Pop! Quiz

Perhaps, like me, you are still struggling with reacclimating yourself to your full-time work and/or school schedule after the minor procedure (e.g. Lifestyle Lift, LASIK, mini-lobotomy) and major relaxation (minus the hassle of family and friends) you experienced over the holidays.

So, the last thing you want is a pop quiz from the teach or a surprise test on the new Mission and Vision statement of your church or organization.

It can certainly be a daunting and challenging task to regulate alertness and clarity during the day, especially after a holiday hiatus. One effective yet unhealthy way to adjust would be through the measured use of uppers and downers; pop some caffeine or Benzedrine to get you going and keep you alert during the day, and use alcohol or Xanax to help numb and quiet your mind at night. I personally like to read books (hence, my handle) in the early morn’ and late in the eve (while cuddled up in my Snuggie) to help regulate my brain waves.

Alternatively, and as practice for potential surprises at school or work, I’ve devised a pop quiz to help warm your noodle and help you get adjusted back to reality. Should you answer incorrectly, you will be immediately disgusted and appalled by the appearance of a popular yet nerdy television character portrayed in the form of a doll with an oversized, wobbly head. If you answer correctly, you will be rewarded not just with the good feeling that you got the answer right, but with a visual affirmation that you are correct.

One important value you will learn in school is giving credit where credit is due. Plagiarism can lead to expulsion and ridicule. Hence, I thank my fellow blogger, Classic Culture, for the quizzical idea.

1. Coldplay’s popular song title, “Yellow,” released in 2000, was inspired by

a. The dry, dusty coating pollen phenomenon that occurs every April in Georgia, lasting about three weeks, that turns the air, cars, and eyeballs yellow

b. The color of the stars in the night sky

c. A metaphor for joy and happiness

d. The Yellow Pages phone directory

2. The little red cooler that I tote around with me and that sits affectionately on the extra chair in my office contains (at least, as I've convinced Randy "the Communications Guy" Renbarger)

a. Fiber supplements that support a healthy digestive system

b. A severed head

c. Tofurkey and Nayonnaise

d. A spare kidney in case I need a transplant on short notice

3. During staff prayer on Tuesday mornings at the large southeastern Presbyterian Church where I am employed, it is socially acceptable to

a. Check and reply to emails on your mobile device of choice (e.g. iPhone, Blackberry, etc.)

b. Confess to God that you are experiencing spiritual warfare

c. Slouch in your seat and begin to nod off if you are sitting near the back of the room

d. Laugh at Bob Carter’s jokes

4. The behaviors that most annoy me at the fitness center where I work out are

a. Lecherous men who incorrectly assume that because they wear tank tops and walk around with their chests puffed out that they are playas and mack on all the young attractive ladies

b. People who use the ergometer incorrectly by letting their legs bend before releasing their arms on the return stroke

c. New Years’ Resolutioners who clog up the equipment and lose an average of 3.2 pounds in January before promptly returning to a state of Oprah-watching and bon-bon-eating whereby they gain 10 pounds in the first week of February

d. Would-be bodybuilders who swing the equipment with poor form so as to impress the passersby with their “strength” but who actually look ridiculous because they don’t know what they are doing

5. My Myers-Briggs personality is (the best one to be)

a. INTJ

b. ENFJ

c. ISFP

d. Personality theory is bunk

6. According to a prior post on my blog, I celebrate Christmas by

a. Crying exactly one tear into a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, preferably the cranberry (for the promotion of a healthy urinary tract, of course) flavored variety

b. Decking my humble abode with twinkly lights and a life-sized Santa

c. Slaving in the kitchen all day to prepare a delicious Tofu turkey with vegan dressing for all my friends and relatives

d. Protesting consumerism by purchasing absolutely nothing for anyone in my life

Winter Blues

Today is the shortest day of the year. Thank God because I am experiencing an inability to concentrate, low self-esteem, decreased appetite, and a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities, and if I were able to look forward to anything, I would pleasurably anticipate the gradually increasing minutes of sunshine over the coming days and months. The winter solstice occurs at the instant when the Sun's position in the sky is at its greatest angular distance on the other side of the equatorial plane from the observer’s hemisphere. In layman’s terms, by the time you are finished working, even if you have a cushy job in the school system where you get off work in the early afternoon, or perhaps you are off for the next two weeks altogether, it is already night time.

I refuse to admit I am depressed because of the stigma associated with depression in this society. Psychiatry looks at depression as a disease while some folks view it as a constructed state of mind that you can simply “snap out of.” Never mind the egregious use of a preposition at the end of a sentence or phrase, why would anyone choose to be depressed if shrugging it off were such a simple matter?

While we’re on the subject of our society and their harebrained views about what is normal, I’d like to opine on a strange yet popular Christmas custom. This custom entails polluting the environment, raising stress levels in the body, spending precious capital you don’t have because of the economy, exposing yourself to infection and disease, and ceaseless hours wasted racking your pea sized brain for ideas that will ultimately be foolish and temporal. I’m referring to the bizarre notion of Christmas shopping.

I protest consumerism. The pleasure of my company should be gift enough for my loved ones. Not to mention I am saving my precious friends and family from the germs I did not pick up from the coughing, sneezing rugrats at the mall, the pollution I did not create by driving around parking lots searching for the perfect slot, and the needless stress I did not create from fighting the crowds. Instead, when I encounter others, I feel fresh and rejeuvenated from the quiet time I spent reading edifying literature, the wisdom from which I can share jovially during the holidays (winter malaise notwithstanding).

Just thinking about shopping has produced a rapid heartbeat, perspiration, dizziness, trembling, and nausea. Physiological processes are much more socially acceptable than psychological dysfunction, so I refuse to admit that I am experiencing anxiety, again because of the stigma.

You can thank me later for saving you from that awkward moment when you’ve unwrapped my gift and now have to (1) act surprised, (2) pretend like the worthless crap in front of you is just what you needed, and (3) waste all day being fake and brainstorming ways to incorporate the gift into a useful venture.