Overanalyzing

I had lunch with my friend Jessica* a few days ago, and of course we discussed relationships (two women across a lunch table, come on). I filled her in on my recent romantic relationship ups and downs, and I mentioned the ambivalence I usually feel in relationships and how I tend to over-analyze them (thinking that if I can just analyze them enough, they will somehow work out). I have a hard time giving it to God and trusting that He is in control, and He is there for me regardless of the outcome.

Jessica helped me to see that much of my uneasiness in dating relationships is a result of deep-rooted self-worth issues, which ultimately is a lack of faith in God.

Jessica remarked that it seemed like my faith was very strong, at least compared with many of the people in her life (to me, my faith seems so weak!). She asked why I have so little trust in God in romantic relationships, yet I seem to have much more trust in Him to see me through other situations, like finances, career, friendships, or other struggles.

After processing her question for a bit, I realized that deep down, I do not feel worthy of a loving, healthy relationship. I do not believe that someone could want to marry me or spend his life with me. I suppose this is a result of my upbringing and mistreatment in past relationships. And I do not believe that God would really bring me someone who could love me so deeply (likely because I do not fully believe that He loves me so deeply).

When Ryan*, my current boyfriend, makes statements that affirm how much he likes me, wants to spend time with me, and sees a future with me, it’s like two seconds later those statements are out of my head. It is as if I cannot at all internalize the fact that he likes me and cares for me. This is so frustrating because I feel like I can never relax, I try to keep him at arms length “just in case,” and I constantly question the relationship.

I constantly want to fall back on my performance. I have read 348,489 books on dating and relationships, and I want to follow every single piece of advice in those books, as if it is my performance that will determine whether a relationship will “work” or fail, as if my performance determines my self-worth. Hmm, this idea sounds a lot like my relationship with God. I constantly find myself trying to “do good” to earn God’s favor rather than relying on His strength and living the gospel, that Jesus did it all, and nothing I can do will earn God’s favor. He loves me because of the work that Jesus Christ already did for me on the cross.

As an INTJ, I am constantly attempting to achieve mastery. But relationships are messy, and I will never do them perfectly. However, I am constantly striving to do so (in my own strength, of course, neglecting to rely on God).

At least I am not alone, as there are fellow INTJs on the intjforum writing about similar relationship struggles:

- By nature INTJs can be demanding in their expectations, and they approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result INTJs may not always respond to a spontaneous infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria.

- Wishing to control nature, the INTJ "scientist" probably has more difficulty than all other types in making up his or her mind in mate selection.

- Even mate selection must be done in a scientific way. It may well be that the narratives, plays, and films impugning the "rational and objective" approach to mating have as their target our thorough-going scientist INTJ.

- Courtship is a special problem for Masterminds, since they regard the selection of a proper mate as a rational process, a matter of finding someone who correlates highly with their mental list of physical and intellectual requirements.

-INTJs tend to be confident in their choices / decisions / assumptions but doubt themselves.

I am thankful to know that I am not alone.

I am not sure what God is doing, but lately He has brought a lot of my ex-boyfriends back into my life. These are guys that I do not contact, except Johnny, who calls me a couple of times a year.
1. James*: We dated for 3 years when I was in college, and we broke up because he was emotionally and phyically abusive, and I was extremely codependent. I have seen him one time, briefly, in over ten years, but I ran into him at the gym yesterday. He remarked what a great catch I am, how I’m the best woman he’s ever dated.
2. Johnny*: We dated for 2 years when I was in my early 20s, and the relationship ended because he is an alcoholic (in denial). He said we weren't a great fit because I didn't like to party as much as he did (true). His alcoholism and my inexperience and low self-esteem got in the way of healthy communication, so we grew apart. As I said a above, we do talk a few times a year, but he has never expressed any feeling for me beyond friendship in over six years. However, a couple of weeks ago he sent me an email telling me he loves me and would like to get married to me.
3. William*: We dated for about 8 months and broke up not quite a year ago. Our relationship was very emotionally unhealthy; he was emotionally abusive, and while my self-esteem is much better than it was ten years ago, I still have some healing to do. He still obsessively emails me (and would call/text me but I had to change my phone number). He writes how wonderful I am, how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he wants to get back together. I asked him numerous times not to contact me anymore, and five months ago I stopped responding to him at all, but he still emails me. Finally, I had my pastor contact him and tell him to leave me alone, and now William sends my pastor five page emails saying how much he loves me.
4. The Fireman*: We dated for about 2 months recently, and he wrote on his blog just a couple of days ago that he wants to get back together with me as his birthday present (about 2 weeks from now). The Fireman is a great guy, but he's not right for me.

Despite these affirmations of that I must be a “good catch,” and despite Ryan’s words of affirmation in our relationship, why can’t I just believe that I am valuable to someone? Why can’t I simply relax and enjoy dating someone without constantly trying to keep up my walls or give myself an “out”? Why do I have to over-analyze everything? Is it that I have not yet met the right guy? Or is it my lack of faith? Certainly none of the guys I mentioned above would have been right for me.

Why is it that I have so much self-confidence in almost every other area of my life, but when it comes to dating or backing into parking spaces, I feel completely inept?

The positive part of these struggles is that I am reminded of my need for my Savior. Only He can heal me. Only He can meet my needs. And He will walk me through these issues, just as He has walked me through issues of career, finances, and friendships.

*Names have been changed.

My Abusive Ex Gives Relationship Advice

When I was 18 years old, so about 13 years ago, I met and dated this guy James* for several years, and James was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me. James was a textbook narcissist (exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success/power/brilliance, believes he is special, requires excessive admiration, sense of entitlement, takes advangage of others, lacks empathy, is envious of others, and displays arrogant or haughty behavior). I was young and lacked any semblance of self-esteem whatsoever, and I fell for his charm at first. The relationship ended when we finally broke up and he began stalking me. I called the police, who confronted him, and thankfully I never heard from him again.

Until today. (Actually, I had a very brief encounter with him about 3 years ago, but nothing came of it). So I see him at the gym, and it was somewhat surreal. I mean, this is a guy who treated me horribly, he was beyond cruel to me. I've been through a lot of counseling, and he has no power over me anymore. I do not ever think of him.

He followed me around the gym for at least 40 minutes, talking to me as I worked out. I made little eye contact and barely acknowledged what he said, but he kept talking as if I cared (exaggerated sense of self-importance). He barely asked anything about my life, which is fine with me. He eventually asked if I am married (no). He then asked if I wanted to go out with him, as if he has erased the fact that our last encounter - essentially the police telling him to stay away from me or he would get locked up - from his mind (I'm sure in his mind we had a great relationship, he probably saw himself as a stellar boyfriend).

The conversation went something like this, because I kept walking away from him to rehydrate at the water fountain:
James: You need to carry around a water bottle.
Me: I don’t like baggage. And yes, I mean that as a double entendre.
James: So would you want to go out with me since you’re not married.
Me: Oh, I have a boyfriend.

I told James that I have a boyfriend (true), not that I would have gone out with him anyway (ugh). James asked what my boyfriend (Ryan*) did for a living, and told him, and I talked about how awesome Ryan is and how much I like him.

James asked me if I thought I was going to marry Ryan, and I replied that I don't know. James also asked if I love my boyfriend, and I replied that I haven't been dating him long enough to be in love with him. I don't fall in love easily, I said.

James said that everyone he knows who is married "just knew" right away that their date would be their future spouse. He essentially told me that because I am unsure, that Ryan is not the right guy for me.

All of this bothers me on some level. I told Ryan about it, and he makes a good point. James is 40 years old, never married, has gone on one date in the past five years (according to him), and is clearly VERY lonely. Why am I even the least bit concerned what he says about relationships? And Ryan remarked that very few people, if any, are 100% sure.

Side note: How is it that narcissists, with their utter lack of true empathy, nonetheless know exactly where our vulnerabilities are? They know just where to drive the dagger in to knock us off balance so that we doubt ourselves. They are overtly building us up ("you are a great catch," he said, "you are in very good shape") but they are subtly tearing us down.

Yet in a general sense, apart from the comments that James made, I often feel ambivalent in relationships, and this uncertainty causes a lot of anguish for me. I am an INTJ, and I like things decided. It is very challenging for me to just enjoy the process without having some sense of the outcome. I often wonder if anyone will be right enough for me, if I will always feel ambivalent because of my over-analysis. Or if I simply haven't met the right guy.

In any event, James said he's moving out of the country in two days, so that case is closed in my book. As for finding The One, I am trusting in God. He will let me know what I need to know in His timing.

*Names have been changed

My Pet INTP

My new intrigue, Ryan* (who reads this blog and now occasionally refers to himself in the third person as Ryan, which pleases me to no end), is a Myers-Briggs personality type INTP, and seeing as how his personality is quite similar to mine as an INTJ, I am interested in his inner being and how it contributes to our interactions together. He is both dominant and very affectionate. He is up front and honest about his life and wants me to be a part of it, yet he does not really let me into his inner being. He is very independent and I am surprised when he says, “I wish I could see you all the time. I wish you lived with me.”

I have two other male friends who are INTP personality types, and while they are each unique, they definitely remind me of one another.

Incidentally, if you want to know your Myers-Briggs personality, you can find out by taking this online test.

So what is an INTP? And how do they relate to INTJ?

- INTP likes to exert dominance, and they like to be right. They do not take things at face value and often find the weakness in another’s statement or argument. They will tend to correct others if the shade of meaning is off. I am confident that an INTP will refute this point.

- INTP is not naturally tuned into other’s feelings. Their feeling function is the least developed of all four functions, with their thinking function taking the lead. Therefore, they do not naturally share their inner feelings, nor do they realize quite when another’s feelings may be hurt (even an INTJ, who is also said to have no feelings and rarely takes things personally).

- They are not naturally well-equipped to meet the emotional needs of others because they do not understand the (logical) relevance of taking subjective emotions into consideration. They do not mean to be this way and often to not realize how insensitive they come across.

- They hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves worthy of hearing the INTPs thoughts.

- INTP tends to be very faithful and loyal in relationships and has no interest in playing games. They will often call out another person’s misbehavior if tested.

- INTJ and INTP tend to “get” each other and communicate well. INTP tends to get bored easily, but will not easily be bored by the complex INTJ. Generally speaking, INTJ and INTP tend to be intellectual equals.

- Both INTJ and INTP highly value knowledge, analyze everything, and constantly imagine how things could be improved. The difference is that the INTP often abandons a project after the dreaming/planning stage, as it is already “completed” in their minds once they have imagined it. They prefer to leave the implementation to others. An INTJ is more likely to see a project to its perfect completion.

- INTP and INTJ are both highly independent, original, and complex.

- INTP has a rich and complex inner life but relatively simple and uncomplicated external life. Both INTP and INTJ can have trouble reconciling their rich and imaginative inner worlds with the actuality of external circumstances.

- Both INTP and INTJ are rare types, each comprising only 1-2% of the population. They both believe themselves (correctly so) to be special.

- INTP likes to analyze things they do not understand (like the complexity of an INTJ) and are bored by things that are too simple or easily understood. The INTJ also analyzes everything, but the difference is that the INTJ strives for mastery and proficiency, whereas the INTP is satisfied with simply analyzing.

- Both INTP and INTJ will tell themselves that they are detached, but they might be more attached (or at least drawn) to each other than they are willing to admit.

- INTJ and INTP have a natural ability to fundamentally understand and respect one another (rare for both types to find this level of respect and understanding with others).

*not his real name

Introverted Intuitives

What follows is a humorous but accurate metaphor comparing introverted intuitive personality types.

INTP - warm and fuzzy on the outside and cold and hard on the inside
INFJ - cold and hard on the outside and warm and fuzzy on the inside
INFP - warm and fuzzy inside and out
INTJ - cold and hard inside and out

Rational Emotions

I tend to make decisions based on logic and reasoning, rather than on feelings and a desire for harmony. I think in very rational, intellectual terms. I approach situations asking the question, "Does it make sense?"

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test measures four dichotomies. One of those dichotomies is a pair of judging, or decision-making, functions: thinking and feeling. The thinking and feeling functions influence how we make decisions. Those who prefer thinking tend to decide things based on logic, reason, causal relationships, and consistency. Those who prefer feeling tend to come to decisions by empathizing with the situation, and attempting to achieve the greatest level of harmony and consensus. Everyone has both thinking and feeling functions to some extent, but the question is which function is more dominant.

My Myers-Briggs type is INTJ (introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging), and being a thinker, I tend to make decisions based on logic. I think objectively, and I weigh the pros and cons when making a decision. I often check my motives so as not to make a decision based unfairly on some emotionally weighted issue.

My friends know that I can be very empathic and understanding. While I do not have the natural empathy that a feeler has, I am able to logically conclude how someone may be feeling based on similar situations I have experienced. In addition, my intuitive function enables me to be sensitive to non-verbal forms of communication, which increases my sensitivity towards others’ emotional state. Having such an internal personality, I feel things deeply, and I can understand those feelings in other people. And I have learned how to be compassionate and understanding by listening to my friends and asking what they need. Finally, as everyone has both feeling and thinking functions to some extent, I have a fairly well-developed feeling function, particularly in comparison to other INTJs.

While I can easily appreciate emotions in other people, my bent toward intellectual analysis creates a lot of cognitive dissonance when I experience emotions myself. Cognitive dissonance is a feeling of discomfort created when a person has two conflicting ideas, feelings, or beliefs. For instance, if a woman is staunchly pro-life and then a dear friend has an abortion, the woman may feel very conflicted over how to best support her friend.

Because my analytical thinking is so strong, I tend to have the belief that my emotions are not valid, especially when my emotions conflict with what I rationally believe to be true. For instance, if I experience loss, I expect to feel grief and sadness, and that is okay. But if I feel jealous or sad and I cannot pinpoint a logical reason for it, I think that I do not have a right to those emotions. Paradoxically, I often reassure friends that their emotions are totally valid, and I speak truthfully; yet, at times I do not have patience with my own emotional reactions. We are our own worst critics, and it is very hard to be gentle with myself when I have emotions that I cannot rationally explain.

A related struggle for me is that at times it takes me awhile to figure out how I feel about something. This is frustrating to feelers, who are more in tune with how they are feeling, and especially to extraverted feelers who tend to process their feelings externally. I need to process through an event or situation internally and understand it before I can access and understand the related emotion. Again, this processing time is especially important when my emotions do not match the logic. It is very stressful for me to be pressured into discussing how I feel before I have time to process it, as I may not really understand how I feel.

God has brought me a long way in learning about myself and growing in my areas of weakness, as well as in my strengths. As I place myself in His hands, I have faith that He will continue to grow and sanctify me. I trust that He has given me my unique personality for a reason, for His ultimate glory. I struggle with my emotional reactions to experiences. But if you need someone to help you see things objectively, I've got your back.

My Pet INTJ

I am extremely fascinated with personality theory, and my Myers-Briggs personality profile is introverted, intuitive, thinking, and judging (INTJ). It is important to understand oneself and others in order to better communicate and so that we can learn to appreciate our differences in strengths.

You can learn your personality type in about 15 minutes by taking a quiz at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp.

Here is some basic information about INTJs, based on information from several websites, books, and my own experience.

1. INTJs know everything. We know what we know, and we know what we don’t know. In other words, we are aware of what knowledge we have as well as the areas in which we do not have expertise. This helps us to be self-confident, as we are aware of our strengths and weaknesses.

2. INTJs are perfectionists, and we are constantly looking for ways to improve existing systems.

3. INTJs love analyzing systems, whether it be systems of data, individual people, or organizations or groups of people.

4. INTJs are extremely independent, the most highly independent of all the personality types, and tend to be free from the constraints of authority and convention for their own sake.

5. Respect is extremely important to an INTJ, and others gain or lose our respect based on their behaviors and thoughts, rather than merely their rank or title. Authority figures and celebrities have no power, per se, but must earn our respect.

6. INTJs have a difficult time with social convention. We detest small talk and do not understand social rituals. We can come across as socially awkward at times. Small talk is boring to us, as it is competing with the intriguing voices in our heads.

7. INTJs are very private, and we process things internally. If we open up to you, we trust and respect you a great deal. We live inside our heads and have rich, imaginative inner lives.

8. INTJs are highly intuitive and are thus able to empathize with others.

9. INTJs love generating ideas and possibilities.

10. INTJs make up only 1-2% of the population.

11. INTJs want things to make sense. We want to be able to logically and rationally understand things, which may be elusive in interpersonal interactions.

12. INTJs make a lot of associations in their minds. One comment can lead to several rapid associations in succession, leading us to blurt out a response that seems (on the surface) to have nothing to do with the original comment, when in actuality, there was a complex line of thinking involved.

13. INTJs are immune to a lot of sales pitches because we are very skeptical. We do not get caught up in the emotional hype of marketing.

What is friendship?

Friendship Application

Due to the high number of applicants for this position, I will not be able to respond personally to each application. If an applicant is chosen to be my friend, he/she will be notified within seven to ten business days of the receipt of said applicant’s completed application.

Fill in the blank
1. There is _____in this room/ Above our heads, waiting to _____/ I'm a thinker not a talker/ Put your faith, your faith in _____
2. Clouds _____/ I’m not _____ what you think and dream/ I run into your _____ from across the room
3. Cause my _____ is too slight to hold back all my dark/ This ship went down in sight of _____/ And at the gates does _____ ask to see my _____?

Fill in the blank
4. I like _____ more than television.
5. I do not eat _____.
6. My favorite possession is _____.

Identify the film
7. On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.
8. Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
9. Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the f*ing high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.

About you
10. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?
11. What are your love languages?
12. List the following in order from least favorite to favorite: Kim Kardashian, Oprah, Scooby Doo, C. S. Lewis, Eminem, Jesus, Tori Amos.
13. Rate the following in order of importance: money, books, exercise, friends, prayer, music, current events.
14. How do you feel about small talk?
15. What do you think about sarcasm and/or irony?

Scenarios
16. If you asked me to hang out, and I said no because I wanted some time alone, how would you respond?
17. There are 6 benches in a row, numbered 1 to 6. Bodybuilders (or poseurs) are attempting to bench press on numbers 1 and 5, and the rest of the benches are unoccupied. Which one do you use?
18. If you were my friend, how many times a week would you want to talk on the phone?
19. If you agree to meet someone at 7:00 pm, what time would you actually arrive?

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge? __ Yes ___No