Single Again

I’m single again.

And surprisingly, it feels pretty damn good.

The deep longing of my heart is to one day be married. I feel that God designed me for and intends for me to be married. And there are many aspects of dating and relationships that I enjoy. Yet, I have a strong sense that I am exactly where I need to be right now.

I was reading “Let Me Be a Woman,” by Elisabeth Elliot last night, and she wrote in the book, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.” I get frustrated with people who exhort, “Be content in your singleness.” God put a desire on my heart to be married, and I see clear evidence of Him preparing me for a marriage relationship. God wants us to long for what he intends for us and not be merely “content.” But He also wants us to live today. This is the place I am in right now. I long for marriage, but singleness is God’s path for me today, and I will live to the fullest in that.

I have a friend who is involved with Celebrate Recovery, a Christian-based addictions recovery program that is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. She reminded me yesterday to take life one day at a time. And she is right. I get overwhelmed at times thinking about the future. At times, I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of meeting, dating, and marrying my future husband. But God dispenses His grace one day at a time. He gives me exactly what I need for today. And thankfully, this enables me to rely on Him every single day. So today, I trust that I am where I need to be. Single.

The past few weeks, I had been feeling increasingly unsettled with the guy I was dating. I hate to admit it, but I knew he was not right for me, yet I was reluctant to cut it off because I liked his personality. And I did not really want to be alone. I have a great support network of friends, but I enjoy the particular feeling of companionship in a dating relationship. I like having someone to talk to before going to bed. I like knowing someone is thinking about me during the day.

I have been feeling insecure, as well, the past few weeks, much more so than is usual for me. Like anyone, I have some insecurity, but for the most part I am pretty confident and well-adjusted. Now that the relationship is over, suddenly, my confidence is back. When I opened up to my ex about how I was feeling (while we were still dating), he told me that my insecurities were coming from inside me, he denied any part in it, and his words led me to doubt myself. Now that I am out of the relationship, I see that it wasn’t that anything is wrong with me, he just wasn’t right for me. And perhaps, as well, I was reacting to his emotional unavailability.

In my Bible study group today, we discussed Philippians 1 and the importance of fellowship. One of the benefits of having true friends who love us (more specifically in the context of the passage, Christian friends), is that they desire to see us grow and be happier and healthier. If our true friends give us criticism or negative feedback, we can trust that they are saying it out of love because they truly want the best for us.

One of my weaknesses is that in dating relationships, when the guy gives me negative feedback, I want to believe that he is saying it in a loving way because he truly desires that I be a more Godly and better person. However, I think in reality, a lot of times guys say things to me out of their own insecurities and weaknesses. Perhaps they are projecting some of their own insecurities, but whatever the reason, the negative feedback is not said out of a sincere heart. Unfortunately, I have a hard time discerning when this is the case, and I take their comments seriously, which in the case of this most recent relationship, made me question myself and feel some insecurity.

As my pastor David* said, “Don’t date guys in the gym. They are screwed up.”

No, that’s not the quote I meant, although he said that, as well. He also said, “Don’t fall in love with the icing, which consists of personality and physical attraction. We need the cake, the substance, to fill us up. The icing is delicious, but when we eat only the icing, we will end up with a headache.”

If I am really honest with myself, my most recent ex was icing. And I ended up with a headache.

Now that the sugar crash has cleared, I am looking forward to working on myself and becoming more emotionally and spiritually healthy. I am also excited to have the opportunity to look for a man of substance, a man whose heart belongs to God.

One of the best books I have read is “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,” by Peter Scazzero. He avers that spiritual and emotional maturity co-occur. (Side note: My recent ex-boyfriend was not at all spiritually mature, hence, he cannot truly be emotionally mature, either. It is not my intent to be critical of him, as he has many great qualities. But I admit that I conveniently overlooked the spiritual issue because I was attracted to him, and I wanted to date him because he was tasty icing. However, I probably should have known better.) In Scazzero’s book, he has one of the most informative charts I have seen that lists the characteristics of an emotionally healthy person. You can view this chart here. Jesus functioned at 100. He was both perfectly confident and perfectly humble.

For now, I will work on my relationship with God first and foremost. I am also seeing a counselor who can help me grow emotionally and psychologically. Beyond that, it is my aim (with God’s help) to put my trust in God when it comes to relationships. I desire to follow His will for me and not to date someone just because he pursues me or seems attractive. I want to look for the substance, the heart, the cake. I wish to fully and intentionally rely on God to provide what I need, particularly in the arena of dating relationships.

While I do wish to be in a relationship that is headed towards marriage, I am not going to go out and specifically seek to date. Rather, I wish to follow God’s direction. For now, at least, I am discarding my old List of qualities and characteristics to look for in mate, and I am going with my friend Emily’s* list, which I have written about previously.

1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.

Today, I am very thankful for friends who are praying for me and encouraging me. I am thankful for the amazing people that surround me daily. I am thankful for the healing that God has brought into my life. I am thankful that my happiness, joy, peace, and hope comes always and only from Jesus Christ. I thankful that I feel confident in my identity in Christ.

*Names have been changed.

Encouragement and Cake

My pastor, David*, sauntered by my desk today on his way to his office and remarked, “There has been a morose, mournful, murky cloud of melancholy over your head the past two days.” David is extremely intuitive, and very intelligent, and his words always pierce me to my heart. Many times, his words either directly to me or in his sermons bring tears to my eyes. How does he know, I wonder? He is very gifted.

I told him that I needed encouragement. He replied, “Jesus loves you.” True.

But fortunately for me and the people sitting around me trying to get their work done, he didn’t stop there. He gave me the Truth and then he expounded on it, so now I feel smarter and more empowered. Probably just fooling myself.

The words in bold are his.

Discourage means literally “to rob of courage.” The evil one likes to do this to us.

I feel exactly this. I have recently felt so inadequate and weak.

Satan will look for ways to affirm the lies we’ve always believed.

There are lies we’ve believed our whole lives, and Satan will find our weaknesses and use our circumstances and situations in our lives to confirm those lies. I am a perfectionist and some of the lies I have always told myself are that “I am never good enough. I am either perfect or I am a failure. No one will love me because I have so many flaws and my heart is messy.” The evil one is indeed using my current circumstances to affirm these things.

The truth is that I’m always going to be a better me than anyone else, and God doesn’t make mistakes. I am not going to believe that I am worthless or inadequate just because some guy doesn’t call me.

Our default is to rely on our performance. Our nature is to fall back on that, time and time again, but it will never be good enough. This is why we need to rely on the performance of Jesus Christ every day, not our own.

We never get to a place where we stop trying to rely on our performance. We live in a sinful world, and we act in accordance with our fallen nature. That’s why we need Jesus.

I constantly expect myself to have successfully dealt with all my issues and be healed forever, and when issues and insecurities surface, I feel like a failure. I wonder what is wrong with me that I feel so confident and empowered at times, and then feel so uncertain and insecure at other times. I wonder why someone’s words or actions can hurt me so much, when intellectually I know that God is my only and ultimate source of identity and self-worth.

There is not something “wrong with me,” other than the fact that I am human and I live in a sinful world.

I will keep struggling because I live in a fallen world, and my sinful, rebellious nature will always be at war with God’s will for me. I was not created for this world, and that is why it is a struggle to live here. I will constantly fall back on my performance, trying to earn God’s love and favor (or the love and attention of other people). I will continue to fail when I rely on my own strength, and I will be reminded of my need for Jesus.

Our hearts are like leaky containers with holes in the bottom. The Truth (grace, love) leaks out, and we need to constantly fill ourselves up with more Truth (grace, love).

I often feel like I should have it all figured out, once and for all. But I need God’s grace, His Word, His truth, His love, and His people every day.

We should surround ourselves with people who affirm and encourage us.

It is hard to need other people, but the truth is that I do. I am so thankful for the people in my life that affirm and encourage me. I do not need to be around people who are emotionally draining, no matter what the reason. And I do not need to blame myself for their issues

It's okay to be a bitch.

When Satan attacks and tells us lies, we should give him attitude and fight back. I often underestimate the power of the evil one and of spiritual warfare. David says, "You're an INTJ, it shouldn't be hard for you to be a bitch." He really meant it in a loving, encouraging way. Really.

Don't date guys in the gym. They are screwed up.

My dear friend Betty* has noted this, as well.

Don’t fall in love with the icing, which consists of personality and physical attraction. We need the cake, the substance, to fill us up. The icing is delicious, but when we eat only the icing, we will end up with a headache.

Oops. I may have to work on this one.

That guy needs to stop at the front desk on the way out and turn in his man card. Immediately.

In a totally unrelated thread, David has given me tips lately on strengthening my bench press. I mentioned that the other night I did not have a great spotter; the guy complained that his forearms were sore from spotting me. He was kind of young and clearly did not know what he was doing, but my options were limited at the time. David was outraged at the egregious nature of someone's forearms! being sore from spotting. Man card effectively revoked.

*Names have been changed.