college, I got into working out seriously, and I became a vegetarian and then a vegan, and I'm in great shape now, but it never feels like I am good enough, thin enough, toned enough. I physically push myself to the limit every night in the gym, and I never eat junk, but I still have nagging thoughts that I should have done ten more minutes of cardio, should have added twenty more pounds on the squat bar, should have put less peanut butter on that sandwich.

The pain of always feeling inferior, the constant comparisons, the incessant self-deprecating thoughts are so damaging.

As to Helpmeet’s comments about clothing and makeup, I still have no sense of style. I am 30 years old, and I get to wear jeans to work, and I shop in the junior's department because (1) I don't know how to buy grown-up clothes or put together actual outfits, and (2) I can never find women's clothes that fit me anyway (women’s jeans all look like mom jeans on me, pants have hugely long crotches, horrid tapered legs, or God forbid, pleats, and a lot of it feels too baggy).

The little I know about clothes and makeup, I did not learn until the past few years, mostly by actually reading books on relevant cultural issues like how to apply makeup. The nice thing about being a bookworm is that most of the answers to life I have found by reading, thereby avoiding embarrassment from asking others for information and having them wonder what is wrong with me that I don’t know these things.

Sometimes I wish that one of my well-meaning friends would turn me in to Stacy and Clinton so I could get some real advice and a clothing budget that I’d never be able to afford while working my current job in non-profit. But I’m afraid of (1) giving up the clothes that I actually feel okay in, (2) being forced to shop, (3) having to actually wear grown-up clothes, (4) having to appear on television, and (5) having my hair cut. I admit that I'm fearful of uncertainty and change.

I don't know the answers. I don’t know how we learn to feel better about ourselves (or at least not feel guilty that we feel badly about our appearance on top of hating our bodies). I don’t know how we stop the perpetual comparisons (superiority: “at least I’m not as fat as her” or inferiority: “I wish my thighs looked like that in jeans”).

Having faith in God and reminding myself that my identity comes from Him and not from society's airbrushed ideals helps.

But it will always be a struggle.

Am I Fat?

I foolishly stepped on the scale this morning after a hiatus of a month of not weighing myself (was forced to at the doctor’s office last month), and I was so discouraged to see that I had gained more weight than I’m willing to put in writing. Now I remember why I keep defenestrating my scales. Sure, sure, Jesus loves me and all. . . but I think I subconsciously assume that He loves me in spite of my body, and I forget that He made my body just the way it is. I feel like such a hypocrite after all those discussions with my teenage discipleship group about finding our identities in Christ, not in worldly things like a silly (LIFE-ENDING, OMG I AM PANICKING) number on a scale.

Well, this article makes me feel a little better. It shows Faith Hill before and after she was airbrushed for the cover of Redbook.

P.S. de·fen·es·trate (dē-fěn'ĭ-strāt')
tr.v. de·fen·es·trat·ed, de·fen·es·trat·ing, de·fen·es·trates
To throw out of a window.

What is friendship?

Friendship Application

Due to the high number of applicants for this position, I will not be able to respond personally to each application. If an applicant is chosen to be my friend, he/she will be notified within seven to ten business days of the receipt of said applicant’s completed application.

Fill in the blank
1. There is _____in this room/ Above our heads, waiting to _____/ I'm a thinker not a talker/ Put your faith, your faith in _____
2. Clouds _____/ I’m not _____ what you think and dream/ I run into your _____ from across the room
3. Cause my _____ is too slight to hold back all my dark/ This ship went down in sight of _____/ And at the gates does _____ ask to see my _____?

Fill in the blank
4. I like _____ more than television.
5. I do not eat _____.
6. My favorite possession is _____.

Identify the film
7. On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.
8. Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
9. Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the f*ing high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.

About you
10. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?
11. What are your love languages?
12. List the following in order from least favorite to favorite: Kim Kardashian, Oprah, Scooby Doo, C. S. Lewis, Eminem, Jesus, Tori Amos.
13. Rate the following in order of importance: money, books, exercise, friends, prayer, music, current events.
14. How do you feel about small talk?
15. What do you think about sarcasm and/or irony?

Scenarios
16. If you asked me to hang out, and I said no because I wanted some time alone, how would you respond?
17. There are 6 benches in a row, numbered 1 to 6. Bodybuilders (or poseurs) are attempting to bench press on numbers 1 and 5, and the rest of the benches are unoccupied. Which one do you use?
18. If you were my friend, how many times a week would you want to talk on the phone?
19. If you agree to meet someone at 7:00 pm, what time would you actually arrive?

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge? __ Yes ___No

Makeup

I have recently become interested in (aka obsessed with) makeup, as in cosmetics. I have arrived at the realization that it takes tons of expensive cosmetics, brushes and tools, and loads of time to achieve a perfect, “natural look” that makes it appear as if you are not wearing any makeup at all.

According to one “how to” website, you need the following items to achieve a natural look with your makeup: blush, brush, concealer, eye shadow, eye liner, face powder, foundation, lip gloss, lipstick, lip liner, makeup brushes, and mascara.

This is no small undertaking, folks.

After 18 years of mostly failed experimentation with makeup, I have finally realized that there is an art form to it. I was finally convinced of this fact after perusing books on how to apply makeup.

I am fascinated by psychology, especially as it relates to culture, so I began to read research that addressed the question, “What is beauty?” I suppose if I’m painfully honest, I will admit that I wanted to learn secrets that would help me to appear more attractive. While surfing Amazon, some of the “So you’d like to. . .” lists caught my eye. Some of them not only addressed beauty in a sociological sense, but I discovered many how-to books on the application of cosmetics. I also discovered that in any given chain bookstore, there are dozens of books on how to apply makeup. You’d think I would have gotten the hint sooner that this is no easy enterprise. But when I saw the volume of literature, the light bulb finally clicked on.

I am overwhelmed by the number of brands, colors, and types of makeup in the supermarket alone, where you go to purchase food, not beauty products. I have to carefully avoid this aisle so as to avoid brain overload. There is simply too much to choose from: light, dark, shimmer, matte, pressed powder, loose powder, liquid, cream, pencil, volumizing, lengthening, etc. ad nauseum. Incidentally, I feel the same way about the shampoo aisle. One major problem in our society is the availability of too many choices, but that is a commentary for another day.

Have you ever entered Sephora or a similar makeup boutique? It’s as if you’ve stepped into an alternate universe, a rip in the fabric of reality where heaven and hell coexist. There are so many pretty sparkly things. Yet there are so, so many pretty, sparkly things.

Quality of makeup does matter. You get what you pay for, which makes me feel some passive-aggressive anger, as I am a bargain shopper and wish I could tell you that the drugstore stuff is just as good.

I have looked at my face so many times in the mirror that I can not possibly begin to be objective about how I look, makeup or sans makeup.

I suspect this is true of most women. Do you see women and wonder how in the world they convinced themselves that they looked presentable (too much blush, too much eye shadow, unnatural foundation)? Am I one of those women?

This woman achieved a natural look with plenty of makeup: foundation, concealer, peach eye shadow on her lid and a darker color in the crease, mascara, highlighter on her brows, lip liner, and some nude colored lipstick. She skipped the blush to make the look appear “natural.” See how easy it is to make it look like you’re wearing nothing on your face?

Lights, Camera, Action Figure

One of my life goals is to be an action figure.

I plan to start by appearing here and there as an extra in regular comic books, surreptitiously lurking in the background, glancing over my shoulder in the half-glow of a streetlamp so that only half of my visage is visible.

These random sightings will begin to create some buzz with readers wondering, who is that new chick on the scene? At just the right time, there will be a strategically timed “leak” on the Internet where my alias will be revealed, and people will start to think of themselves as somehow special and “in” because they have “discovered” my “identity.” People will blog about it, mention it on their facebook page as if it is a secret code, and the comic book version of me will have created a small yet respectable alt subculture.

Once I have gained some street cred and name recognition, I will experience my debut, starring in my own one-shot comic book sporting a catchy title like “Kill Your Boyfriend.”

Fans will rave, haters will rant, poseurs will try to emulate me.

After my much-anticipated unveiling, readers will obviously want more. Too bad. I will not appear in any more comic books after that. My face will disappear from comic books forever, leaving only a wistful memory. Someone famous once said that it is better to burn out than fade away.

However, my peeps will miss me and yearn for a relic, something tangible by which they can remember me. The subculture will need merch to bind them together, give them a sense of unity, identity, purpose, and belonging.

At long last, a plastic action figure will emerge on the scene. I will come with poseable appendages, lifelike hair that you can style!, and a plastic M-16 not suitable for children under age 2.

Grownups

Do you remember when you were a teenager and you had these lovely, lofty, half-crazy ambitions about what you wanted to do with your life?

Did you watch the dull sheen in the eyes of the adults around you and wonder how they could just settle for the inane, the mundane, the mediocre? Did you wonder how grownups lost their passion and zeal? Did you wonder why they stopped pursuing the creative outlets they had when they were young, like writing or painting or restoring old cars?

Did you vow that you would never let that happen to you? Did you fear with every cell in your being that you might one day unknowingly trade your gleam for a lackluster existence? Or did you assuage your fears by convincing yourself that your parents and adult acquaintances were aliens, had nothing in common with you, and that is why they sold out and gave up? But you, you were different. You were never going to forget the angst-fueled furor that propelled you to dream big.

Some of you know how I feel about New Years’ Resolutions. But setting personal goals can be a useful venture and can be a staple for achieving growth if you’re into that sort of thing.

If you want to get existential about it, you can ask yourself a series of questions. If you only had one month to live (good health, unlimited finances), what would you do? How would you spend your time if you had one year to live? Five years? What is holding you back from pursuing those goals now? How do you know you don’t just have one year to live?

Blogging about your goals can provide some accountability. The two people who follow your blog can harass you if you do not pursue your aspirations.

• I will learn to skateboard. This means I have to overcome my fear of looking like a tool because I am wearing knee and elbow pads like a second grader whose mom is overprotective and no doubt causing separation issues. I also risk being featured on Scarred or some crappy “reality” show on MTV, whereby I would lose all credibility among my peers.


• I will write a book. I love ideas, theories, and memoirs, but I am not gifted in the area of taking the time and effort to make them into an actual Word document. I fear writers block, not having much to say, and producing something uninspired and dull. I will have to put these fears aside. I think I have to have the book written in my head in its entirety so that when it comes out on my screen, it will be perfectly written (witty, correct grammar, stimulating). I am afraid the publisher will put an ugly cover on it (and you know how people judge a book).


• I will further my education. I need to convince the US Department of Education to loan me $100,000 to pursue a Ph.D. in some esoteric field that will be utterly useless as far as advancing productive society but that will be infinitely fascinating to me, like philosophy, psychology, or theology.

What are your dreams and passions? Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Don’t be afraid of failure or ridicule. Let yourself be/act/look a little strange.

Personal Branding

What is your personal brand?

Are you cool, hipster, alt, mainstream, or suburbanite? Are you metrosexual, retro, chic, punk, or who-me-I’m-just-a-normal-guy?

Do you fashion your personal brand after the things you see and hear that you deem cool and unusual? Or do you try to be like everyone else just to fit in and avoid social ridicule and marginalization?

Why do you attempt to make the mainstream parts of yourself more alternative (wear a funky scarf or get a facial piercing to dress up your jeans and Gap sweater), yet you try to downplay your unusual characteristics to make yourself feel like less of a social outcast (dye your hair a socially acceptable non-graying color)?

How is your brand affected by the music you listen to? When people ask what bands you like, do you spout off the most obscure artists you’ve heard of (the doves, your friend’s garage band), do you name drop cool semi-indie bands that many people have heard of but still sound alternative (arcade fire, bloc party), or do you admit to listening to the bands you actually like (britney, nickelback)?


When you last got your hair cut, did you have a certain celeb style in mind?

Is your image intentionally shaped by the beverages you consume? Would you drink a Frappuccino when it is below freezing outside? Do you think your aluminum water bottle is kute? Do you brew your own java in your French press at your desk?

Do you choose your image based on the comments you think others will make about you that day? Do you try to be mainly-mainstream-but-a-little-bit-unique-slash-weird so that you will not be gossiped about and shunned by your peers, yet you will receive compliments and kudos from those around you for your sense of style? How much is your brand shaped by how you think your friends and colleagues will percieve you?

How many logos are you wearing right now? Do you feel self-righteous because you don’t have any visible logos? Or are you justifying your swoosh because they really are the most comfortable shoes for your slightly wide feet and anyway you got them on sale?

Because My Shirt Says So

I am a non-conformist
I am vegan
I am a member of PETA because I want someone to hate and meat-lovers-slash-animal-haters seem like an easy target
I am a metrosexual because I use moisturizing facial products that were tested on animals
I am not your brother
I do not care if you hate me
I listen to indie bands
I wear clothing with strategically placed rips and holes that were added by the manufacturer so that it looks used when it is in fact new
No one ‘gets’ me
I am my own brand
I subvert the confines of suburbia
I just want 2 be human after yall
Hi, my name is Constellation
I am a Scorpio
I am deep. Just read my shirt.
I cut all the logos off my clothing.
The brand name logos on my clothing seemed larger than life and gave me an identity until I clipped them off and put them in a pile on my desk. Then it all seemed like such an insignificant lump of fraying embroidery.
I got paid $20,000 to get this logo shaved into the back of my head.
I wore this tee when I posed in an Absolut ad.
Born again.
I am straight edge.
I protest consumerism by making my own shirts.
I wrote an essay on my idea of utopia. You are not in it.
I tried to kill myself in the 1990s.
Because it’s better to burn out than fade away.
I smell like teen spirit.
I wear eyeliner.

Why Alt Will Become Mnstrm

1. big corporations will let u ‘personalize ur brand’ so that everyone will be wearing his own personalized brand of nike
2. marginalized groups will turn slurs into slang with positive connotation (just want 2 be queer after yall)
3. everything will be available in 2 forms: original and pill
4. ppl will start 2 write in abbreviations and codes, substituting ‘real words’ 4 quick txt
5. the music u think is hip and alt now will become ‘popular’ and u will start to make fun of it while secretly loathing urself 4 liking it (e.g. the coldplays and c&c music factory)
6. u will not be able 2 keep up with ‘fashion trends’ bc retro will become mnstrm will become passé will become retro will become teen spirit will become mnstrm will become fig leaves
7. yall will get facial piercings 2 emulate the ppl u see on public transportation from the ‘bad area of town’
8. u will start riding a fixed gear bc u want to avoid the ‘odors’ u encounter on public transportation
9. ur mom will try 2 use ‘popular’ lingo 2 better ‘identify’ with u and be ur bff
10. mnstrmers will think it is ‘cool’ 2 be alt and alts will think it is ‘cool’ 2 be robot

Intensity

he said you work out as hard as you possibly can every single day.

i asked what makes you think that is a true statement about me?

he said because that is how you live your life.

How to be a Genius

Keep your mouth shut.
Unless you are extremely knowledgeable on the subject.
And even then, just be quiet.
Read a plethora of books and literature.
Do not watch television. Watching TV burns fewer calories than sleeping.
Learn obscure vocabulary words, but never use them solely to impress others.
Communicate almost exclusively in written form.
Overanalyze everything until it means nothing.
Throw out all the information you “know” about everything.
If “everyone” does something a particular way, do it differently.
Beware of things you feel you are “supposed” to do.
Doodle during business meetings or lectures.
Give yourself a weird and unique hair style. It’s best you do this yourself rather than go to the salon so you do not become one of those people who conform to the non-conformists.
Get to know yourself really, really well.
Turn all thoughts into metaphors.
When you do speak, which should be very rarely, talk in rhymes.
Ask questions and spend much of your time listening.
Do not take anything at face value.
Be obsessed with your work. Geniuses have to put out a lot of crap to produce the pearls.
Have serious emotional issues. Be clinically depressed or addicted to something. If you need help getting depressed, read a lot of existential literature (the writings of Jean Paul Sartre, Henry Rollins, and Chuck Palahniuk can give you a place to start).
Get a lot of therapy, but do not get too psychologically healthy.
Realize that you will get more criticism than accolade for being a genius.
Relentlessly pursue some artistic or creative venture, such as painting, drawing, writing, or playing an instrument.
Constantly tell yourself you are a genius.
Do not expect recognition for your genius in your lifetime.

25 Apron Strings

Or 25 Random Things if you want to be like everyone on facebook.

1. I have panic attacks in crowds and congested parking lots
2. I will go to great lengths to avoid these situations
3. I am a perfectionist
4. I do not like television; it does not hold my interest at all
5. I do not like having to write things down
6. I sometimes look in the mirror and don’t think I look like myself
7. Being in love scares me
8. Yet I crave intimacy and love in my life
9. I hate living in suburbia, but I do not know how to leave
10. I wish I had the guts to move somewhere cool like Boulder, CO
11. I feel guilty every time I eat and constantly fear getting fat
12. I love working out and secretly want big muscles
13. I am not good with feelings; I do not know what to do with them or how to express them; this is a great source of frustration for me
14. I feel completely inept in romantic relationships
15. This really bothers me
16. Because I’m typically successful at most ventures in life, but romantic relationships seem to be my Achilles heel
17. The other thing I’m really bad at is finding my way around somewhere I’ve never driven
18. I feel directionally incompetent
19. I detest small talk
20. I prefer my own company to that of others
21. It takes enormous effort for me to interact with people
22. I am annoyed by people who act like they know what they are talking about when they really do not
23. I do not like having to repeat myself
24. I am fascinated by unique individuals who think or act outside of what is socially acceptable or normal
25. Many social conventions are inane and useless anyway

Pop! Quiz

Perhaps, like me, you are still struggling with reacclimating yourself to your full-time work and/or school schedule after the minor procedure (e.g. Lifestyle Lift, LASIK, mini-lobotomy) and major relaxation (minus the hassle of family and friends) you experienced over the holidays.

So, the last thing you want is a pop quiz from the teach or a surprise test on the new Mission and Vision statement of your church or organization.

It can certainly be a daunting and challenging task to regulate alertness and clarity during the day, especially after a holiday hiatus. One effective yet unhealthy way to adjust would be through the measured use of uppers and downers; pop some caffeine or Benzedrine to get you going and keep you alert during the day, and use alcohol or Xanax to help numb and quiet your mind at night. I personally like to read books (hence, my handle) in the early morn’ and late in the eve (while cuddled up in my Snuggie) to help regulate my brain waves.

Alternatively, and as practice for potential surprises at school or work, I’ve devised a pop quiz to help warm your noodle and help you get adjusted back to reality. Should you answer incorrectly, you will be immediately disgusted and appalled by the appearance of a popular yet nerdy television character portrayed in the form of a doll with an oversized, wobbly head. If you answer correctly, you will be rewarded not just with the good feeling that you got the answer right, but with a visual affirmation that you are correct.

One important value you will learn in school is giving credit where credit is due. Plagiarism can lead to expulsion and ridicule. Hence, I thank my fellow blogger, Classic Culture, for the quizzical idea.

1. Coldplay’s popular song title, “Yellow,” released in 2000, was inspired by

a. The dry, dusty coating pollen phenomenon that occurs every April in Georgia, lasting about three weeks, that turns the air, cars, and eyeballs yellow

b. The color of the stars in the night sky

c. A metaphor for joy and happiness

d. The Yellow Pages phone directory

2. The little red cooler that I tote around with me and that sits affectionately on the extra chair in my office contains (at least, as I've convinced Randy "the Communications Guy" Renbarger)

a. Fiber supplements that support a healthy digestive system

b. A severed head

c. Tofurkey and Nayonnaise

d. A spare kidney in case I need a transplant on short notice

3. During staff prayer on Tuesday mornings at the large southeastern Presbyterian Church where I am employed, it is socially acceptable to

a. Check and reply to emails on your mobile device of choice (e.g. iPhone, Blackberry, etc.)

b. Confess to God that you are experiencing spiritual warfare

c. Slouch in your seat and begin to nod off if you are sitting near the back of the room

d. Laugh at Bob Carter’s jokes

4. The behaviors that most annoy me at the fitness center where I work out are

a. Lecherous men who incorrectly assume that because they wear tank tops and walk around with their chests puffed out that they are playas and mack on all the young attractive ladies

b. People who use the ergometer incorrectly by letting their legs bend before releasing their arms on the return stroke

c. New Years’ Resolutioners who clog up the equipment and lose an average of 3.2 pounds in January before promptly returning to a state of Oprah-watching and bon-bon-eating whereby they gain 10 pounds in the first week of February

d. Would-be bodybuilders who swing the equipment with poor form so as to impress the passersby with their “strength” but who actually look ridiculous because they don’t know what they are doing

5. My Myers-Briggs personality is (the best one to be)

a. INTJ

b. ENFJ

c. ISFP

d. Personality theory is bunk

6. According to a prior post on my blog, I celebrate Christmas by

a. Crying exactly one tear into a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, preferably the cranberry (for the promotion of a healthy urinary tract, of course) flavored variety

b. Decking my humble abode with twinkly lights and a life-sized Santa

c. Slaving in the kitchen all day to prepare a delicious Tofu turkey with vegan dressing for all my friends and relatives

d. Protesting consumerism by purchasing absolutely nothing for anyone in my life