Singleness

A fellow blogger, unruly helpmeet, wrote on her blog yesterday, “I just love looking at fridges. The interesting ones, that is. I like to see the artwork, photos, magnets, notes, and doodads. They say so much about a family.”

I am fascinated by the stories and photos that unruly helpmeet shares on her blog, which is her metaphorical and vast fridge. I feel like I am seeing a glimpse at the inner life of a sweet, creative, and authentic family.

My fridge is empty of mementos and photographs, artwork and magnets.

There are times in my generally full and happy life when I am pierced by a rapidly expanding chasm of loneliness. I am 31 years old and never married. I have a roommate, but I rarely see her because of our different schedules. I grew up in a family that was cold and disengaged, with parents who were emotionally neglectful. I never quite felt at home in my own family, and now I have been on my own for 14 years.

What I am saying is that when I walk into my bedroom at night, I am greeted by the sight of a small pile of books lying on the passenger side of the bed. They are my faithful companions.

I so long for something more, yet I am not even sure what more would look like.

I am highly intrigued by unruly helpmeet’s little family and the families and marriages of my close friends. It all seems so normal, yet marriage and family seem so utterly foreign to me.

I spent time with a dear and trusted friend over the weekend, whom I’ll call Betty*. Betty and I have similar personalities, temperaments, family and relational histories, so I feel I can relate to her (and she makes me feel like there is hope for me). Betty is happily married to a wonderfully kind and loving man.

Me: I don’t even know if I want to get married anymore. For a few years after I became a Christian, I had a strong desire to be married, but now I don’t really feel it anymore.
Betty: I think you do want to be married. I can hear it in your voice.
Me (after a pause): What is the benefit of marriage? Is it really worth it?
Betty: Marriage is such a blessing. You get a partnership and you look out for each other.
Me (close to tears): I can’t even fathom what that would be like. It’s like trying to imagine what it would be like to live in a third world country. I have these snapshot images of dirt and huts but really I have no idea.

I feel alien in romantic relationships. I have never met anyone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than be single. I do not know if that means I have not yet met the right guy or if it is some quality inside me. I never feel settled in relationships. I wonder why I feel this way.

I get lonely at times when I am alone and I long for more, yet I feel like a stranger in dating relationships.

I was in love one time, many years ago. We have a mildly strange but enjoyable friendship now; we talk only a couple of times a year. We both have a high degree of respect and admiration for each other.

I am dating someone (who I will call Ryan*) now, with whom I feel a connectedness that I do not typically feel in relationships. He joked with me last week about me pushing people away in relationships, and I said that maybe he was right or maybe not, but that I did not regret the end of any of my prior relationships, as I did not think any of those guys were right for me. He said, “So you’ve never met the right person for you,” and I immediately said, “No.” Of course, I was not thinking about him, and he did not take it personally, but he made a good point in calling me out about my quick and sure negative reply.

I was spending time with Ryan over the weekend, and I was feeling very happy and content, and I thought to ask how his mom was doing. Suddenly, and before I could ask anything, I began crying. I started thinking about his close friendship with his mom, and I felt so envious. I wanted to go to his house and sit on the couch and spend time around his mom and have her give me advice about life and beauty tips and ask me questions about my life and let her make me her famous trail mix.

I then started thinking about my conversation with Betty from the previous evening and how she described her marriage as two people looking out for each other, as a partnership. And I could not hold back the tears.

Ryan is good for me because he gets me, he sees beyond what I allow him to see, and he calls me out on the things he can perceive below the surface. He somehow knew I was crying, though he could not see my face, and he asked why, so I told him, and he held me in his arms and let me cry.

*Names have been changed