Jessica helped me to see that much of my uneasiness in dating relationships is a result of deep-rooted self-worth issues, which ultimately is a lack of faith in God.
Jessica remarked that it seemed like my faith was very strong, at least compared with many of the people in her life (to me, my faith seems so weak!). She asked why I have so little trust in God in romantic relationships, yet I seem to have much more trust in Him to see me through other situations, like finances, career, friendships, or other struggles.
After processing her question for a bit, I realized that deep down, I do not feel worthy of a loving, healthy relationship. I do not believe that someone could want to marry me or spend his life with me. I suppose this is a result of my upbringing and mistreatment in past relationships. And I do not believe that God would really bring me someone who could love me so deeply (likely because I do not fully believe that He loves me so deeply).
When Ryan*, my current boyfriend, makes statements that affirm how much he likes me, wants to spend time with me, and sees a future with me, it’s like two seconds later those statements are out of my head. It is as if I cannot at all internalize the fact that he likes me and cares for me. This is so frustrating because I feel like I can never relax, I try to keep him at arms length “just in case,” and I constantly question the relationship.
I constantly want to fall back on my performance. I have read 348,489 books on dating and relationships, and I want to follow every single piece of advice in those books, as if it is my performance that will determine whether a relationship will “work” or fail, as if my performance determines my self-worth. Hmm, this idea sounds a lot like my relationship with God. I constantly find myself trying to “do good” to earn God’s favor rather than relying on His strength and living the gospel, that Jesus did it all, and nothing I can do will earn God’s favor. He loves me because of the work that Jesus Christ already did for me on the cross.
As an INTJ, I am constantly attempting to achieve mastery. But relationships are messy, and I will never do them perfectly. However, I am constantly striving to do so (in my own strength, of course, neglecting to rely on God).
At least I am not alone, as there are fellow INTJs on the intjforum writing about similar relationship struggles:
- By nature INTJs can be demanding in their expectations, and they approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result INTJs may not always respond to a spontaneous infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria.
- Wishing to control nature, the INTJ "scientist" probably has more difficulty than all other types in making up his or her mind in mate selection.
- Even mate selection must be done in a scientific way. It may well be that the narratives, plays, and films impugning the "rational and objective" approach to mating have as their target our thorough-going scientist INTJ.
- Courtship is a special problem for Masterminds, since they regard the selection of a proper mate as a rational process, a matter of finding someone who correlates highly with their mental list of physical and intellectual requirements.
-INTJs tend to be confident in their choices / decisions / assumptions but doubt themselves.
I am thankful to know that I am not alone.
I am not sure what God is doing, but lately He has brought a lot of my ex-boyfriends back into my life. These are guys that I do not contact, except Johnny, who calls me a couple of times a year.
1. James*: We dated for 3 years when I was in college, and we broke up because he was emotionally and phyically abusive, and I was extremely codependent. I have seen him one time, briefly, in over ten years, but I ran into him at the gym yesterday. He remarked what a great catch I am, how I’m the best woman he’s ever dated.
2. Johnny*: We dated for 2 years when I was in my early 20s, and the relationship ended because he is an alcoholic (in denial). He said we weren't a great fit because I didn't like to party as much as he did (true). His alcoholism and my inexperience and low self-esteem got in the way of healthy communication, so we grew apart. As I said a above, we do talk a few times a year, but he has never expressed any feeling for me beyond friendship in over six years. However, a couple of weeks ago he sent me an email telling me he loves me and would like to get married to me.
3. William*: We dated for about 8 months and broke up not quite a year ago. Our relationship was very emotionally unhealthy; he was emotionally abusive, and while my self-esteem is much better than it was ten years ago, I still have some healing to do. He still obsessively emails me (and would call/text me but I had to change my phone number). He writes how wonderful I am, how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he wants to get back together. I asked him numerous times not to contact me anymore, and five months ago I stopped responding to him at all, but he still emails me. Finally, I had my pastor contact him and tell him to leave me alone, and now William sends my pastor five page emails saying how much he loves me.
4. The Fireman*: We dated for about 2 months recently, and he wrote on his blog just a couple of days ago that he wants to get back together with me as his birthday present (about 2 weeks from now). The Fireman is a great guy, but he's not right for me.
Despite these affirmations of that I must be a “good catch,” and despite Ryan’s words of affirmation in our relationship, why can’t I just believe that I am valuable to someone? Why can’t I simply relax and enjoy dating someone without constantly trying to keep up my walls or give myself an “out”? Why do I have to over-analyze everything? Is it that I have not yet met the right guy? Or is it my lack of faith? Certainly none of the guys I mentioned above would have been right for me.
Why is it that I have so much self-confidence in almost every other area of my life, but when it comes to dating or backing into parking spaces, I feel completely inept?
The positive part of these struggles is that I am reminded of my need for my Savior. Only He can heal me. Only He can meet my needs. And He will walk me through these issues, just as He has walked me through issues of career, finances, and friendships.
*Names have been changed.
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