Sunday, March 7, 2010

The List

My girlfriends and I frequently talk to each other about our Lists. The List is an itemized inventory of all the qualifications we are looking for in a potential husband.

I sometimes think that what men are looking for in a woman is:
1. Attractiveness
2. Shared Interests (optional)
3. Good Character (optional)
Once those criteria are checked off, within about the first five minutes of meeting a woman, he is satisfied that she is suitable for him. He then does not worry or constantly overanalyze the relationship as they begin to date and get more serious. He is basically happy and content, and his main source of unhappiness comes when he feels he is not able to make her happy.

Women, on the other hand, do not have such a simple checklist. We have catalogued and cross-referenced databases with which all men must be analyzed and evaluated. Our extensive Lists are a great source of stress and ambiguity in our lives and dating (mis-)adventures, and we are constantly updating and editing our Lists.

There are thousands of books written addressing the topic of qualities to seek in a mate (all purchased and read by women, of course). I have read approximately 4,589 of them.

Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, avers that we should come up with a list of 10 “must haves” and 10 “can’t stands,” qualities that are deal breakers in a relationship. He also states that there are 29 dimensions of compatibility, and that in happy marriages, partners are compatible in at least 26 of these areas.

John Gottman proposes seven principles for making a marriage work, although that does not really address what people should look for in a date who may become a potential mate.

I had lunch last week with my dear friend Emily*, who has a wonderful, strong, and happy marriage to her husband. She remarked that when she was single, she had lists, too, but at the time she started dating her future husband, she had four qualifications that she was seeking in a man.

1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.

Emily said that these conditions are not for everyone, but for her, she felt that these are what God wanted for her. I wrote them down and have been thinking about our conversation now for several days. Her list is certainly simpler than mine. And it worked out very well in her life.

I am not sure what this means for me. I wish I were better able to trust in God in all areas of my life, but specifically with regards to dating. I often erroneously believe that if I overanalyze my relationships and tweak my List into perfection (read: in my own strength), then I will be in control of my love life and I will live happily ever after.

But God is sovereign, He knows His plan for my life, and He wants me to put my faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself daily (actually, on a minute-by-minute basis) that God is in control, I can cast my worries on Him, I can do all things through Him, and He will use all things together for good. I am thankful that He is sovereign and that I am not, and thankful that I am not perfect because it is a reminder of how much I need Him.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

*Names have been changed.

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