My girlfriends and I frequently talk to each other about our Lists. The List is an itemized inventory of all the qualifications we are looking for in a potential husband.
I sometimes think that what men are looking for in a woman is:
1. Attractiveness
2. Shared Interests (optional)
3. Good Character (optional)
Once those criteria are checked off, within about the first five minutes of meeting a woman, he is satisfied that she is suitable for him. He then does not worry or constantly overanalyze the relationship as they begin to date and get more serious. He is basically happy and content, and his main source of unhappiness comes when he feels he is not able to make her happy.
Women, on the other hand, do not have such a simple checklist. We have catalogued and cross-referenced databases with which all men must be analyzed and evaluated. Our extensive Lists are a great source of stress and ambiguity in our lives and dating (mis-)adventures, and we are constantly updating and editing our Lists.
There are thousands of books written addressing the topic of qualities to seek in a mate (all purchased and read by women, of course). I have read approximately 4,589 of them.
Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, avers that we should come up with a list of 10 “must haves” and 10 “can’t stands,” qualities that are deal breakers in a relationship. He also states that there are 29 dimensions of compatibility, and that in happy marriages, partners are compatible in at least 26 of these areas.
John Gottman proposes seven principles for making a marriage work, although that does not really address what people should look for in a date who may become a potential mate.
I had lunch last week with my dear friend Emily*, who has a wonderful, strong, and happy marriage to her husband. She remarked that when she was single, she had lists, too, but at the time she started dating her future husband, she had four qualifications that she was seeking in a man.
1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.
Emily said that these conditions are not for everyone, but for her, she felt that these are what God wanted for her. I wrote them down and have been thinking about our conversation now for several days. Her list is certainly simpler than mine. And it worked out very well in her life.
I am not sure what this means for me. I wish I were better able to trust in God in all areas of my life, but specifically with regards to dating. I often erroneously believe that if I overanalyze my relationships and tweak my List into perfection (read: in my own strength), then I will be in control of my love life and I will live happily ever after.
But God is sovereign, He knows His plan for my life, and He wants me to put my faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself daily (actually, on a minute-by-minute basis) that God is in control, I can cast my worries on Him, I can do all things through Him, and He will use all things together for good. I am thankful that He is sovereign and that I am not, and thankful that I am not perfect because it is a reminder of how much I need Him.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
*Names have been changed.
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Love Languages
I have been thinking about love.
Gary Chapman has written several books about the 5 Love Languages, which are ways in which people express and interpret love. People feel most loved when their partner “speaks” their love language. These languages can be learned once you know what to look for, and they can help you care for your partner in ways that are most meaningful to him or her.
The 5 Love Languages are as follows (adapted from www.5lovelanguages.com):
Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. You like being affirmed and told you are important and missed when your partner is away.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. You do not care what you do, necessarily, but you enjoy just being with your partner.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
I had a general idea of the love languages that are most important to me, but I just took the online quiz and I was a bit surprised when Physical Touch came out far ahead of the others. I love physical affection like hugs and kisses and holding hands, and I love sitting close to someone with whom I‘m in a relationship. I feel most loved when my boyfriend is very affectionate with me. My family of origin is not affectionate at all, and I do not tend to be physically affectionate with friends, but in a romantic relationship, it is very important to me. Conversely, I feel extremely hurt and rejected when affection is withdrawn or withheld.
Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are also important to me, though less so than Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for when a man gives me his undivided attention, when it is clear that he enjoys my company and wants to get to know me. Slightly less important, but still very meaningful in my language of love, is the sense of being verbally affirmed. I feel loved when a man tells me he misses me, when he tells me that I make him happy, or when he tells me he likes it that I am a part of his life.
Acts of Service and Gifts are appreciated, as they are thoughtful gestures, but they do not necessarily make me feel more loved. I once dated someone who spoke primarily these two languages; he got me little gifts or items he knew I needed, and he tried to do things for me that made my life easier. I really appreciated his efforts. But when he did give me words of affirmation, I was surprised. Because while I valued his actions and tokens of his care and concern, they did not make me feel loved.
My dad speaks almost exclusively in the Acts of Service love language. He shows my brothers and me that he loves us by working on our cars. For a month or so, I have had some general maintenance issues with my car with which I knew I needed his help, and then a few days ago, I started having problems with my brakes, and I called my dad in a panic. He reassured me that everything was fine, that I could come by his house and switch cars with him, drive his car, and that he would take care of everything.
Two days later, he called me and told me my car was ready. He put on four new brakes, turned the rotors, put in a new sensor and solenoid for the EGR component, replaced the air filter, changed the oil, and checked all the fluids. I am extremely thankful to my dad for taking care of me by taking care of my car. I work in non-profit and would have had a hard time paying for these repairs had I taken my car into the shop. Almost as valuable as the financial aspect is the fact that my dad saved me a lot of worry and time spent waiting on repairs.
So, while Acts of Service is my fourth of five love languages, I am very appreciative that my dad’s love language is Acts of Service. I feel that God is showing His love for me and His provision for me through my earthly dad, and I feel so blessed and loved. I also feel enormously appreciative and thankful to my dad and to God, who always provides for me exactly what I need.
Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Gary Chapman has written several books about the 5 Love Languages, which are ways in which people express and interpret love. People feel most loved when their partner “speaks” their love language. These languages can be learned once you know what to look for, and they can help you care for your partner in ways that are most meaningful to him or her.
The 5 Love Languages are as follows (adapted from www.5lovelanguages.com):
Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. You like being affirmed and told you are important and missed when your partner is away.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. You do not care what you do, necessarily, but you enjoy just being with your partner.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
I had a general idea of the love languages that are most important to me, but I just took the online quiz and I was a bit surprised when Physical Touch came out far ahead of the others. I love physical affection like hugs and kisses and holding hands, and I love sitting close to someone with whom I‘m in a relationship. I feel most loved when my boyfriend is very affectionate with me. My family of origin is not affectionate at all, and I do not tend to be physically affectionate with friends, but in a romantic relationship, it is very important to me. Conversely, I feel extremely hurt and rejected when affection is withdrawn or withheld.
Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are also important to me, though less so than Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for when a man gives me his undivided attention, when it is clear that he enjoys my company and wants to get to know me. Slightly less important, but still very meaningful in my language of love, is the sense of being verbally affirmed. I feel loved when a man tells me he misses me, when he tells me that I make him happy, or when he tells me he likes it that I am a part of his life.
Acts of Service and Gifts are appreciated, as they are thoughtful gestures, but they do not necessarily make me feel more loved. I once dated someone who spoke primarily these two languages; he got me little gifts or items he knew I needed, and he tried to do things for me that made my life easier. I really appreciated his efforts. But when he did give me words of affirmation, I was surprised. Because while I valued his actions and tokens of his care and concern, they did not make me feel loved.
My dad speaks almost exclusively in the Acts of Service love language. He shows my brothers and me that he loves us by working on our cars. For a month or so, I have had some general maintenance issues with my car with which I knew I needed his help, and then a few days ago, I started having problems with my brakes, and I called my dad in a panic. He reassured me that everything was fine, that I could come by his house and switch cars with him, drive his car, and that he would take care of everything.
Two days later, he called me and told me my car was ready. He put on four new brakes, turned the rotors, put in a new sensor and solenoid for the EGR component, replaced the air filter, changed the oil, and checked all the fluids. I am extremely thankful to my dad for taking care of me by taking care of my car. I work in non-profit and would have had a hard time paying for these repairs had I taken my car into the shop. Almost as valuable as the financial aspect is the fact that my dad saved me a lot of worry and time spent waiting on repairs.
So, while Acts of Service is my fourth of five love languages, I am very appreciative that my dad’s love language is Acts of Service. I feel that God is showing His love for me and His provision for me through my earthly dad, and I feel so blessed and loved. I also feel enormously appreciative and thankful to my dad and to God, who always provides for me exactly what I need.
Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Licentiousness v. Self-Condemnation
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sin.
There are many so-called Christians running around who are licentious, having reckless disregard for God’s law. They sleep around, lie, and cheat, declaring that “It’s all covered by the blood of Christ.” These folks believe that because God, by His grace, forgives us our sins when we confess, that they have the license to commit whatever sin they choose. They disregard the consequences, erroneously thinking that all will be well because of God’s grace.
The fallacy in this type of thinking is obvious to some. Paul says in Romans 6:1-4:
1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
True believers in Christ Jesus have a new life, a new spirit, one that grieves over sin and longs to be more like Christ. So we recognize that licentiousness is dangerous and has unpleasant consequences, both temporally and eternally.
However, many of us do not think about the opposite end of the spectrum: the sin of self-condemnation. Guilt can be a positive feeling as it spurs us to repent, but feeling overly guilty is just as sinful as licentiousness.
I used to think that self-condemnation was merely synonymous with poor self-esteem. I knew it was a sin to be self-critical, to dislike my personality or my appearance. God made me the way I am, and I am beautiful in His eyes. This statement is difficult to internalize as it is, and I am learning that in addition to poor self-esteem, self-condemnation entails feeling overly guilty, remorseful, and self-critical over past sin.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:10:
10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
While Biblical repentance includes feelings of Godly sorrow, it does not mean feeling overly self-critical and regretful for one’s thoughts and actions. Self-condemnation can erroneously make us believe that we are in control of ourselves rather than believing the truth that God is in control, and it denies His power of grace and forgiveness. Self-reproach can lead to relying on our own strength to “just try harder” or on our own power to punish ourselves for our sins (how often do we sin and then feel guilty and commit five other sins immediately after?), rather than growing closer to Him and turning to Him with our needs.
I have learned personally that I have a weakness in the area of self-condemnation, and Satan can use that weakness to put a wedge in my relationship with God. While I know intellectually that I am forgiven, because “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” (Romans 8:1), at times I feel very regretful for past actions and choices. I am a perfectionist, and while I am learning to give myself grace, I often feel that if I am not perfect, I am a failure.
Intellectually, I know that I cannot be perfectly righteous in my own strength, and that I need God’s power and the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Yet I hate myself when I err or sin. But this self-loathing is not what God wants.
What helps me in this area is to meditate on what God has done for me, rather than what I have done or not done right or wrong. It helps to spend time in prayer and in Scripture, reminding myself of the truth. And it helps to talk to wise and comforting women in my life who can empathize and affirm the truth.
It is just as sinful to be depressed for two months over a small transgression as it is to lie, cheat, and steal, and callously expect God's grace to cover it. Self-condemnation is just as sinful as licentiousness, and both fall to the sides of the path of grace and love on which God desires us to walk. I am thankful that through recent struggles, He has revealed to me my sins of self-reproach, so that I may rely more on His strength than my own, and so that I may grow in my spiritual walk.
There are many so-called Christians running around who are licentious, having reckless disregard for God’s law. They sleep around, lie, and cheat, declaring that “It’s all covered by the blood of Christ.” These folks believe that because God, by His grace, forgives us our sins when we confess, that they have the license to commit whatever sin they choose. They disregard the consequences, erroneously thinking that all will be well because of God’s grace.
The fallacy in this type of thinking is obvious to some. Paul says in Romans 6:1-4:
1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
True believers in Christ Jesus have a new life, a new spirit, one that grieves over sin and longs to be more like Christ. So we recognize that licentiousness is dangerous and has unpleasant consequences, both temporally and eternally.
However, many of us do not think about the opposite end of the spectrum: the sin of self-condemnation. Guilt can be a positive feeling as it spurs us to repent, but feeling overly guilty is just as sinful as licentiousness.
I used to think that self-condemnation was merely synonymous with poor self-esteem. I knew it was a sin to be self-critical, to dislike my personality or my appearance. God made me the way I am, and I am beautiful in His eyes. This statement is difficult to internalize as it is, and I am learning that in addition to poor self-esteem, self-condemnation entails feeling overly guilty, remorseful, and self-critical over past sin.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:10:
10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
While Biblical repentance includes feelings of Godly sorrow, it does not mean feeling overly self-critical and regretful for one’s thoughts and actions. Self-condemnation can erroneously make us believe that we are in control of ourselves rather than believing the truth that God is in control, and it denies His power of grace and forgiveness. Self-reproach can lead to relying on our own strength to “just try harder” or on our own power to punish ourselves for our sins (how often do we sin and then feel guilty and commit five other sins immediately after?), rather than growing closer to Him and turning to Him with our needs.
I have learned personally that I have a weakness in the area of self-condemnation, and Satan can use that weakness to put a wedge in my relationship with God. While I know intellectually that I am forgiven, because “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” (Romans 8:1), at times I feel very regretful for past actions and choices. I am a perfectionist, and while I am learning to give myself grace, I often feel that if I am not perfect, I am a failure.
Intellectually, I know that I cannot be perfectly righteous in my own strength, and that I need God’s power and the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Yet I hate myself when I err or sin. But this self-loathing is not what God wants.
What helps me in this area is to meditate on what God has done for me, rather than what I have done or not done right or wrong. It helps to spend time in prayer and in Scripture, reminding myself of the truth. And it helps to talk to wise and comforting women in my life who can empathize and affirm the truth.
It is just as sinful to be depressed for two months over a small transgression as it is to lie, cheat, and steal, and callously expect God's grace to cover it. Self-condemnation is just as sinful as licentiousness, and both fall to the sides of the path of grace and love on which God desires us to walk. I am thankful that through recent struggles, He has revealed to me my sins of self-reproach, so that I may rely more on His strength than my own, and so that I may grow in my spiritual walk.
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