Single Again

I’m single again.

And surprisingly, it feels pretty damn good.

The deep longing of my heart is to one day be married. I feel that God designed me for and intends for me to be married. And there are many aspects of dating and relationships that I enjoy. Yet, I have a strong sense that I am exactly where I need to be right now.

I was reading “Let Me Be a Woman,” by Elisabeth Elliot last night, and she wrote in the book, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.” I get frustrated with people who exhort, “Be content in your singleness.” God put a desire on my heart to be married, and I see clear evidence of Him preparing me for a marriage relationship. God wants us to long for what he intends for us and not be merely “content.” But He also wants us to live today. This is the place I am in right now. I long for marriage, but singleness is God’s path for me today, and I will live to the fullest in that.

I have a friend who is involved with Celebrate Recovery, a Christian-based addictions recovery program that is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. She reminded me yesterday to take life one day at a time. And she is right. I get overwhelmed at times thinking about the future. At times, I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of meeting, dating, and marrying my future husband. But God dispenses His grace one day at a time. He gives me exactly what I need for today. And thankfully, this enables me to rely on Him every single day. So today, I trust that I am where I need to be. Single.

The past few weeks, I had been feeling increasingly unsettled with the guy I was dating. I hate to admit it, but I knew he was not right for me, yet I was reluctant to cut it off because I liked his personality. And I did not really want to be alone. I have a great support network of friends, but I enjoy the particular feeling of companionship in a dating relationship. I like having someone to talk to before going to bed. I like knowing someone is thinking about me during the day.

I have been feeling insecure, as well, the past few weeks, much more so than is usual for me. Like anyone, I have some insecurity, but for the most part I am pretty confident and well-adjusted. Now that the relationship is over, suddenly, my confidence is back. When I opened up to my ex about how I was feeling (while we were still dating), he told me that my insecurities were coming from inside me, he denied any part in it, and his words led me to doubt myself. Now that I am out of the relationship, I see that it wasn’t that anything is wrong with me, he just wasn’t right for me. And perhaps, as well, I was reacting to his emotional unavailability.

In my Bible study group today, we discussed Philippians 1 and the importance of fellowship. One of the benefits of having true friends who love us (more specifically in the context of the passage, Christian friends), is that they desire to see us grow and be happier and healthier. If our true friends give us criticism or negative feedback, we can trust that they are saying it out of love because they truly want the best for us.

One of my weaknesses is that in dating relationships, when the guy gives me negative feedback, I want to believe that he is saying it in a loving way because he truly desires that I be a more Godly and better person. However, I think in reality, a lot of times guys say things to me out of their own insecurities and weaknesses. Perhaps they are projecting some of their own insecurities, but whatever the reason, the negative feedback is not said out of a sincere heart. Unfortunately, I have a hard time discerning when this is the case, and I take their comments seriously, which in the case of this most recent relationship, made me question myself and feel some insecurity.

As my pastor David* said, “Don’t date guys in the gym. They are screwed up.”

No, that’s not the quote I meant, although he said that, as well. He also said, “Don’t fall in love with the icing, which consists of personality and physical attraction. We need the cake, the substance, to fill us up. The icing is delicious, but when we eat only the icing, we will end up with a headache.”

If I am really honest with myself, my most recent ex was icing. And I ended up with a headache.

Now that the sugar crash has cleared, I am looking forward to working on myself and becoming more emotionally and spiritually healthy. I am also excited to have the opportunity to look for a man of substance, a man whose heart belongs to God.

One of the best books I have read is “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,” by Peter Scazzero. He avers that spiritual and emotional maturity co-occur. (Side note: My recent ex-boyfriend was not at all spiritually mature, hence, he cannot truly be emotionally mature, either. It is not my intent to be critical of him, as he has many great qualities. But I admit that I conveniently overlooked the spiritual issue because I was attracted to him, and I wanted to date him because he was tasty icing. However, I probably should have known better.) In Scazzero’s book, he has one of the most informative charts I have seen that lists the characteristics of an emotionally healthy person. You can view this chart here. Jesus functioned at 100. He was both perfectly confident and perfectly humble.

For now, I will work on my relationship with God first and foremost. I am also seeing a counselor who can help me grow emotionally and psychologically. Beyond that, it is my aim (with God’s help) to put my trust in God when it comes to relationships. I desire to follow His will for me and not to date someone just because he pursues me or seems attractive. I want to look for the substance, the heart, the cake. I wish to fully and intentionally rely on God to provide what I need, particularly in the arena of dating relationships.

While I do wish to be in a relationship that is headed towards marriage, I am not going to go out and specifically seek to date. Rather, I wish to follow God’s direction. For now, at least, I am discarding my old List of qualities and characteristics to look for in mate, and I am going with my friend Emily’s* list, which I have written about previously.

1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.

Today, I am very thankful for friends who are praying for me and encouraging me. I am thankful for the amazing people that surround me daily. I am thankful for the healing that God has brought into my life. I am thankful that my happiness, joy, peace, and hope comes always and only from Jesus Christ. I thankful that I feel confident in my identity in Christ.

*Names have been changed.

Wellness

I have been pontificating on some ways I can take better care of myself. These are my wellness goals for the upcoming months.

1. Eat more fruit, even if some of it is in the form of fruit juice.
2. Consume more protein by drinking three protein shakes per day to supplement my vegetarian diet.
3. Mix glutamine powder with my post-workout protein shake to aid in recovery and healing.
4. Take iron supplements every day.
5. Supplement my diet with a probiotic every day.
6. Get to bed by 10:30 pm every night.
7. Spend time each day focusing on my identity as Christ’s beloved daughter.
8. Take a day off from the gym each week to rest.
9. Stay away from emotionally unhealthy people.
10. Practice assisted pull ups twice a week until I am able to reach my goal of 10 unassisted pull ups. Ephesians 3:16-19
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

The Dangers of Food

People always ask why I am a vegetarian/vegan. Their first question is often an insightful and intelligent one: “Do you eat chicken and fish?”

To me, this is the most annoying question anyone could pose, yet it is the most common one I get asked. Vegetarian means no meat; since when did chicken and fish classify as non-meat items (unless you are referring to McFish or McChik Nugs, in which case your question is probably a legitimate one)?

I did not gain the so-called Freshman Fifteen when I went to college, but after graduation I began putting on some weight, so I started dabbling with exercise. To educate myself and to maximize my gains, I began reading about fitness and nutrition, and after some research, including reading a book called Food for Life by Neal Barnard, I decided to stop eating meat, primarily for health reasons. Barnard maintains that there are four important food groups: fruit, vegetables, legumes, and grains.

Since then, I have alternated between vegetarian (nothing with a face) and vegan (no animal products). I am also addicted to weight lifting and intense cardiovascular exercise, and yes, I get plenty of protein.

Over the past year or so, I have not consumed dairy or eggs, which means that my primary source of protein intake has been soy: soy yogurt, soy milk, soy protein powder shakes, organic cereal with soy, soy crisps, soybeans, and soy protein bars. I know that some of you have no doubt been frightened by the alleged dangers of soy, but since nothing is safe to eat these days (pesticides on fruit, mercury in fish, genetically modified vegetables, antibiotics and steroids in milk, and trans fat, to name a few), I figured it was the lesser of two (or rather, multiple) evils.

Because I am a perfectionist, and because I am a woman, I am dissatisfied with my body. I am on a constant quest to better myself intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. So, I am making some changes in my diet basically just to see what happens.

I have decided to resume consumption of whey protein, a dairy product, because it supposedly boosts the immune system after intense exercise, it is absorbed more quickly than soy by the muscles after working out, and I will hopefully reduce some of the negative effects of so much soy consumption, such as increased levels of estrogen and water retention. I plan to drastically reduce my soy consumption and replace some of the soy products with rice milk, whey protein bars, and black beans, for instance. I also feel that I eat too much peanut butter, so I am cutting it out of my repertoire for a while.

I enjoy experimenting with my diet and workouts and am curious what the effects will be.

Lights, Camera, Action Figure

One of my life goals is to be an action figure.

I plan to start by appearing here and there as an extra in regular comic books, surreptitiously lurking in the background, glancing over my shoulder in the half-glow of a streetlamp so that only half of my visage is visible.

These random sightings will begin to create some buzz with readers wondering, who is that new chick on the scene? At just the right time, there will be a strategically timed “leak” on the Internet where my alias will be revealed, and people will start to think of themselves as somehow special and “in” because they have “discovered” my “identity.” People will blog about it, mention it on their facebook page as if it is a secret code, and the comic book version of me will have created a small yet respectable alt subculture.

Once I have gained some street cred and name recognition, I will experience my debut, starring in my own one-shot comic book sporting a catchy title like “Kill Your Boyfriend.”

Fans will rave, haters will rant, poseurs will try to emulate me.

After my much-anticipated unveiling, readers will obviously want more. Too bad. I will not appear in any more comic books after that. My face will disappear from comic books forever, leaving only a wistful memory. Someone famous once said that it is better to burn out than fade away.

However, my peeps will miss me and yearn for a relic, something tangible by which they can remember me. The subculture will need merch to bind them together, give them a sense of unity, identity, purpose, and belonging.

At long last, a plastic action figure will emerge on the scene. I will come with poseable appendages, lifelike hair that you can style!, and a plastic M-16 not suitable for children under age 2.

Grownups

Do you remember when you were a teenager and you had these lovely, lofty, half-crazy ambitions about what you wanted to do with your life?

Did you watch the dull sheen in the eyes of the adults around you and wonder how they could just settle for the inane, the mundane, the mediocre? Did you wonder how grownups lost their passion and zeal? Did you wonder why they stopped pursuing the creative outlets they had when they were young, like writing or painting or restoring old cars?

Did you vow that you would never let that happen to you? Did you fear with every cell in your being that you might one day unknowingly trade your gleam for a lackluster existence? Or did you assuage your fears by convincing yourself that your parents and adult acquaintances were aliens, had nothing in common with you, and that is why they sold out and gave up? But you, you were different. You were never going to forget the angst-fueled furor that propelled you to dream big.

Some of you know how I feel about New Years’ Resolutions. But setting personal goals can be a useful venture and can be a staple for achieving growth if you’re into that sort of thing.

If you want to get existential about it, you can ask yourself a series of questions. If you only had one month to live (good health, unlimited finances), what would you do? How would you spend your time if you had one year to live? Five years? What is holding you back from pursuing those goals now? How do you know you don’t just have one year to live?

Blogging about your goals can provide some accountability. The two people who follow your blog can harass you if you do not pursue your aspirations.

• I will learn to skateboard. This means I have to overcome my fear of looking like a tool because I am wearing knee and elbow pads like a second grader whose mom is overprotective and no doubt causing separation issues. I also risk being featured on Scarred or some crappy “reality” show on MTV, whereby I would lose all credibility among my peers.


• I will write a book. I love ideas, theories, and memoirs, but I am not gifted in the area of taking the time and effort to make them into an actual Word document. I fear writers block, not having much to say, and producing something uninspired and dull. I will have to put these fears aside. I think I have to have the book written in my head in its entirety so that when it comes out on my screen, it will be perfectly written (witty, correct grammar, stimulating). I am afraid the publisher will put an ugly cover on it (and you know how people judge a book).


• I will further my education. I need to convince the US Department of Education to loan me $100,000 to pursue a Ph.D. in some esoteric field that will be utterly useless as far as advancing productive society but that will be infinitely fascinating to me, like philosophy, psychology, or theology.

What are your dreams and passions? Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Don’t be afraid of failure or ridicule. Let yourself be/act/look a little strange.

New Year's Resolutions

Did you make a New Year’s Resolution? You are probably doomed to fail anyway, but if you need help setting one, you can let the internet randomly generate one for you.

To all of you who aspire to the number one New Years’ Resolution, I wish you success and good fortune. However, chances are slim to none that you will follow through on losing weight this year.

Your resolution will fail for a number of reasons. “I want to lose weight this year” is a poor goal. It is too nebulous and long range to be effective, and you probably will not accomplish it.

Firstly, you probably did not write down your aspiration, so there is no concrete commitment to keep you accountable. If you did write it down, I bet you did not list a detailed and specific list of mini-goals with time frames for each item. How often are you going to exercise? Where? When? What will you eat? Where? When?

Secondly, are your goals realistic or are you trying some newfangled fad diet that is doomed to fail? Do you really think you can overhaul your diet and exercise regime all at once and make it enjoyable? Can you really maintain 1,200 calories per day for the entire year? I think not. Let’s be realistic.

Third, are your goals measurable? Can you track your progress?

Fourth, what are your priorities? When conflicts arise (e.g. your best gf wants to grab some fast food and then go see a chick flick, but it interferes with your diet and time to exercise), are you going to justify your way out of sticking to your goals? I know you; you’ll cave and think it’s just this one time, this one exception. You need contingency plans and priorities. It’s really not that hard to say to your friends, “No, I don’t want to binge on fast food and then sit on my butt for 2 hours. How about we go for a walk instead?” My personal favorites responses are, “I hate group activities and small talk, so I’ll decline the lunch invite,” or “No, that interferes with my workout, so I’d rather not go.” Be armed with your responses in advance.

Listen to the recovering addicts. One day at a time. Keep it simple. First things first. Easy does it. Stick to your goals when you want to and stick to them when you don’t. No pain no gain.