I’m single again.
And surprisingly, it feels pretty damn good.
The deep longing of my heart is to one day be married. I feel that God designed me for and intends for me to be married. And there are many aspects of dating and relationships that I enjoy. Yet, I have a strong sense that I am exactly where I need to be right now.
I was reading “Let Me Be a Woman,” by Elisabeth Elliot last night, and she wrote in the book, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.” I get frustrated with people who exhort, “Be content in your singleness.” God put a desire on my heart to be married, and I see clear evidence of Him preparing me for a marriage relationship. God wants us to long for what he intends for us and not be merely “content.” But He also wants us to live today. This is the place I am in right now. I long for marriage, but singleness is God’s path for me today, and I will live to the fullest in that.
I have a friend who is involved with Celebrate Recovery, a Christian-based addictions recovery program that is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. She reminded me yesterday to take life one day at a time. And she is right. I get overwhelmed at times thinking about the future. At times, I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of meeting, dating, and marrying my future husband. But God dispenses His grace one day at a time. He gives me exactly what I need for today. And thankfully, this enables me to rely on Him every single day. So today, I trust that I am where I need to be. Single.
The past few weeks, I had been feeling increasingly unsettled with the guy I was dating. I hate to admit it, but I knew he was not right for me, yet I was reluctant to cut it off because I liked his personality. And I did not really want to be alone. I have a great support network of friends, but I enjoy the particular feeling of companionship in a dating relationship. I like having someone to talk to before going to bed. I like knowing someone is thinking about me during the day.
I have been feeling insecure, as well, the past few weeks, much more so than is usual for me. Like anyone, I have some insecurity, but for the most part I am pretty confident and well-adjusted. Now that the relationship is over, suddenly, my confidence is back. When I opened up to my ex about how I was feeling (while we were still dating), he told me that my insecurities were coming from inside me, he denied any part in it, and his words led me to doubt myself. Now that I am out of the relationship, I see that it wasn’t that anything is wrong with me, he just wasn’t right for me. And perhaps, as well, I was reacting to his emotional unavailability.
In my Bible study group today, we discussed Philippians 1 and the importance of fellowship. One of the benefits of having true friends who love us (more specifically in the context of the passage, Christian friends), is that they desire to see us grow and be happier and healthier. If our true friends give us criticism or negative feedback, we can trust that they are saying it out of love because they truly want the best for us.
One of my weaknesses is that in dating relationships, when the guy gives me negative feedback, I want to believe that he is saying it in a loving way because he truly desires that I be a more Godly and better person. However, I think in reality, a lot of times guys say things to me out of their own insecurities and weaknesses. Perhaps they are projecting some of their own insecurities, but whatever the reason, the negative feedback is not said out of a sincere heart. Unfortunately, I have a hard time discerning when this is the case, and I take their comments seriously, which in the case of this most recent relationship, made me question myself and feel some insecurity.
As my pastor David* said, “Don’t date guys in the gym. They are screwed up.”
No, that’s not the quote I meant, although he said that, as well. He also said, “Don’t fall in love with the icing, which consists of personality and physical attraction. We need the cake, the substance, to fill us up. The icing is delicious, but when we eat only the icing, we will end up with a headache.”
If I am really honest with myself, my most recent ex was icing. And I ended up with a headache.
Now that the sugar crash has cleared, I am looking forward to working on myself and becoming more emotionally and spiritually healthy. I am also excited to have the opportunity to look for a man of substance, a man whose heart belongs to God.
One of the best books I have read is “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,” by Peter Scazzero. He avers that spiritual and emotional maturity co-occur. (Side note: My recent ex-boyfriend was not at all spiritually mature, hence, he cannot truly be emotionally mature, either. It is not my intent to be critical of him, as he has many great qualities. But I admit that I conveniently overlooked the spiritual issue because I was attracted to him, and I wanted to date him because he was tasty icing. However, I probably should have known better.) In Scazzero’s book, he has one of the most informative charts I have seen that lists the characteristics of an emotionally healthy person. You can view this chart here. Jesus functioned at 100. He was both perfectly confident and perfectly humble.
For now, I will work on my relationship with God first and foremost. I am also seeing a counselor who can help me grow emotionally and psychologically. Beyond that, it is my aim (with God’s help) to put my trust in God when it comes to relationships. I desire to follow His will for me and not to date someone just because he pursues me or seems attractive. I want to look for the substance, the heart, the cake. I wish to fully and intentionally rely on God to provide what I need, particularly in the arena of dating relationships.
While I do wish to be in a relationship that is headed towards marriage, I am not going to go out and specifically seek to date. Rather, I wish to follow God’s direction. For now, at least, I am discarding my old List of qualities and characteristics to look for in mate, and I am going with my friend Emily’s* list, which I have written about previously.
1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.
Today, I am very thankful for friends who are praying for me and encouraging me. I am thankful for the amazing people that surround me daily. I am thankful for the healing that God has brought into my life. I am thankful that my happiness, joy, peace, and hope comes always and only from Jesus Christ. I thankful that I feel confident in my identity in Christ.
*Names have been changed.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Adrift
The sermon this weekend was completely apropos. Why is it that nearly every week in church tears spring to my eyes, and of course I never remember to bring a tissue?Our pastor has been preaching on misplaced confidence. He says that often times when we sin, there is a sin beneath the sin. We can work hard at trying to be better, but there is likely something underlying the sin, for instance a wrong view of ourselves. This is so true for me, as I’m realizing that I still have a faulty view of my self-worth, which is broken on a very deep level. I have come so far (through my relationship with God, counseling, and wonderful female friends), yet I still struggle in this area.
All of us have some degree of misplaced confidence, relying on some idol other than God for our happiness. We rely on our own strength to get through life or to earn God’s favor, rather than living the truth that we are righteous in God’s eyes not because of anything we could do, but because Jesus Christ already did it for us.
The pastor said that if you are a Christian, despite your misplaced confidence, God will not reject you (Just as God did not reject David, despite David’s numerous moral failures and misplaced confidence)!
As I was sitting in church thinking about the pastor’s statements, I realized that I do worry that God will reject me. I am so sinful, and I lack so much faith. I am rebellious and I am weak, and while I truly desire to live God’s will and to be the Godly woman that He longs for me to be, I fall so short.
The good news is that because I fall short of God’s glory, I need His grace. I need Jesus Christ’s death on my behalf. I need the Holy Spirit indwelling in my heart to guide me. I cannot do it on my own.
Yet I often find myself subconsciously believing lies. I worry that God will reject me because I am not perfect. I am far from comprehending God’s grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Note the word “unmerited.” I do not deserve it, yet I get it anyway!
The insecurity I feel in my relationship with God, feeling like he will reject me based on poor or imperfect performance, is the same insecurity I feel in dating relationships. I do not really understand how I can be imperfect yet still lovable, in God’s eyes or in the eyes of a boyfriend. While my perfectionism is advantageous in a lot of areas, as it drives me toward excellence and mastery, which gives me a sense of confidence and self-worth, my perfectionism is also a drawback. It is not as extreme as it used to be, as God has healed me greatly, but I often subconsciously feel like if I am not perfect, I am a failure.
Once again, I have a difficult time grasping God’s grace. Certainly, I am growing in this area, and I understand it more now than I did a few years ago, but I have so far to go in my walk (which, of course, can never be realized in this lifetime).
In dating relationships, I never feel like they will work out. I always find “reasons” why someone is not right for me, which is relatively easy because no one is perfect. I then proceed to doubt myself and feel ambivalent and stressed, overanalyzing everything. Why can’t I just relax and trust God? Is it that I have not met the right person? I am confident that none of the guys I dated in the past were right for me. Yet I still feel that something inside me is broken, that I do not have a right view of relationships.
Do I (deep down) feel like relationships won’t work out because of me (rather than the “reasons” why the guy is not right for me)? I am not perfect, and I do not feel worthy of love, and perhaps I project this onto others. I do not truly believe that God will bring me my heart’s desire.
Yet God tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). He tells me that He will meet all my needs (Philippians 4:19), so that whatever is broken inside me, He will heal in His perfect timing.
I don’t know the answers. I hate that this life is full of so much struggle. I am so frustrated that the thing I long for the most, which is to be married and to have that partnership and friendship and love, seems so unattainable. I hate that I feel so inept at relationships, when God has put such a strong desire on my heart to have them. (Before I became a Christian, I did not care as much about having close friendships or getting married.) I know intellectually that God is with me and that He is walking me through it, but emotionally, I still feel like I am adrift on an ocean of uncertainty.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Overanalyzing
I had lunch with my friend Jessica* a few days ago, and of course we discussed relationships (two women across a lunch table, come on). I filled her in on my recent romantic relationship ups and downs, and I mentioned the ambivalence I usually feel in relationships and how I tend to over-analyze them (thinking that if I can just analyze them enough, they will somehow work out). I have a hard time giving it to God and trusting that He is in control, and He is there for me regardless of the outcome.
Jessica helped me to see that much of my uneasiness in dating relationships is a result of deep-rooted self-worth issues, which ultimately is a lack of faith in God.
Jessica remarked that it seemed like my faith was very strong, at least compared with many of the people in her life (to me, my faith seems so weak!). She asked why I have so little trust in God in romantic relationships, yet I seem to have much more trust in Him to see me through other situations, like finances, career, friendships, or other struggles.
After processing her question for a bit, I realized that deep down, I do not feel worthy of a loving, healthy relationship. I do not believe that someone could want to marry me or spend his life with me. I suppose this is a result of my upbringing and mistreatment in past relationships. And I do not believe that God would really bring me someone who could love me so deeply (likely because I do not fully believe that He loves me so deeply).
When Ryan*, my current boyfriend, makes statements that affirm how much he likes me, wants to spend time with me, and sees a future with me, it’s like two seconds later those statements are out of my head. It is as if I cannot at all internalize the fact that he likes me and cares for me. This is so frustrating because I feel like I can never relax, I try to keep him at arms length “just in case,” and I constantly question the relationship.
I constantly want to fall back on my performance. I have read 348,489 books on dating and relationships, and I want to follow every single piece of advice in those books, as if it is my performance that will determine whether a relationship will “work” or fail, as if my performance determines my self-worth. Hmm, this idea sounds a lot like my relationship with God. I constantly find myself trying to “do good” to earn God’s favor rather than relying on His strength and living the gospel, that Jesus did it all, and nothing I can do will earn God’s favor. He loves me because of the work that Jesus Christ already did for me on the cross.
As an INTJ, I am constantly attempting to achieve mastery. But relationships are messy, and I will never do them perfectly. However, I am constantly striving to do so (in my own strength, of course, neglecting to rely on God).
Jessica helped me to see that much of my uneasiness in dating relationships is a result of deep-rooted self-worth issues, which ultimately is a lack of faith in God.
Jessica remarked that it seemed like my faith was very strong, at least compared with many of the people in her life (to me, my faith seems so weak!). She asked why I have so little trust in God in romantic relationships, yet I seem to have much more trust in Him to see me through other situations, like finances, career, friendships, or other struggles.
After processing her question for a bit, I realized that deep down, I do not feel worthy of a loving, healthy relationship. I do not believe that someone could want to marry me or spend his life with me. I suppose this is a result of my upbringing and mistreatment in past relationships. And I do not believe that God would really bring me someone who could love me so deeply (likely because I do not fully believe that He loves me so deeply).
When Ryan*, my current boyfriend, makes statements that affirm how much he likes me, wants to spend time with me, and sees a future with me, it’s like two seconds later those statements are out of my head. It is as if I cannot at all internalize the fact that he likes me and cares for me. This is so frustrating because I feel like I can never relax, I try to keep him at arms length “just in case,” and I constantly question the relationship.
I constantly want to fall back on my performance. I have read 348,489 books on dating and relationships, and I want to follow every single piece of advice in those books, as if it is my performance that will determine whether a relationship will “work” or fail, as if my performance determines my self-worth. Hmm, this idea sounds a lot like my relationship with God. I constantly find myself trying to “do good” to earn God’s favor rather than relying on His strength and living the gospel, that Jesus did it all, and nothing I can do will earn God’s favor. He loves me because of the work that Jesus Christ already did for me on the cross.
As an INTJ, I am constantly attempting to achieve mastery. But relationships are messy, and I will never do them perfectly. However, I am constantly striving to do so (in my own strength, of course, neglecting to rely on God).
At least I am not alone, as there are fellow INTJs on the intjforum writing about similar relationship struggles:
- By nature INTJs can be demanding in their expectations, and they approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result INTJs may not always respond to a spontaneous infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria.
- Wishing to control nature, the INTJ "scientist" probably has more difficulty than all other types in making up his or her mind in mate selection.
- Even mate selection must be done in a scientific way. It may well be that the narratives, plays, and films impugning the "rational and objective" approach to mating have as their target our thorough-going scientist INTJ.
- Courtship is a special problem for Masterminds, since they regard the selection of a proper mate as a rational process, a matter of finding someone who correlates highly with their mental list of physical and intellectual requirements.
-INTJs tend to be confident in their choices / decisions / assumptions but doubt themselves.
I am thankful to know that I am not alone.
I am not sure what God is doing, but lately He has brought a lot of my ex-boyfriends back into my life. These are guys that I do not contact, except Johnny, who calls me a couple of times a year.
1. James*: We dated for 3 years when I was in college, and we broke up because he was emotionally and phyically abusive, and I was extremely codependent. I have seen him one time, briefly, in over ten years, but I ran into him at the gym yesterday. He remarked what a great catch I am, how I’m the best woman he’s ever dated.
2. Johnny*: We dated for 2 years when I was in my early 20s, and the relationship ended because he is an alcoholic (in denial). He said we weren't a great fit because I didn't like to party as much as he did (true). His alcoholism and my inexperience and low self-esteem got in the way of healthy communication, so we grew apart. As I said a above, we do talk a few times a year, but he has never expressed any feeling for me beyond friendship in over six years. However, a couple of weeks ago he sent me an email telling me he loves me and would like to get married to me.
3. William*: We dated for about 8 months and broke up not quite a year ago. Our relationship was very emotionally unhealthy; he was emotionally abusive, and while my self-esteem is much better than it was ten years ago, I still have some healing to do. He still obsessively emails me (and would call/text me but I had to change my phone number). He writes how wonderful I am, how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he wants to get back together. I asked him numerous times not to contact me anymore, and five months ago I stopped responding to him at all, but he still emails me. Finally, I had my pastor contact him and tell him to leave me alone, and now William sends my pastor five page emails saying how much he loves me.
4. The Fireman*: We dated for about 2 months recently, and he wrote on his blog just a couple of days ago that he wants to get back together with me as his birthday present (about 2 weeks from now). The Fireman is a great guy, but he's not right for me.
Despite these affirmations of that I must be a “good catch,” and despite Ryan’s words of affirmation in our relationship, why can’t I just believe that I am valuable to someone? Why can’t I simply relax and enjoy dating someone without constantly trying to keep up my walls or give myself an “out”? Why do I have to over-analyze everything? Is it that I have not yet met the right guy? Or is it my lack of faith? Certainly none of the guys I mentioned above would have been right for me.
Why is it that I have so much self-confidence in almost every other area of my life, but when it comes to dating or backing into parking spaces, I feel completely inept?
The positive part of these struggles is that I am reminded of my need for my Savior. Only He can heal me. Only He can meet my needs. And He will walk me through these issues, just as He has walked me through issues of career, finances, and friendships.
*Names have been changed.
My Abusive Ex Gives Relationship Advice
When I was 18 years old, so about 13 years ago, I met and dated this guy James* for several years, and James was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me. James was a textbook narcissist (exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success/power/brilliance, believes he is special, requires excessive admiration, sense of entitlement, takes advangage of others, lacks empathy, is envious of others, and displays arrogant or haughty behavior). I was young and lacked any semblance of self-esteem whatsoever, and I fell for his charm at first. The relationship ended when we finally broke up and he began stalking me. I called the police, who confronted him, and thankfully I never heard from him again.
Until today. (Actually, I had a very brief encounter with him about 3 years ago, but nothing came of it). So I see him at the gym, and it was somewhat surreal. I mean, this is a guy who treated me horribly, he was beyond cruel to me. I've been through a lot of counseling, and he has no power over me anymore. I do not ever think of him.
He followed me around the gym for at least 40 minutes, talking to me as I worked out. I made little eye contact and barely acknowledged what he said, but he kept talking as if I cared (exaggerated sense of self-importance). He barely asked anything about my life, which is fine with me. He eventually asked if I am married (no). He then asked if I wanted to go out with him, as if he has erased the fact that our last encounter - essentially the police telling him to stay away from me or he would get locked up - from his mind (I'm sure in his mind we had a great relationship, he probably saw himself as a stellar boyfriend).
Until today. (Actually, I had a very brief encounter with him about 3 years ago, but nothing came of it). So I see him at the gym, and it was somewhat surreal. I mean, this is a guy who treated me horribly, he was beyond cruel to me. I've been through a lot of counseling, and he has no power over me anymore. I do not ever think of him.
He followed me around the gym for at least 40 minutes, talking to me as I worked out. I made little eye contact and barely acknowledged what he said, but he kept talking as if I cared (exaggerated sense of self-importance). He barely asked anything about my life, which is fine with me. He eventually asked if I am married (no). He then asked if I wanted to go out with him, as if he has erased the fact that our last encounter - essentially the police telling him to stay away from me or he would get locked up - from his mind (I'm sure in his mind we had a great relationship, he probably saw himself as a stellar boyfriend).
The conversation went something like this, because I kept walking away from him to rehydrate at the water fountain:
James: You need to carry around a water bottle.
Me: I don’t like baggage. And yes, I mean that as a double entendre.
James: So would you want to go out with me since you’re not married.
Me: Oh, I have a boyfriend.
I told James that I have a boyfriend (true), not that I would have gone out with him anyway (ugh). James asked what my boyfriend (Ryan*) did for a living, and told him, and I talked about how awesome Ryan is and how much I like him.
James asked me if I thought I was going to marry Ryan, and I replied that I don't know. James also asked if I love my boyfriend, and I replied that I haven't been dating him long enough to be in love with him. I don't fall in love easily, I said.
James said that everyone he knows who is married "just knew" right away that their date would be their future spouse. He essentially told me that because I am unsure, that Ryan is not the right guy for me.
All of this bothers me on some level. I told Ryan about it, and he makes a good point. James is 40 years old, never married, has gone on one date in the past five years (according to him), and is clearly VERY lonely. Why am I even the least bit concerned what he says about relationships? And Ryan remarked that very few people, if any, are 100% sure.
Yet in a general sense, apart from the comments that James made, I often feel ambivalent in relationships, and this uncertainty causes a lot of anguish for me. I am an INTJ, and I like things decided. It is very challenging for me to just enjoy the process without having some sense of the outcome. I often wonder if anyone will be right enough for me, if I will always feel ambivalent because of my over-analysis. Or if I simply haven't met the right guy.
In any event, James said he's moving out of the country in two days, so that case is closed in my book. As for finding The One, I am trusting in God. He will let me know what I need to know in His timing.
*Names have been changed
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The List
My girlfriends and I frequently talk to each other about our Lists. The List is an itemized inventory of all the qualifications we are looking for in a potential husband.
I sometimes think that what men are looking for in a woman is:
1. Attractiveness
2. Shared Interests (optional)
3. Good Character (optional)
Once those criteria are checked off, within about the first five minutes of meeting a woman, he is satisfied that she is suitable for him. He then does not worry or constantly overanalyze the relationship as they begin to date and get more serious. He is basically happy and content, and his main source of unhappiness comes when he feels he is not able to make her happy.
Women, on the other hand, do not have such a simple checklist. We have catalogued and cross-referenced databases with which all men must be analyzed and evaluated. Our extensive Lists are a great source of stress and ambiguity in our lives and dating (mis-)adventures, and we are constantly updating and editing our Lists.
There are thousands of books written addressing the topic of qualities to seek in a mate (all purchased and read by women, of course). I have read approximately 4,589 of them.
Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, avers that we should come up with a list of 10 “must haves” and 10 “can’t stands,” qualities that are deal breakers in a relationship. He also states that there are 29 dimensions of compatibility, and that in happy marriages, partners are compatible in at least 26 of these areas.
John Gottman proposes seven principles for making a marriage work, although that does not really address what people should look for in a date who may become a potential mate.
I had lunch last week with my dear friend Emily*, who has a wonderful, strong, and happy marriage to her husband. She remarked that when she was single, she had lists, too, but at the time she started dating her future husband, she had four qualifications that she was seeking in a man.
1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.
Emily said that these conditions are not for everyone, but for her, she felt that these are what God wanted for her. I wrote them down and have been thinking about our conversation now for several days. Her list is certainly simpler than mine. And it worked out very well in her life.
I am not sure what this means for me. I wish I were better able to trust in God in all areas of my life, but specifically with regards to dating. I often erroneously believe that if I overanalyze my relationships and tweak my List into perfection (read: in my own strength), then I will be in control of my love life and I will live happily ever after.
But God is sovereign, He knows His plan for my life, and He wants me to put my faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself daily (actually, on a minute-by-minute basis) that God is in control, I can cast my worries on Him, I can do all things through Him, and He will use all things together for good. I am thankful that He is sovereign and that I am not, and thankful that I am not perfect because it is a reminder of how much I need Him.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
*Names have been changed.
I sometimes think that what men are looking for in a woman is:
1. Attractiveness
2. Shared Interests (optional)
3. Good Character (optional)
Once those criteria are checked off, within about the first five minutes of meeting a woman, he is satisfied that she is suitable for him. He then does not worry or constantly overanalyze the relationship as they begin to date and get more serious. He is basically happy and content, and his main source of unhappiness comes when he feels he is not able to make her happy.
Women, on the other hand, do not have such a simple checklist. We have catalogued and cross-referenced databases with which all men must be analyzed and evaluated. Our extensive Lists are a great source of stress and ambiguity in our lives and dating (mis-)adventures, and we are constantly updating and editing our Lists.
There are thousands of books written addressing the topic of qualities to seek in a mate (all purchased and read by women, of course). I have read approximately 4,589 of them.
Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, avers that we should come up with a list of 10 “must haves” and 10 “can’t stands,” qualities that are deal breakers in a relationship. He also states that there are 29 dimensions of compatibility, and that in happy marriages, partners are compatible in at least 26 of these areas.
John Gottman proposes seven principles for making a marriage work, although that does not really address what people should look for in a date who may become a potential mate.
I had lunch last week with my dear friend Emily*, who has a wonderful, strong, and happy marriage to her husband. She remarked that when she was single, she had lists, too, but at the time she started dating her future husband, she had four qualifications that she was seeking in a man.
1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.
Emily said that these conditions are not for everyone, but for her, she felt that these are what God wanted for her. I wrote them down and have been thinking about our conversation now for several days. Her list is certainly simpler than mine. And it worked out very well in her life.
I am not sure what this means for me. I wish I were better able to trust in God in all areas of my life, but specifically with regards to dating. I often erroneously believe that if I overanalyze my relationships and tweak my List into perfection (read: in my own strength), then I will be in control of my love life and I will live happily ever after.
But God is sovereign, He knows His plan for my life, and He wants me to put my faith and trust in Him. I have to remind myself daily (actually, on a minute-by-minute basis) that God is in control, I can cast my worries on Him, I can do all things through Him, and He will use all things together for good. I am thankful that He is sovereign and that I am not, and thankful that I am not perfect because it is a reminder of how much I need Him.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
*Names have been changed.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Love Languages
I have been thinking about love.
Gary Chapman has written several books about the 5 Love Languages, which are ways in which people express and interpret love. People feel most loved when their partner “speaks” their love language. These languages can be learned once you know what to look for, and they can help you care for your partner in ways that are most meaningful to him or her.
The 5 Love Languages are as follows (adapted from www.5lovelanguages.com):
Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. You like being affirmed and told you are important and missed when your partner is away.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. You do not care what you do, necessarily, but you enjoy just being with your partner.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
I had a general idea of the love languages that are most important to me, but I just took the online quiz and I was a bit surprised when Physical Touch came out far ahead of the others. I love physical affection like hugs and kisses and holding hands, and I love sitting close to someone with whom I‘m in a relationship. I feel most loved when my boyfriend is very affectionate with me. My family of origin is not affectionate at all, and I do not tend to be physically affectionate with friends, but in a romantic relationship, it is very important to me. Conversely, I feel extremely hurt and rejected when affection is withdrawn or withheld.
Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are also important to me, though less so than Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for when a man gives me his undivided attention, when it is clear that he enjoys my company and wants to get to know me. Slightly less important, but still very meaningful in my language of love, is the sense of being verbally affirmed. I feel loved when a man tells me he misses me, when he tells me that I make him happy, or when he tells me he likes it that I am a part of his life.
Acts of Service and Gifts are appreciated, as they are thoughtful gestures, but they do not necessarily make me feel more loved. I once dated someone who spoke primarily these two languages; he got me little gifts or items he knew I needed, and he tried to do things for me that made my life easier. I really appreciated his efforts. But when he did give me words of affirmation, I was surprised. Because while I valued his actions and tokens of his care and concern, they did not make me feel loved.
My dad speaks almost exclusively in the Acts of Service love language. He shows my brothers and me that he loves us by working on our cars. For a month or so, I have had some general maintenance issues with my car with which I knew I needed his help, and then a few days ago, I started having problems with my brakes, and I called my dad in a panic. He reassured me that everything was fine, that I could come by his house and switch cars with him, drive his car, and that he would take care of everything.
Two days later, he called me and told me my car was ready. He put on four new brakes, turned the rotors, put in a new sensor and solenoid for the EGR component, replaced the air filter, changed the oil, and checked all the fluids. I am extremely thankful to my dad for taking care of me by taking care of my car. I work in non-profit and would have had a hard time paying for these repairs had I taken my car into the shop. Almost as valuable as the financial aspect is the fact that my dad saved me a lot of worry and time spent waiting on repairs.
So, while Acts of Service is my fourth of five love languages, I am very appreciative that my dad’s love language is Acts of Service. I feel that God is showing His love for me and His provision for me through my earthly dad, and I feel so blessed and loved. I also feel enormously appreciative and thankful to my dad and to God, who always provides for me exactly what I need.
Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Gary Chapman has written several books about the 5 Love Languages, which are ways in which people express and interpret love. People feel most loved when their partner “speaks” their love language. These languages can be learned once you know what to look for, and they can help you care for your partner in ways that are most meaningful to him or her.
The 5 Love Languages are as follows (adapted from www.5lovelanguages.com):
Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. You like being affirmed and told you are important and missed when your partner is away.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. You do not care what you do, necessarily, but you enjoy just being with your partner.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
I had a general idea of the love languages that are most important to me, but I just took the online quiz and I was a bit surprised when Physical Touch came out far ahead of the others. I love physical affection like hugs and kisses and holding hands, and I love sitting close to someone with whom I‘m in a relationship. I feel most loved when my boyfriend is very affectionate with me. My family of origin is not affectionate at all, and I do not tend to be physically affectionate with friends, but in a romantic relationship, it is very important to me. Conversely, I feel extremely hurt and rejected when affection is withdrawn or withheld.
Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are also important to me, though less so than Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for when a man gives me his undivided attention, when it is clear that he enjoys my company and wants to get to know me. Slightly less important, but still very meaningful in my language of love, is the sense of being verbally affirmed. I feel loved when a man tells me he misses me, when he tells me that I make him happy, or when he tells me he likes it that I am a part of his life.
Acts of Service and Gifts are appreciated, as they are thoughtful gestures, but they do not necessarily make me feel more loved. I once dated someone who spoke primarily these two languages; he got me little gifts or items he knew I needed, and he tried to do things for me that made my life easier. I really appreciated his efforts. But when he did give me words of affirmation, I was surprised. Because while I valued his actions and tokens of his care and concern, they did not make me feel loved.
My dad speaks almost exclusively in the Acts of Service love language. He shows my brothers and me that he loves us by working on our cars. For a month or so, I have had some general maintenance issues with my car with which I knew I needed his help, and then a few days ago, I started having problems with my brakes, and I called my dad in a panic. He reassured me that everything was fine, that I could come by his house and switch cars with him, drive his car, and that he would take care of everything.
Two days later, he called me and told me my car was ready. He put on four new brakes, turned the rotors, put in a new sensor and solenoid for the EGR component, replaced the air filter, changed the oil, and checked all the fluids. I am extremely thankful to my dad for taking care of me by taking care of my car. I work in non-profit and would have had a hard time paying for these repairs had I taken my car into the shop. Almost as valuable as the financial aspect is the fact that my dad saved me a lot of worry and time spent waiting on repairs.
So, while Acts of Service is my fourth of five love languages, I am very appreciative that my dad’s love language is Acts of Service. I feel that God is showing His love for me and His provision for me through my earthly dad, and I feel so blessed and loved. I also feel enormously appreciative and thankful to my dad and to God, who always provides for me exactly what I need.
Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
My Pet INTP
My new intrigue, Ryan* (who reads this blog and now occasionally refers to himself in the third person as Ryan, which pleases me to no end), is a Myers-Briggs personality type INTP, and seeing as how his personality is quite similar to mine as an INTJ, I am interested in his inner being and how it contributes to our interactions together. He is both dominant and very affectionate. He is up front and honest about his life and wants me to be a part of it, yet he does not really let me into his inner being. He is very independent and I am surprised when he says, “I wish I could see you all the time. I wish you lived with me.”
I have two other male friends who are INTP personality types, and while they are each unique, they definitely remind me of one another.
Incidentally, if you want to know your Myers-Briggs personality, you can find out by taking this online test.
So what is an INTP? And how do they relate to INTJ?
- INTP likes to exert dominance, and they like to be right. They do not take things at face value and often find the weakness in another’s statement or argument. They will tend to correct others if the shade of meaning is off. I am confident that an INTP will refute this point.
- INTP is not naturally tuned into other’s feelings. Their feeling function is the least developed of all four functions, with their thinking function taking the lead. Therefore, they do not naturally share their inner feelings, nor do they realize quite when another’s feelings may be hurt (even an INTJ, who is also said to have no feelings and rarely takes things personally).
- They are not naturally well-equipped to meet the emotional needs of others because they do not understand the (logical) relevance of taking subjective emotions into consideration. They do not mean to be this way and often to not realize how insensitive they come across.
- They hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves worthy of hearing the INTPs thoughts.
- INTP tends to be very faithful and loyal in relationships and has no interest in playing games. They will often call out another person’s misbehavior if tested.
- INTJ and INTP tend to “get” each other and communicate well. INTP tends to get bored easily, but will not easily be bored by the complex INTJ. Generally speaking, INTJ and INTP tend to be intellectual equals.
- Both INTJ and INTP highly value knowledge, analyze everything, and constantly imagine how things could be improved. The difference is that the INTP often abandons a project after the dreaming/planning stage, as it is already “completed” in their minds once they have imagined it. They prefer to leave the implementation to others. An INTJ is more likely to see a project to its perfect completion.
- INTP and INTJ are both highly independent, original, and complex.
- INTP has a rich and complex inner life but relatively simple and uncomplicated external life. Both INTP and INTJ can have trouble reconciling their rich and imaginative inner worlds with the actuality of external circumstances.
- Both INTP and INTJ are rare types, each comprising only 1-2% of the population. They both believe themselves (correctly so) to be special.
- INTP likes to analyze things they do not understand (like the complexity of an INTJ) and are bored by things that are too simple or easily understood. The INTJ also analyzes everything, but the difference is that the INTJ strives for mastery and proficiency, whereas the INTP is satisfied with simply analyzing.
- Both INTP and INTJ will tell themselves that they are detached, but they might be more attached (or at least drawn) to each other than they are willing to admit.
- INTJ and INTP have a natural ability to fundamentally understand and respect one another (rare for both types to find this level of respect and understanding with others).
*not his real name
I have two other male friends who are INTP personality types, and while they are each unique, they definitely remind me of one another.
Incidentally, if you want to know your Myers-Briggs personality, you can find out by taking this online test.
So what is an INTP? And how do they relate to INTJ?
- INTP likes to exert dominance, and they like to be right. They do not take things at face value and often find the weakness in another’s statement or argument. They will tend to correct others if the shade of meaning is off. I am confident that an INTP will refute this point.
- INTP is not naturally tuned into other’s feelings. Their feeling function is the least developed of all four functions, with their thinking function taking the lead. Therefore, they do not naturally share their inner feelings, nor do they realize quite when another’s feelings may be hurt (even an INTJ, who is also said to have no feelings and rarely takes things personally).
- They are not naturally well-equipped to meet the emotional needs of others because they do not understand the (logical) relevance of taking subjective emotions into consideration. They do not mean to be this way and often to not realize how insensitive they come across.
- They hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves worthy of hearing the INTPs thoughts.
- INTP tends to be very faithful and loyal in relationships and has no interest in playing games. They will often call out another person’s misbehavior if tested.
- INTJ and INTP tend to “get” each other and communicate well. INTP tends to get bored easily, but will not easily be bored by the complex INTJ. Generally speaking, INTJ and INTP tend to be intellectual equals.
- Both INTJ and INTP highly value knowledge, analyze everything, and constantly imagine how things could be improved. The difference is that the INTP often abandons a project after the dreaming/planning stage, as it is already “completed” in their minds once they have imagined it. They prefer to leave the implementation to others. An INTJ is more likely to see a project to its perfect completion.
- INTP and INTJ are both highly independent, original, and complex.
- INTP has a rich and complex inner life but relatively simple and uncomplicated external life. Both INTP and INTJ can have trouble reconciling their rich and imaginative inner worlds with the actuality of external circumstances.
- Both INTP and INTJ are rare types, each comprising only 1-2% of the population. They both believe themselves (correctly so) to be special.
- INTP likes to analyze things they do not understand (like the complexity of an INTJ) and are bored by things that are too simple or easily understood. The INTJ also analyzes everything, but the difference is that the INTJ strives for mastery and proficiency, whereas the INTP is satisfied with simply analyzing.
- Both INTP and INTJ will tell themselves that they are detached, but they might be more attached (or at least drawn) to each other than they are willing to admit.
- INTJ and INTP have a natural ability to fundamentally understand and respect one another (rare for both types to find this level of respect and understanding with others).
*not his real name
Monday, February 22, 2010
Singleness
A fellow blogger, unruly helpmeet, wrote on her blog yesterday, “I just love looking at fridges. The interesting ones, that is. I like to see the artwork, photos, magnets, notes, and doodads. They say so much about a family.”
I am fascinated by the stories and photos that unruly helpmeet shares on her blog, which is her metaphorical and vast fridge. I feel like I am seeing a glimpse at the inner life of a sweet, creative, and authentic family.
My fridge is empty of mementos and photographs, artwork and magnets.
There are times in my generally full and happy life when I am pierced by a rapidly expanding chasm of loneliness. I am 31 years old and never married. I have a roommate, but I rarely see her because of our different schedules. I grew up in a family that was cold and disengaged, with parents who were emotionally neglectful. I never quite felt at home in my own family, and now I have been on my own for 14 years.
What I am saying is that when I walk into my bedroom at night, I am greeted by the sight of a small pile of books lying on the passenger side of the bed. They are my faithful companions.
I so long for something more, yet I am not even sure what more would look like.
I am highly intrigued by unruly helpmeet’s little family and the families and marriages of my close friends. It all seems so normal, yet marriage and family seem so utterly foreign to me.
I spent time with a dear and trusted friend over the weekend, whom I’ll call Betty*. Betty and I have similar personalities, temperaments, family and relational histories, so I feel I can relate to her (and she makes me feel like there is hope for me). Betty is happily married to a wonderfully kind and loving man.
Me: I don’t even know if I want to get married anymore. For a few years after I became a Christian, I had a strong desire to be married, but now I don’t really feel it anymore.
Betty: I think you do want to be married. I can hear it in your voice.
Me (after a pause): What is the benefit of marriage? Is it really worth it?
Betty: Marriage is such a blessing. You get a partnership and you look out for each other.
Me (close to tears): I can’t even fathom what that would be like. It’s like trying to imagine what it would be like to live in a third world country. I have these snapshot images of dirt and huts but really I have no idea.
I feel alien in romantic relationships. I have never met anyone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than be single. I do not know if that means I have not yet met the right guy or if it is some quality inside me. I never feel settled in relationships. I wonder why I feel this way.
I get lonely at times when I am alone and I long for more, yet I feel like a stranger in dating relationships.
I was in love one time, many years ago. We have a mildly strange but enjoyable friendship now; we talk only a couple of times a year. We both have a high degree of respect and admiration for each other.
I am dating someone (who I will call Ryan*) now, with whom I feel a connectedness that I do not typically feel in relationships. He joked with me last week about me pushing people away in relationships, and I said that maybe he was right or maybe not, but that I did not regret the end of any of my prior relationships, as I did not think any of those guys were right for me. He said, “So you’ve never met the right person for you,” and I immediately said, “No.” Of course, I was not thinking about him, and he did not take it personally, but he made a good point in calling me out about my quick and sure negative reply.
I was spending time with Ryan over the weekend, and I was feeling very happy and content, and I thought to ask how his mom was doing. Suddenly, and before I could ask anything, I began crying. I started thinking about his close friendship with his mom, and I felt so envious. I wanted to go to his house and sit on the couch and spend time around his mom and have her give me advice about life and beauty tips and ask me questions about my life and let her make me her famous trail mix.
I then started thinking about my conversation with Betty from the previous evening and how she described her marriage as two people looking out for each other, as a partnership. And I could not hold back the tears.
Ryan is good for me because he gets me, he sees beyond what I allow him to see, and he calls me out on the things he can perceive below the surface. He somehow knew I was crying, though he could not see my face, and he asked why, so I told him, and he held me in his arms and let me cry.
*Names have been changed
I am fascinated by the stories and photos that unruly helpmeet shares on her blog, which is her metaphorical and vast fridge. I feel like I am seeing a glimpse at the inner life of a sweet, creative, and authentic family.
My fridge is empty of mementos and photographs, artwork and magnets.
There are times in my generally full and happy life when I am pierced by a rapidly expanding chasm of loneliness. I am 31 years old and never married. I have a roommate, but I rarely see her because of our different schedules. I grew up in a family that was cold and disengaged, with parents who were emotionally neglectful. I never quite felt at home in my own family, and now I have been on my own for 14 years.
What I am saying is that when I walk into my bedroom at night, I am greeted by the sight of a small pile of books lying on the passenger side of the bed. They are my faithful companions.
I so long for something more, yet I am not even sure what more would look like.
I am highly intrigued by unruly helpmeet’s little family and the families and marriages of my close friends. It all seems so normal, yet marriage and family seem so utterly foreign to me.
I spent time with a dear and trusted friend over the weekend, whom I’ll call Betty*. Betty and I have similar personalities, temperaments, family and relational histories, so I feel I can relate to her (and she makes me feel like there is hope for me). Betty is happily married to a wonderfully kind and loving man.
Me: I don’t even know if I want to get married anymore. For a few years after I became a Christian, I had a strong desire to be married, but now I don’t really feel it anymore.
Betty: I think you do want to be married. I can hear it in your voice.
Me (after a pause): What is the benefit of marriage? Is it really worth it?
Betty: Marriage is such a blessing. You get a partnership and you look out for each other.
Me (close to tears): I can’t even fathom what that would be like. It’s like trying to imagine what it would be like to live in a third world country. I have these snapshot images of dirt and huts but really I have no idea.
I feel alien in romantic relationships. I have never met anyone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than be single. I do not know if that means I have not yet met the right guy or if it is some quality inside me. I never feel settled in relationships. I wonder why I feel this way.
I get lonely at times when I am alone and I long for more, yet I feel like a stranger in dating relationships.
I was in love one time, many years ago. We have a mildly strange but enjoyable friendship now; we talk only a couple of times a year. We both have a high degree of respect and admiration for each other.
I am dating someone (who I will call Ryan*) now, with whom I feel a connectedness that I do not typically feel in relationships. He joked with me last week about me pushing people away in relationships, and I said that maybe he was right or maybe not, but that I did not regret the end of any of my prior relationships, as I did not think any of those guys were right for me. He said, “So you’ve never met the right person for you,” and I immediately said, “No.” Of course, I was not thinking about him, and he did not take it personally, but he made a good point in calling me out about my quick and sure negative reply.
I was spending time with Ryan over the weekend, and I was feeling very happy and content, and I thought to ask how his mom was doing. Suddenly, and before I could ask anything, I began crying. I started thinking about his close friendship with his mom, and I felt so envious. I wanted to go to his house and sit on the couch and spend time around his mom and have her give me advice about life and beauty tips and ask me questions about my life and let her make me her famous trail mix.
I then started thinking about my conversation with Betty from the previous evening and how she described her marriage as two people looking out for each other, as a partnership. And I could not hold back the tears.
Ryan is good for me because he gets me, he sees beyond what I allow him to see, and he calls me out on the things he can perceive below the surface. He somehow knew I was crying, though he could not see my face, and he asked why, so I told him, and he held me in his arms and let me cry.
*Names have been changed
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Table Scraps
Reinforcing behavior increases the likelihood that the behavior will occur again. For instance, if you tell a dog to sit, and it does, and you give it a treat, the dog will be more likely to sit on command in the future. So it is with humans, as well. If a child is learning to ride a bicycle, and you reinforce the child’s behavior with praise as he learns to ride it, he will be more likely to continue the behaviors that preceded the praise.
Once a behavior is learned, constant reinforcement is unnecessary. Once the dog learns to sit on command, you need not give it a treat every time. And once the child has learned to ride the bicycle, there is no need for constant praise. Indeed, it sounds strange to tell a child, “Great job keeping the bicycle upright,” when he has been riding easily for a long time.
But variable reinforcement can be very powerful. This entails reinforcing behavior unpredictably, and not every single time. For instance, if you have taught a dog to jump on command, you may begin only reinforcing the highest jumps. With humans, gambling is the quintessential example of variable reinforcement. You do not know when you will hit the jackpot, but you keep trying because you know eventually a payoff will come.
That being said, I spend a lot of time thinking about reinforcement in human interaction. I am re-reading a book on operant conditioning, the use of reinforcers to shape behavior, and I came across the following text:
From “Don’t Shoot the Dog,” by Karen Pryor
We have all seen people who inexplicably stick with spouses or lovers who mistreat them. Customarily, we think of this as happening to a woman - she falls for someone who is harsh, inconsiderate, selfish, even cruel, and yet she loves him - but it happens to men, too. Everyone knows such people, who, if divorced or otherwise bereft of the nasty one, go right out and find someone else just like him or her.
Are these people, for deep psychological reasons, perpetual victims? Possibly. But may they not also be victims of long duration variable schedules? If you get into a relationship with someone who is fascinating, charming, sexy, fun, and attentive, and gradually the person becomes more disagreeable, even abusive, though still showing you the good side now and then, you will live for those increasingly rare moments when you are getting all those wonderful reinforcers: the fascinating, charming, sexy, and fun attentiveness. And paradoxically from a commonsense viewpoint, though obviously from the training viewpoint, the rarer and more unpredictable those moments become, the more powerful will be their effect as reinforcers, and the longer your basic behavior will be maintained.
I wish I could explain to others, even to myself, why I stayed in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship for far too long. There was some extremely powerful emotional hook that pulled me back into the relationship just when I began to feel I had had enough.
If he had been cruel all the time, it would have been easy to leave. But inconsistently, he was fascinating, charming, and attentive. And so I put up with the cruelty, the lies, the manipulation, and the jealousy in the hopes that next time he would be his old charming self, and I would feel that all was right with the world.
I told him at times that I felt like a dog waiting for table scraps. I would do what he wanted me to do, waiting for him to finally give me the attention that I wanted from him. It was a difficult and very painful relationship.
Sadly, so many of the women in my life have experienced emotionally (and even physically) abusive relationships. But we are so overcome with shame and guilt over having “let” a guy treat us poorly that we do not talk about it. Most people would have no idea that these women had suffered so at the hands of someone cruel and abusive, because we hide our experiences out of shame that there is something wrong with us. It is unfortunate that our society is so quick to judge these women, labeling them perpetual victims or martyrs. And some of them may be, but most of them are strong, intelligent, compassionate women who are looking for the best in others. And they are stuck in the powerful hook of variable reinforcement.
I do not mean to make abusive relationships sound trite or like a cold, unemotional psychological process. There are many issues involved: identity, societal expectations about roles, childhood trauma, grief, brokenness, self-esteem, and so on. It is tragic to me that so many of us suffer in silence and shame rather than dialoguing about these issues in order to promote healing and understanding.
Once a behavior is learned, constant reinforcement is unnecessary. Once the dog learns to sit on command, you need not give it a treat every time. And once the child has learned to ride the bicycle, there is no need for constant praise. Indeed, it sounds strange to tell a child, “Great job keeping the bicycle upright,” when he has been riding easily for a long time.
But variable reinforcement can be very powerful. This entails reinforcing behavior unpredictably, and not every single time. For instance, if you have taught a dog to jump on command, you may begin only reinforcing the highest jumps. With humans, gambling is the quintessential example of variable reinforcement. You do not know when you will hit the jackpot, but you keep trying because you know eventually a payoff will come.
That being said, I spend a lot of time thinking about reinforcement in human interaction. I am re-reading a book on operant conditioning, the use of reinforcers to shape behavior, and I came across the following text:
From “Don’t Shoot the Dog,” by Karen Pryor
We have all seen people who inexplicably stick with spouses or lovers who mistreat them. Customarily, we think of this as happening to a woman - she falls for someone who is harsh, inconsiderate, selfish, even cruel, and yet she loves him - but it happens to men, too. Everyone knows such people, who, if divorced or otherwise bereft of the nasty one, go right out and find someone else just like him or her.
Are these people, for deep psychological reasons, perpetual victims? Possibly. But may they not also be victims of long duration variable schedules? If you get into a relationship with someone who is fascinating, charming, sexy, fun, and attentive, and gradually the person becomes more disagreeable, even abusive, though still showing you the good side now and then, you will live for those increasingly rare moments when you are getting all those wonderful reinforcers: the fascinating, charming, sexy, and fun attentiveness. And paradoxically from a commonsense viewpoint, though obviously from the training viewpoint, the rarer and more unpredictable those moments become, the more powerful will be their effect as reinforcers, and the longer your basic behavior will be maintained.
I wish I could explain to others, even to myself, why I stayed in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship for far too long. There was some extremely powerful emotional hook that pulled me back into the relationship just when I began to feel I had had enough.
If he had been cruel all the time, it would have been easy to leave. But inconsistently, he was fascinating, charming, and attentive. And so I put up with the cruelty, the lies, the manipulation, and the jealousy in the hopes that next time he would be his old charming self, and I would feel that all was right with the world.
I told him at times that I felt like a dog waiting for table scraps. I would do what he wanted me to do, waiting for him to finally give me the attention that I wanted from him. It was a difficult and very painful relationship.
Sadly, so many of the women in my life have experienced emotionally (and even physically) abusive relationships. But we are so overcome with shame and guilt over having “let” a guy treat us poorly that we do not talk about it. Most people would have no idea that these women had suffered so at the hands of someone cruel and abusive, because we hide our experiences out of shame that there is something wrong with us. It is unfortunate that our society is so quick to judge these women, labeling them perpetual victims or martyrs. And some of them may be, but most of them are strong, intelligent, compassionate women who are looking for the best in others. And they are stuck in the powerful hook of variable reinforcement.
I do not mean to make abusive relationships sound trite or like a cold, unemotional psychological process. There are many issues involved: identity, societal expectations about roles, childhood trauma, grief, brokenness, self-esteem, and so on. It is tragic to me that so many of us suffer in silence and shame rather than dialoguing about these issues in order to promote healing and understanding.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
For the Guys
Some of my male readers began to give me strange looks after my last post, and I certainly do not want the other half of the population to feel neglected. Guys, here are some first date suggestions for you. Your feedback is welcome and appreciated.
1. Be confident: Women are very attracted to confident (not cocky) men. If you struggle with self-esteem, get some counseling. Learn your strengths. You are unique and have a lot to offer. Your problem is not so much your shortcomings (everyone has them) as your lack of confidence in your strengths.
2. Pursue her: Make the first move. Then allow her a counter-move. Do not wait for her to show interest in you before you pursue her. Yes, this is more risky for you because you may be rejected, but you are a man, and women love when a man is willing to take a risk that protects her heart. Once you ask her out, allow her the option of saying yes or no. If she says no, respect her boundaries. Do not try to act like her friend and wait around until she changes her mind. You will be relegated to the dreaded friend zone in her eyes. And she will end up feeling obligated and resentful because you are acting like her friend when you really want something else. Trust me, this will never get you the girl. Move on to someone who is into you. If she says yes, then it is up to you to make the next move again.
3. Take her somewhere unique: No girl gets excited about going to Chili's on a first date. Dinner dates are cliche, and many women will be highly impressed if you come up with a more unusual date idea: the art museum, trivia, botanical gardens, or a concert. Planning these sorts of dates shows that you are willing to put in effort and that you want her to feel special. Though dinner is not my personal preference for a first date, going out to dinner is fine as long as you select a restaurant with character and originality.
4. Offer two options: You want to appear confident and assertive, yet you want her to feel that you care about her interests and opinions. When you offer two options, you are able to exhibit both decisiveness and concern for her. Come up with two date ideas, and offer her a choice: "comedy or drama?" will let you know what type of movie she likes. Have two picked out before you ask, or you will end up asking her more questions and thereby appear indecisive. If you've picked out two lovely restaurants, ask her if she prefers "Thai or Parisian?" Offer her two days of the week: "Are you free on Thursday or Saturday?"
5. Do not feed her lines: Women can smell insincerity a mile away, though we are often too gracious to call you on it. Be advised that we will share it with our girlfriends via phone or text the minute we go to the restroom to "freshen up." Be genuine and compliment her if you like, as women appreciate encouragement, but if you give all women the same cheesy pick up lines ("Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"), she may pretend to be flattered, but she will see right through your pretense and lose respect for you. Specific compliments ("I love that dress on you. The blue really makes your eyes sparkle.") are better than general ones ("You look nice.").
6. Physical touch: Guys have asked me if they should kiss a girl on a first date. You want her to know you are interested (again, avoid the repugnant friend zone), yet you do not want to come on too strong. Some women will be more forward than others. I recommend using physical touch in other ways on a first date: touch her back, her shoulder, or hold her hand. Protect her heart by waiting to kiss her until you are sure you want to date her for a while. A kiss to a woman means emotional involvement, so try to respect that fact. If it feels right, go for it, but just remember that kissing means something different to a woman than it does to a man. My Christian readers will have a different take on this issue than my non-Christian readers.
7. Do not go after a woman who is involved with another guy: It sounds self-evident, but I see it all the time. Guys get interested in a woman who is involved with a jerk, and they think they can rescue her. All you will do by befriending her is become her friend. By pursuing her, you will make her feel suffocated and disrespected. She is not available for you, so leave her alone.
8. Call her: If you are interested in her after your date, call her within a couple of days. Do not wait for her to pursue you. Be a man and pick up the phone. By doing so, you are exhibiting confidence, decisiveness, assertiveness, and respect. These are all qualities that women find very attractive.
9. Do not later ask her for information about her single friends: If it does not work out between the two of you, do not ask her if her dark-haired friend is single. Surely you can meet women in other ways, or at the least, find out from another source if said femme is unattached. I know it sounds obvious, but this happened to me recently. It just makes you come across as immature.
Good luck with your love life. Let me know how it goes.
1. Be confident: Women are very attracted to confident (not cocky) men. If you struggle with self-esteem, get some counseling. Learn your strengths. You are unique and have a lot to offer. Your problem is not so much your shortcomings (everyone has them) as your lack of confidence in your strengths.
2. Pursue her: Make the first move. Then allow her a counter-move. Do not wait for her to show interest in you before you pursue her. Yes, this is more risky for you because you may be rejected, but you are a man, and women love when a man is willing to take a risk that protects her heart. Once you ask her out, allow her the option of saying yes or no. If she says no, respect her boundaries. Do not try to act like her friend and wait around until she changes her mind. You will be relegated to the dreaded friend zone in her eyes. And she will end up feeling obligated and resentful because you are acting like her friend when you really want something else. Trust me, this will never get you the girl. Move on to someone who is into you. If she says yes, then it is up to you to make the next move again.
3. Take her somewhere unique: No girl gets excited about going to Chili's on a first date. Dinner dates are cliche, and many women will be highly impressed if you come up with a more unusual date idea: the art museum, trivia, botanical gardens, or a concert. Planning these sorts of dates shows that you are willing to put in effort and that you want her to feel special. Though dinner is not my personal preference for a first date, going out to dinner is fine as long as you select a restaurant with character and originality.
4. Offer two options: You want to appear confident and assertive, yet you want her to feel that you care about her interests and opinions. When you offer two options, you are able to exhibit both decisiveness and concern for her. Come up with two date ideas, and offer her a choice: "comedy or drama?" will let you know what type of movie she likes. Have two picked out before you ask, or you will end up asking her more questions and thereby appear indecisive. If you've picked out two lovely restaurants, ask her if she prefers "Thai or Parisian?" Offer her two days of the week: "Are you free on Thursday or Saturday?"
5. Do not feed her lines: Women can smell insincerity a mile away, though we are often too gracious to call you on it. Be advised that we will share it with our girlfriends via phone or text the minute we go to the restroom to "freshen up." Be genuine and compliment her if you like, as women appreciate encouragement, but if you give all women the same cheesy pick up lines ("Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"), she may pretend to be flattered, but she will see right through your pretense and lose respect for you. Specific compliments ("I love that dress on you. The blue really makes your eyes sparkle.") are better than general ones ("You look nice.").
6. Physical touch: Guys have asked me if they should kiss a girl on a first date. You want her to know you are interested (again, avoid the repugnant friend zone), yet you do not want to come on too strong. Some women will be more forward than others. I recommend using physical touch in other ways on a first date: touch her back, her shoulder, or hold her hand. Protect her heart by waiting to kiss her until you are sure you want to date her for a while. A kiss to a woman means emotional involvement, so try to respect that fact. If it feels right, go for it, but just remember that kissing means something different to a woman than it does to a man. My Christian readers will have a different take on this issue than my non-Christian readers.
7. Do not go after a woman who is involved with another guy: It sounds self-evident, but I see it all the time. Guys get interested in a woman who is involved with a jerk, and they think they can rescue her. All you will do by befriending her is become her friend. By pursuing her, you will make her feel suffocated and disrespected. She is not available for you, so leave her alone.
8. Call her: If you are interested in her after your date, call her within a couple of days. Do not wait for her to pursue you. Be a man and pick up the phone. By doing so, you are exhibiting confidence, decisiveness, assertiveness, and respect. These are all qualities that women find very attractive.
9. Do not later ask her for information about her single friends: If it does not work out between the two of you, do not ask her if her dark-haired friend is single. Surely you can meet women in other ways, or at the least, find out from another source if said femme is unattached. I know it sounds obvious, but this happened to me recently. It just makes you come across as immature.
Good luck with your love life. Let me know how it goes.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
First Date Rules
In a few short days, a dear friend of mine has a first date with a new guy she met online. She says that she hates playing The Game and wants to Just Be Herself, but unfortunately, many women tend to make some basic first date faux pas. I am certainly not a relationship expert, but I have imparted a list of guidelines for my friend that are helpful for first dates.
I do believe you should be authentic. Do not be deliberately elusive or dishonest. However, you do not want to give him all of you on a first date. You want to guard your precious heart from becoming involved too quickly, and you want him to be intrigued by you so that he will want to know you better.
1. Be confident: Let's face it, even the most beautiful women loathe aspects of their appearance. But on a first date, do not say anything self-deprecating. If you are not secure and confident, try pretending that you are. Act as if you believe you are a worthwhile person who feels competent and attractive.
2. Be mysterious: Focus on the present, and do not delve into past relationships, especially relationship failures or who did what to whom. If asked directly, give a brief and casual reply, but keep the focus of the conversation on your life in the present. You want to keep a man curious about you, and you want to guard your heart. When he asks you questions about your inner being, it is tempting to open up to him and spill your whole life story, but once he knows all about you, he will be bored and you will wonder why he never calls again. If the relationship progresses, you will have plenty of time for him to get to know you.
3. Remember you are doing him a favor: This rule goes along with having confidence. Go on the date with a mindset that he gets to experience the pleasure of your company. If you feel like he is doing you a favor by taking you out, you may need to work on your self-esteem a bit. Most women struggle with self-esteem, but most women have many awesome qualities. Focus on those good qualities. He asked you out for a reason.
4. Do not offer your phone number or email unless asked directly: If he does not already have your contact information, do not offer it freely. Make him work for it. The way cognitive dissonance works is that thinking changes to match behavior. If he has to make effort and actively pursue you, he will value you more.
5. End the date first: You want to leave him wanting more, so try to be the one to conclude the date. When the dinner or activity is over, tell him it is time for you to go. You do not have to give a reason or flimsy excuse. It is simply time for the date to end. You may feel like you want to spend five more hours staring into his eyes and telling him your deepest feelings, but again, you want to maintain an air of mystery. Make him work to get to know you. Leave him curious and he will call you again.
6. Do not mention your future with him: At the conclusion of the date, do not say that you will talk to him soon or see him again. These are his lines. If he asks you directly if you would like to go out again, you may say yes if you are interested. Otherwise, you may simply thank him for the date and leave it at that.
7. Do not contact him after the date: Do not follow up with him via email, text, phone call, my space, or facebook. Pursuing you and being the leader of the relationship is his job. Do not take his responsibility away from him. Over the hours and days following the date, you will likely convince yourself to just send him a quick note to thank him and surreptitiously remind him that you exist and are interested, but refrain from it. If he is interested in you, he will contact you.
8. Keep it short: When he does contact you to set up a second date, keep the conversation short, around five minutes long. Again, you will leave him wanting more, and he will pursue you harder. Act pleasant, do not ask him what he has been doing all week (you know you just want to see why he did not call you sooner, but let it go), and let him lead the conversation. If he does not contact you, do not worry or take it personally. Perhaps he has other women or obligations in his life, or maybe he simply is not right for you.
I do believe you should be authentic. Do not be deliberately elusive or dishonest. However, you do not want to give him all of you on a first date. You want to guard your precious heart from becoming involved too quickly, and you want him to be intrigued by you so that he will want to know you better.
1. Be confident: Let's face it, even the most beautiful women loathe aspects of their appearance. But on a first date, do not say anything self-deprecating. If you are not secure and confident, try pretending that you are. Act as if you believe you are a worthwhile person who feels competent and attractive.
2. Be mysterious: Focus on the present, and do not delve into past relationships, especially relationship failures or who did what to whom. If asked directly, give a brief and casual reply, but keep the focus of the conversation on your life in the present. You want to keep a man curious about you, and you want to guard your heart. When he asks you questions about your inner being, it is tempting to open up to him and spill your whole life story, but once he knows all about you, he will be bored and you will wonder why he never calls again. If the relationship progresses, you will have plenty of time for him to get to know you.
3. Remember you are doing him a favor: This rule goes along with having confidence. Go on the date with a mindset that he gets to experience the pleasure of your company. If you feel like he is doing you a favor by taking you out, you may need to work on your self-esteem a bit. Most women struggle with self-esteem, but most women have many awesome qualities. Focus on those good qualities. He asked you out for a reason.
4. Do not offer your phone number or email unless asked directly: If he does not already have your contact information, do not offer it freely. Make him work for it. The way cognitive dissonance works is that thinking changes to match behavior. If he has to make effort and actively pursue you, he will value you more.
5. End the date first: You want to leave him wanting more, so try to be the one to conclude the date. When the dinner or activity is over, tell him it is time for you to go. You do not have to give a reason or flimsy excuse. It is simply time for the date to end. You may feel like you want to spend five more hours staring into his eyes and telling him your deepest feelings, but again, you want to maintain an air of mystery. Make him work to get to know you. Leave him curious and he will call you again.
6. Do not mention your future with him: At the conclusion of the date, do not say that you will talk to him soon or see him again. These are his lines. If he asks you directly if you would like to go out again, you may say yes if you are interested. Otherwise, you may simply thank him for the date and leave it at that.
7. Do not contact him after the date: Do not follow up with him via email, text, phone call, my space, or facebook. Pursuing you and being the leader of the relationship is his job. Do not take his responsibility away from him. Over the hours and days following the date, you will likely convince yourself to just send him a quick note to thank him and surreptitiously remind him that you exist and are interested, but refrain from it. If he is interested in you, he will contact you.
8. Keep it short: When he does contact you to set up a second date, keep the conversation short, around five minutes long. Again, you will leave him wanting more, and he will pursue you harder. Act pleasant, do not ask him what he has been doing all week (you know you just want to see why he did not call you sooner, but let it go), and let him lead the conversation. If he does not contact you, do not worry or take it personally. Perhaps he has other women or obligations in his life, or maybe he simply is not right for you.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Buyer Beware Part II
When I was a teen, I longed for my mom to instill wisdom and advice about dating, cosmetics, fashion, and life. Sadly, she was not able to impart any such advice, likely becuase she simply did not have the knowledge to give. And perhaps I did not know how to articulate my needs to her.
So, my life has been a constant quest of trial and error to figure out what works.
As for dating, romantic relationships are surely my Achilles heel. While I have the ability to discern other people's relational issues with clarity, and while I am highly insightful about others' relationships, I feel inept when it comes to my own. I wonder why the knowledge and self-confidence that serve me so well in other facets of my life seem to fail me when it comes to my own interpersonal (mis)adventures with men.
On the other hand, I have found a few things in life that work. It is not much, but it is something.
1. Women's Ultra Mega Vitamins by GNC: I am a vegetarian, so I like to supplement my diet with extra vitamins. I take one or two vitamins every day, and these are the best I have found. When I switch to another brand, I feel lethargic, and when I switch back to the GNC brand, I feel energetic and healthy. I buy the kind without iron, as it can mess with my digestive system. A bottle of 180 caplets, which lasts 6 months if you take one per day, is $33.
2. Time Wise Age Fighting Moisturizer by Mary Kay: I am very skeptical of more expensive brands, as many of them are not superior to generic brands. I am picky about what I put on my face as I have sensitive skin and tend to break out easily. My old roommate is a Mary Kay sales rep, and while she never pushed the products on me, she does have amazing skin. This lotion makes my skin smooth and soft, and not oily at all. Even though I tend to have dry skin, I choose the combination to oily skin version of this lotion. I did break out a bit during the first week of use, but my roommate told me that any time you switch moisturizers, the impurities in your skin will come out. I have not had any problems since, and I love the way my skin looks and feels. A 3 oz. bottle is $22.
3. Time Wise Firming Eye Cream by Mary Kay: This product is by far the best eye cream I have tried. The skin under my eyes used to be dark and puffy, and I always felt self-conscious about it. Since using this eye cream, I have no puffyness and very little darkness under my eyes. I wish my mom had told me as a teenager to use eye cream every night, as it truly does make a difference, especially when used long-term. I know two women in their forties who have used eye cream since they were teens, and the skin under their eyes looks so youthful and smooth. You are never too young to use moisturizer and eye cream. This product is much higher quality than drugstore brands, yet it is not quite as pricey as what you can buy at Sephora. A 0.5 ounce bottle costs $30.
So, my life has been a constant quest of trial and error to figure out what works.
As for dating, romantic relationships are surely my Achilles heel. While I have the ability to discern other people's relational issues with clarity, and while I am highly insightful about others' relationships, I feel inept when it comes to my own. I wonder why the knowledge and self-confidence that serve me so well in other facets of my life seem to fail me when it comes to my own interpersonal (mis)adventures with men.
On the other hand, I have found a few things in life that work. It is not much, but it is something.
1. Women's Ultra Mega Vitamins by GNC: I am a vegetarian, so I like to supplement my diet with extra vitamins. I take one or two vitamins every day, and these are the best I have found. When I switch to another brand, I feel lethargic, and when I switch back to the GNC brand, I feel energetic and healthy. I buy the kind without iron, as it can mess with my digestive system. A bottle of 180 caplets, which lasts 6 months if you take one per day, is $33.
2. Time Wise Age Fighting Moisturizer by Mary Kay: I am very skeptical of more expensive brands, as many of them are not superior to generic brands. I am picky about what I put on my face as I have sensitive skin and tend to break out easily. My old roommate is a Mary Kay sales rep, and while she never pushed the products on me, she does have amazing skin. This lotion makes my skin smooth and soft, and not oily at all. Even though I tend to have dry skin, I choose the combination to oily skin version of this lotion. I did break out a bit during the first week of use, but my roommate told me that any time you switch moisturizers, the impurities in your skin will come out. I have not had any problems since, and I love the way my skin looks and feels. A 3 oz. bottle is $22.
3. Time Wise Firming Eye Cream by Mary Kay: This product is by far the best eye cream I have tried. The skin under my eyes used to be dark and puffy, and I always felt self-conscious about it. Since using this eye cream, I have no puffyness and very little darkness under my eyes. I wish my mom had told me as a teenager to use eye cream every night, as it truly does make a difference, especially when used long-term. I know two women in their forties who have used eye cream since they were teens, and the skin under their eyes looks so youthful and smooth. You are never too young to use moisturizer and eye cream. This product is much higher quality than drugstore brands, yet it is not quite as pricey as what you can buy at Sephora. A 0.5 ounce bottle costs $30.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I'm Okay When You're Okay
At the tender age of eighteen, as I embarked upon my real life outside my parents’ home, as I was writing an inspired (insipid) essay for my college lit class at a local coffee shop, a charming blue-eyed gentleman engaged me in conversation. He lured me into his world with compliments and attention, and I was hooked. He turned out to be a narcissist, and I was his blossoming codependent better half.
Our relationship became increasingly abusive over the three years that we dated, both physically and psychologically. Like a good codependent, I felt responsible for his fickle moods, I caused his anger, I walked on eggshells around him, I had anxiety attacks worrying about him, I was attracted to his neediness, and I felt I had to give, give, give until I had nothing left. I often felt blindsided, bereft, guilty, lonely, and sick.
As the constant anxiety and abuse eroded what little self-esteem I had to begin with, I sought therapy for what I assumed to be a need for some help with stress management regarding my workload at college. My very patient head shrinker helped me to get a glimpse of reality. With her support, I realized that my problem was not merely an issue of stress caused by difficult course loads, my spirit was being killed by an abusive man.
After years of crying about family of origin issues in psychotherapy, after numerous subsequent failed relationships, and most importantly, after finding the grace and love of Christ Jesus, I healed. I learned who I was, and my codependency nearly vanished.
Perhaps as a result of my past (he can’t still affect me now!), or maybe because of all the feminist literature (hear me roar!) I inhaled in graduate school, I abhor the slightest notion that I may have codependent tendencies now.
In my imagination, I am this independent robot who has perfectly healthy boundaries and easily says no to unreasonable demands. While I respect the thoughts and feelings of others, I do not let them affect me. Everyone is responsible for himself, as am I. I never over-commit myself, I feel totally secure receiving gifts or compliments, I never worry how things will turn out. I certainly never feel victimized or unappreciated.
Alas, those tendencies do rear their ugly heads on occasion.
When I know I am acting with integrity, why do I let others’ reactions bother me? Why do I feel a sense of pride and self-worth when I reach out to help someone who is needy? Why do I let it affect my sense of self when someone is upset with me? Why do I doubt myself? Why would I rather someone else be comfortable than myself? Why do I worry? Why do I try to control circumstances? Why do I trivialize my own thoughts and feelings? Why do I repress my own anger?
I want to feel valued and loved, yet I feel an uneasiness that whispers that I am not deserving of love. Codependency is a shortcut to intimacy, but it is one that is not healthy and therefore does not work long term.
These symptoms reflect a lack of faith in God, the one who loves me unconditionally. It is His reaction alone that matters; it is He who gives me a sense of self-worth. He made me the way I am, and I can rest in His sovereign plan for me without worrying.
Our relationship became increasingly abusive over the three years that we dated, both physically and psychologically. Like a good codependent, I felt responsible for his fickle moods, I caused his anger, I walked on eggshells around him, I had anxiety attacks worrying about him, I was attracted to his neediness, and I felt I had to give, give, give until I had nothing left. I often felt blindsided, bereft, guilty, lonely, and sick.
As the constant anxiety and abuse eroded what little self-esteem I had to begin with, I sought therapy for what I assumed to be a need for some help with stress management regarding my workload at college. My very patient head shrinker helped me to get a glimpse of reality. With her support, I realized that my problem was not merely an issue of stress caused by difficult course loads, my spirit was being killed by an abusive man.
After years of crying about family of origin issues in psychotherapy, after numerous subsequent failed relationships, and most importantly, after finding the grace and love of Christ Jesus, I healed. I learned who I was, and my codependency nearly vanished.
Perhaps as a result of my past (he can’t still affect me now!), or maybe because of all the feminist literature (hear me roar!) I inhaled in graduate school, I abhor the slightest notion that I may have codependent tendencies now.
In my imagination, I am this independent robot who has perfectly healthy boundaries and easily says no to unreasonable demands. While I respect the thoughts and feelings of others, I do not let them affect me. Everyone is responsible for himself, as am I. I never over-commit myself, I feel totally secure receiving gifts or compliments, I never worry how things will turn out. I certainly never feel victimized or unappreciated.
Alas, those tendencies do rear their ugly heads on occasion.
When I know I am acting with integrity, why do I let others’ reactions bother me? Why do I feel a sense of pride and self-worth when I reach out to help someone who is needy? Why do I let it affect my sense of self when someone is upset with me? Why do I doubt myself? Why would I rather someone else be comfortable than myself? Why do I worry? Why do I try to control circumstances? Why do I trivialize my own thoughts and feelings? Why do I repress my own anger?
I want to feel valued and loved, yet I feel an uneasiness that whispers that I am not deserving of love. Codependency is a shortcut to intimacy, but it is one that is not healthy and therefore does not work long term.
These symptoms reflect a lack of faith in God, the one who loves me unconditionally. It is His reaction alone that matters; it is He who gives me a sense of self-worth. He made me the way I am, and I can rest in His sovereign plan for me without worrying.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
25 Apron Strings
Or 25 Random Things if you want to be like everyone on facebook.
1. I have panic attacks in crowds and congested parking lots
2. I will go to great lengths to avoid these situations
3. I am a perfectionist
4. I do not like television; it does not hold my interest at all
5. I do not like having to write things down
6. I sometimes look in the mirror and don’t think I look like myself
7. Being in love scares me
8. Yet I crave intimacy and love in my life
9. I hate living in suburbia, but I do not know how to leave
10. I wish I had the guts to move somewhere cool like Boulder, CO
11. I feel guilty every time I eat and constantly fear getting fat
12. I love working out and secretly want big muscles
13. I am not good with feelings; I do not know what to do with them or how to express them; this is a great source of frustration for me
14. I feel completely inept in romantic relationships
15. This really bothers me
16. Because I’m typically successful at most ventures in life, but romantic relationships seem to be my Achilles heel
17. The other thing I’m really bad at is finding my way around somewhere I’ve never driven
18. I feel directionally incompetent
19. I detest small talk
20. I prefer my own company to that of others
21. It takes enormous effort for me to interact with people
22. I am annoyed by people who act like they know what they are talking about when they really do not
23. I do not like having to repeat myself
24. I am fascinated by unique individuals who think or act outside of what is socially acceptable or normal
25. Many social conventions are inane and useless anyway
1. I have panic attacks in crowds and congested parking lots
2. I will go to great lengths to avoid these situations
3. I am a perfectionist
4. I do not like television; it does not hold my interest at all
5. I do not like having to write things down
6. I sometimes look in the mirror and don’t think I look like myself
7. Being in love scares me
8. Yet I crave intimacy and love in my life
9. I hate living in suburbia, but I do not know how to leave
10. I wish I had the guts to move somewhere cool like Boulder, CO
11. I feel guilty every time I eat and constantly fear getting fat
12. I love working out and secretly want big muscles
13. I am not good with feelings; I do not know what to do with them or how to express them; this is a great source of frustration for me
14. I feel completely inept in romantic relationships
15. This really bothers me
16. Because I’m typically successful at most ventures in life, but romantic relationships seem to be my Achilles heel
17. The other thing I’m really bad at is finding my way around somewhere I’ve never driven
18. I feel directionally incompetent
19. I detest small talk
20. I prefer my own company to that of others
21. It takes enormous effort for me to interact with people
22. I am annoyed by people who act like they know what they are talking about when they really do not
23. I do not like having to repeat myself
24. I am fascinated by unique individuals who think or act outside of what is socially acceptable or normal
25. Many social conventions are inane and useless anyway
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Scars
I want to know who I am. The real me. I am obsessed with finding out.
This story is partially about a man who partly killed me and would have continued to do so.
I dyed my hair red today. Well, not really. It is a wig. My thinking cap. And I’ve got it on. How I look changes who I am. How I think I look changes who I think I am.
What I thought I wanted was not in actuality what I actually wanted.
The scar on my chin is the result of his fist. As I start to tell the story I can see that it is about the surface of things. Who I am is different with the scar. The chin scar is different than the very deliberate scar in my nostril in which I sport a tiny shiny gemstone.
The year I went to university we met. He did not go to the university but I met him in my home town. How strange that he came over to talk to me at the corner table.
He never wanted to know me. He never wanted to know me but he wanted to own me. I let him.
The more I became what he acted like he wanted me to be, the more he despised me. He loathed a me he never knew nor cared to know.
Every woman I know wears concealer. To prevent disclosure or recognition of.
He began to call me daily. He inserted himself into my life and then he made himself my earth.
I am alien.
I am just as much me with my hair and my scars as I was before but I am different. The scars he left in me grew tissue that is tougher. The issue is not the scar so much as the healing.
He drove me everywhere in his unpainted jeep. He was old enough to have known better. He tried so hard to be better than me. Like in a story he took me to the beach. He took me to the lake. He took me to the movies. He took me to hell.
He often told me I was ugly. I believed his promises without questioning the definition of beauty. He saw through me. He never looked at me.
It was constructive criticism he explained.
Years later he told me he had been an asshole but he never said he was sorry.
I do not know what I thought. He made it known what he thought. His vitriolic lips and the cruel fist.
Lipstick comes in femme and goddess. The tube tells me who I am which today is lovely. They do not make shades called confused or anonymous.
He told me he was better than me but not out loud.
I am writing this story on scraps of paper that I paste together to form a piece of my life which I will then rip into bits.
I always wanted to be someone else. Little did I know that I was indeed someone else or that I could be whoever I wanted to be. If I act as if I am someone else then I am.
I thought I had to be the me that he told me to be.
Psychological health is measured by the correspondence between who you think you are and who you think others think you are.
One of his favorite pastimes was to be real nice to me for a time. Until I would start to believe his lies and his mask would start to appear sincere. I wanted to believe is what I am saying. Then he would take me somewhere I could not escape. The not nice version was also a pretense. That is who he was.
He did it all in the name of love yet he did not like me much. The me he did not know.
I knew that feeling from before him so it was nothing new. Who I was and who I am. Who did he think he was.
The lies he told me I already knew were true.
One time, long after the scar had become invisible from habituation, a girl I worked with stopped me in the hall. I had never spoken to her before. She exclaimed that I should marry so-and-so with whom we worked. Then she told me that so-and-so was looking for the Reese Witherspoon type and my looks did not measure up. At the time I wondered what it said about me. Now I wonder what it said about her. And how did she know my precise insecurity.
A year later I had almost recovered from the girl and I told so-and-so what she had said to me. He and I laughed about it.
Foundation is a basis upon which something else stands. Foundation is what is used to hide the lines and marks on a face. It does not stick to the scar tissue which has no pores. The basis is the mask. Do you see the irony.
Three classes from finishing university and what had I learned. I wish I could say that enough was enough but it probably was not. He would have continued to kill me. One day he came after me and police ensued and that was the end. He did not want a permanent record of what he was.
Life does not always deliver closure. Or happy endings. I am closer to me. I am not who he thought.
The scar on my face will be there until my end.
This story is partially about a man who partly killed me and would have continued to do so.
I dyed my hair red today. Well, not really. It is a wig. My thinking cap. And I’ve got it on. How I look changes who I am. How I think I look changes who I think I am.
What I thought I wanted was not in actuality what I actually wanted.
The scar on my chin is the result of his fist. As I start to tell the story I can see that it is about the surface of things. Who I am is different with the scar. The chin scar is different than the very deliberate scar in my nostril in which I sport a tiny shiny gemstone.
The year I went to university we met. He did not go to the university but I met him in my home town. How strange that he came over to talk to me at the corner table.
He never wanted to know me. He never wanted to know me but he wanted to own me. I let him.
The more I became what he acted like he wanted me to be, the more he despised me. He loathed a me he never knew nor cared to know.
Every woman I know wears concealer. To prevent disclosure or recognition of.
He began to call me daily. He inserted himself into my life and then he made himself my earth.
I am alien.
I am just as much me with my hair and my scars as I was before but I am different. The scars he left in me grew tissue that is tougher. The issue is not the scar so much as the healing.
He drove me everywhere in his unpainted jeep. He was old enough to have known better. He tried so hard to be better than me. Like in a story he took me to the beach. He took me to the lake. He took me to the movies. He took me to hell.
He often told me I was ugly. I believed his promises without questioning the definition of beauty. He saw through me. He never looked at me.
It was constructive criticism he explained.
Years later he told me he had been an asshole but he never said he was sorry.
I do not know what I thought. He made it known what he thought. His vitriolic lips and the cruel fist.
Lipstick comes in femme and goddess. The tube tells me who I am which today is lovely. They do not make shades called confused or anonymous.
He told me he was better than me but not out loud.
I am writing this story on scraps of paper that I paste together to form a piece of my life which I will then rip into bits.
I always wanted to be someone else. Little did I know that I was indeed someone else or that I could be whoever I wanted to be. If I act as if I am someone else then I am.
I thought I had to be the me that he told me to be.
Psychological health is measured by the correspondence between who you think you are and who you think others think you are.
One of his favorite pastimes was to be real nice to me for a time. Until I would start to believe his lies and his mask would start to appear sincere. I wanted to believe is what I am saying. Then he would take me somewhere I could not escape. The not nice version was also a pretense. That is who he was.
He did it all in the name of love yet he did not like me much. The me he did not know.
I knew that feeling from before him so it was nothing new. Who I was and who I am. Who did he think he was.
The lies he told me I already knew were true.
One time, long after the scar had become invisible from habituation, a girl I worked with stopped me in the hall. I had never spoken to her before. She exclaimed that I should marry so-and-so with whom we worked. Then she told me that so-and-so was looking for the Reese Witherspoon type and my looks did not measure up. At the time I wondered what it said about me. Now I wonder what it said about her. And how did she know my precise insecurity.
A year later I had almost recovered from the girl and I told so-and-so what she had said to me. He and I laughed about it.
Foundation is a basis upon which something else stands. Foundation is what is used to hide the lines and marks on a face. It does not stick to the scar tissue which has no pores. The basis is the mask. Do you see the irony.
Three classes from finishing university and what had I learned. I wish I could say that enough was enough but it probably was not. He would have continued to kill me. One day he came after me and police ensued and that was the end. He did not want a permanent record of what he was.
Life does not always deliver closure. Or happy endings. I am closer to me. I am not who he thought.
The scar on my face will be there until my end.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Parent Trappings
When I was young, my main goal in life was to NOT be like my parents in any way, shape, or form. Everything they did got on my nerves, especially my mom’s pithy sayings like, “well, life’s not fair,” or “no, you can’t have dessert before dinner.” Bedtime at seven? Ludicrous! Let’s face it, parents are just weird and quirky, and they make no sense. They don’t understand anything about real life or about their children, never mind the shared genetic and environmental material.
In retrospect, my parents weren’t all bad.
One good thing about my mom was that she provided a lot of educational materials and puzzles for me as a young child. I read my first word at the age of three and was reading literature (well, children’s books) by age four. I attribute these accomplishments to my mom’s time reading to me every evening, as well as the provision of intellectually stimulating toys and games (if you could call such lofty items as a stethoscopes and chemistry sets toys!). Of course, if my parents had lobotomized me as a youngster, I would have fit in with normal society more seamlessly. Intelligence is a double-edged sword, kids.
Dad, you paid for glasses and braces, all the normal childhood vaccinations; why not toss in a little zap to the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex?
Still, my mom was weirder and way more annoying than most moms. She was and still is very frugal about certain household items. For instance, plastic baggies and paper towels were rationed out cautiously, only after a four-page application and formal interview were approved. Paper towels, for instance, were absolutely not to be used to wipe up a spill. And if the paper towel was used for a minor issue, it was to be re-folded and placed next to the dispenser for re-use. If a fresh towel was utilized when a partially-used one was sitting right there, an egregious crime had been committed, subject to a lecture at the very least and probable doom.
Worse yet was her whole Gum Rationing Program. To even consider chewing a whole piece of gum was inexcusable. A half piece of gum at a time was not only sufficient but was more than generous.
My mom and I have very different personalities and communication styles. We have struggled to get along. In all seriousness, I never really felt loved by my mom. This fundamental relationship has affected every other friendship and relationship in my life, as well as my own identity and self-image. I carried around a lot of anger and resentment for many years. Depression and anxiety were staples of my existence.
After some false starts and unproductive talks sprinkled among long periods of avoidance and denial, our relationship came to an impasse last Christmas. I’ll spare the gory details, but suffice it to say that her behavior during the most depressing time of the year was a metaphor for our entire history of dysfunction. She really knows how to push my buttons. After all, she was the one who installed them in the first place. I then decided to cut her off for the better part of a year.
After this extended period of estrangement, she randomly showed up at my office one day, Christmas presents in tow (it was late summer by this point). With the power of the Holy Spirit working in both of our hearts, I spilled my guts to her that day in the hot shade of the parking lot. Only by the grace of God, she listened, and it was a profound day, as the anger and resentment have been completely removed from my heart.
We have been able to start afresh in our relationship. This reconciliation will pervade every other relationship and friendship I have.
As I write this, I ever-so-carefully tear a fresh stick of gum in half, placing one piece on my tongue as I carefully place the wrapped other half back in the pack. I just can’t stand to chew a whole stick of gum at once.
In retrospect, my parents weren’t all bad.
One good thing about my mom was that she provided a lot of educational materials and puzzles for me as a young child. I read my first word at the age of three and was reading literature (well, children’s books) by age four. I attribute these accomplishments to my mom’s time reading to me every evening, as well as the provision of intellectually stimulating toys and games (if you could call such lofty items as a stethoscopes and chemistry sets toys!). Of course, if my parents had lobotomized me as a youngster, I would have fit in with normal society more seamlessly. Intelligence is a double-edged sword, kids.
Dad, you paid for glasses and braces, all the normal childhood vaccinations; why not toss in a little zap to the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex?
Still, my mom was weirder and way more annoying than most moms. She was and still is very frugal about certain household items. For instance, plastic baggies and paper towels were rationed out cautiously, only after a four-page application and formal interview were approved. Paper towels, for instance, were absolutely not to be used to wipe up a spill. And if the paper towel was used for a minor issue, it was to be re-folded and placed next to the dispenser for re-use. If a fresh towel was utilized when a partially-used one was sitting right there, an egregious crime had been committed, subject to a lecture at the very least and probable doom.
Worse yet was her whole Gum Rationing Program. To even consider chewing a whole piece of gum was inexcusable. A half piece of gum at a time was not only sufficient but was more than generous.
My mom and I have very different personalities and communication styles. We have struggled to get along. In all seriousness, I never really felt loved by my mom. This fundamental relationship has affected every other friendship and relationship in my life, as well as my own identity and self-image. I carried around a lot of anger and resentment for many years. Depression and anxiety were staples of my existence.
After some false starts and unproductive talks sprinkled among long periods of avoidance and denial, our relationship came to an impasse last Christmas. I’ll spare the gory details, but suffice it to say that her behavior during the most depressing time of the year was a metaphor for our entire history of dysfunction. She really knows how to push my buttons. After all, she was the one who installed them in the first place. I then decided to cut her off for the better part of a year.
After this extended period of estrangement, she randomly showed up at my office one day, Christmas presents in tow (it was late summer by this point). With the power of the Holy Spirit working in both of our hearts, I spilled my guts to her that day in the hot shade of the parking lot. Only by the grace of God, she listened, and it was a profound day, as the anger and resentment have been completely removed from my heart.
We have been able to start afresh in our relationship. This reconciliation will pervade every other relationship and friendship I have.
As I write this, I ever-so-carefully tear a fresh stick of gum in half, placing one piece on my tongue as I carefully place the wrapped other half back in the pack. I just can’t stand to chew a whole stick of gum at once.
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