The sermon this weekend was completely apropos. Why is it that nearly every week in church tears spring to my eyes, and of course I never remember to bring a tissue?Our pastor has been preaching on misplaced confidence. He says that often times when we sin, there is a sin beneath the sin. We can work hard at trying to be better, but there is likely something underlying the sin, for instance a wrong view of ourselves. This is so true for me, as I’m realizing that I still have a faulty view of my self-worth, which is broken on a very deep level. I have come so far (through my relationship with God, counseling, and wonderful female friends), yet I still struggle in this area.
All of us have some degree of misplaced confidence, relying on some idol other than God for our happiness. We rely on our own strength to get through life or to earn God’s favor, rather than living the truth that we are righteous in God’s eyes not because of anything we could do, but because Jesus Christ already did it for us.
The pastor said that if you are a Christian, despite your misplaced confidence, God will not reject you (Just as God did not reject David, despite David’s numerous moral failures and misplaced confidence)!
As I was sitting in church thinking about the pastor’s statements, I realized that I do worry that God will reject me. I am so sinful, and I lack so much faith. I am rebellious and I am weak, and while I truly desire to live God’s will and to be the Godly woman that He longs for me to be, I fall so short.
The good news is that because I fall short of God’s glory, I need His grace. I need Jesus Christ’s death on my behalf. I need the Holy Spirit indwelling in my heart to guide me. I cannot do it on my own.
Yet I often find myself subconsciously believing lies. I worry that God will reject me because I am not perfect. I am far from comprehending God’s grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Note the word “unmerited.” I do not deserve it, yet I get it anyway!
The insecurity I feel in my relationship with God, feeling like he will reject me based on poor or imperfect performance, is the same insecurity I feel in dating relationships. I do not really understand how I can be imperfect yet still lovable, in God’s eyes or in the eyes of a boyfriend. While my perfectionism is advantageous in a lot of areas, as it drives me toward excellence and mastery, which gives me a sense of confidence and self-worth, my perfectionism is also a drawback. It is not as extreme as it used to be, as God has healed me greatly, but I often subconsciously feel like if I am not perfect, I am a failure.
Once again, I have a difficult time grasping God’s grace. Certainly, I am growing in this area, and I understand it more now than I did a few years ago, but I have so far to go in my walk (which, of course, can never be realized in this lifetime).
In dating relationships, I never feel like they will work out. I always find “reasons” why someone is not right for me, which is relatively easy because no one is perfect. I then proceed to doubt myself and feel ambivalent and stressed, overanalyzing everything. Why can’t I just relax and trust God? Is it that I have not met the right person? I am confident that none of the guys I dated in the past were right for me. Yet I still feel that something inside me is broken, that I do not have a right view of relationships.
Do I (deep down) feel like relationships won’t work out because of me (rather than the “reasons” why the guy is not right for me)? I am not perfect, and I do not feel worthy of love, and perhaps I project this onto others. I do not truly believe that God will bring me my heart’s desire.
Yet God tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). He tells me that He will meet all my needs (Philippians 4:19), so that whatever is broken inside me, He will heal in His perfect timing.
I don’t know the answers. I hate that this life is full of so much struggle. I am so frustrated that the thing I long for the most, which is to be married and to have that partnership and friendship and love, seems so unattainable. I hate that I feel so inept at relationships, when God has put such a strong desire on my heart to have them. (Before I became a Christian, I did not care as much about having close friendships or getting married.) I know intellectually that God is with me and that He is walking me through it, but emotionally, I still feel like I am adrift on an ocean of uncertainty.
Dear One,
ReplyDeleteIn the eyes of the one who loves you, love and forgiveness are never unmerited. You are always deserving, because you are the object of his affection.
Jesus taught Love, not grace. Grace and judgment are two sides of a single coin, called DUALISM. Note that Noah found GRACE, when the earth was judged. Moses found GRACE, when Egypt was judged. Gideon found GRACE, when his enemies were judged.
Grace and judgment are dualistic, just like light and darkness, life and death, heaven and earth, ying and yang. The God of torah is DUALISTIC. He has a dual nature. He is grace and judgment, life and death. He holds a blessing in one hand and a curse in the other. He loves his friends, and hates his enemies, by his own confession.
Jesus did not ever once mention grace, because he taught a god who is not dualistic, but who is one.
Jesus taught us a different god, that the followers of Moses and torah did not know. A god who is all LIGHT, and in him is no DARKNESS at all. He is not light and darkness. He is one nature.
A god who LOVES his friends, and LOVES his enemies, equally.
A god who JUDGES NO MAN.
A god upon whose lap little children were unafraid to sit.
A god who so loved little children, that he said, if you hurt one of these, MY LITTLE ONES, it would be better for you to have a millstone around your neck and be cast into the sea.
Jesus said, if your eye, your vision, your focus is ONE, single, undivided, then your whole body will be filled with light.
But if your eye, your vision, your focus is dualism, divided, evil, then your whole body will be filled with darkness. And if the only vision of goodness you have, is darkness (dualism) then how great is that darkness!
Dualism is abusive. It cycles from the honeymoon phase (grace) to the abuse phase (judgment), and back again.
Love does not destroy. The one who destroys his children does not love them. Jesus called him the devil.
The Pharisees worshipped the dualistic god of torah. Jesus called them blind, because people who believe in dualism, quite literally cannot tell the difference between good and evil. To them, these two are one.
Isaiah accused Israel of being upside down. They could not tell the holy from the profane, the bitter from the sweet.
The called the dualistic god of torah, good, and the called Jesus, who was one nature, evil and the son of the devil. They could not tell the difference between good and evil.
God is good. He is all light, and there is no darkness in him. He is not fearful.
If we fear god, we are worshipping that which is not god, because love does not hurt, judge, kill, destroy, plague, or withold blessing. Perfect love casts out fear.
Love tonjia