Adrift

The sermon this weekend was completely apropos. Why is it that nearly every week in church tears spring to my eyes, and of course I never remember to bring a tissue?

Our pastor has been preaching on misplaced confidence. He says that often times when we sin, there is a sin beneath the sin. We can work hard at trying to be better, but there is likely something underlying the sin, for instance a wrong view of ourselves. This is so true for me, as I’m realizing that I still have a faulty view of my self-worth, which is broken on a very deep level. I have come so far (through my relationship with God, counseling, and wonderful female friends), yet I still struggle in this area.

All of us have some degree of misplaced confidence, relying on some idol other than God for our happiness. We rely on our own strength to get through life or to earn God’s favor, rather than living the truth that we are righteous in God’s eyes not because of anything we could do, but because Jesus Christ already did it for us.

The pastor said that if you are a Christian, despite your misplaced confidence, God will not reject you (Just as God did not reject David, despite David’s numerous moral failures and misplaced confidence)!

As I was sitting in church thinking about the pastor’s statements, I realized that I do worry that God will reject me. I am so sinful, and I lack so much faith. I am rebellious and I am weak, and while I truly desire to live God’s will and to be the Godly woman that He longs for me to be, I fall so short.

The good news is that because I fall short of God’s glory, I need His grace. I need Jesus Christ’s death on my behalf. I need the Holy Spirit indwelling in my heart to guide me. I cannot do it on my own.

Yet I often find myself subconsciously believing lies. I worry that God will reject me because I am not perfect. I am far from comprehending God’s grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Note the word “unmerited.” I do not deserve it, yet I get it anyway!

The insecurity I feel in my relationship with God, feeling like he will reject me based on poor or imperfect performance, is the same insecurity I feel in dating relationships. I do not really understand how I can be imperfect yet still lovable, in God’s eyes or in the eyes of a boyfriend. While my perfectionism is advantageous in a lot of areas, as it drives me toward excellence and mastery, which gives me a sense of confidence and self-worth, my perfectionism is also a drawback. It is not as extreme as it used to be, as God has healed me greatly, but I often subconsciously feel like if I am not perfect, I am a failure.

Once again, I have a difficult time grasping God’s grace. Certainly, I am growing in this area, and I understand it more now than I did a few years ago, but I have so far to go in my walk (which, of course, can never be realized in this lifetime).

In dating relationships, I never feel like they will work out. I always find “reasons” why someone is not right for me, which is relatively easy because no one is perfect. I then proceed to doubt myself and feel ambivalent and stressed, overanalyzing everything. Why can’t I just relax and trust God? Is it that I have not met the right person? I am confident that none of the guys I dated in the past were right for me. Yet I still feel that something inside me is broken, that I do not have a right view of relationships.

Do I (deep down) feel like relationships won’t work out because of me (rather than the “reasons” why the guy is not right for me)? I am not perfect, and I do not feel worthy of love, and perhaps I project this onto others. I do not truly believe that God will bring me my heart’s desire.

Yet God tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). He tells me that He will meet all my needs (Philippians 4:19), so that whatever is broken inside me, He will heal in His perfect timing.

I don’t know the answers. I hate that this life is full of so much struggle. I am so frustrated that the thing I long for the most, which is to be married and to have that partnership and friendship and love, seems so unattainable. I hate that I feel so inept at relationships, when God has put such a strong desire on my heart to have them. (Before I became a Christian, I did not care as much about having close friendships or getting married.) I know intellectually that God is with me and that He is walking me through it, but emotionally, I still feel like I am adrift on an ocean of uncertainty.

Kernels of Truth

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” (John 12:24)

I mentioned to some co-workers recently that I have been going through a growth spurt, spiritually and psychologically. I explained that God is revealing new insights, and I am learning more about myself and about His nature, which has improved my relationship with Him. One very Godly and humble woman in the group jokingly asked me, “What’s your secret?” wanting to improve her walk with God. I replied, somewhat sarcastically, “Oh, you know, just your garden variety emotional pain like depression, anxiety, loneliness, and struggle. The usual.” I’m not sure she wanted to utilize those particular tools of spiritual growth.

It is true, though, as we read in John 12, that a seed does not grow unless it first dies. So it is with our human growth; we must go through struggle (fall to the ground) and die to our human sin so that we may produce seeds (grow in our relationship with God) and so that we may become more Christ-like and bear fruit. What is fruit? Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I desire these qualities, these fruits in my life.

While I do not particularly like discomfort and struggle, I relish the growth that occurs as a result. In the same way that I tear down my muscles in the gym by lifting heavy weights, so I struggle with emotional pain in life. And just as my muscles then grow bigger and stronger as they heal from the exertion, so my spirit, my identity, and my emotional health grow as I process through the pain of life’s difficulties.

What is the cause of emotional pain, exactly? It can be a result of my sin, my poor choices, or it can be a result of other people’s sins and bad decisions. Or, it may come from making a wise and righteous decision that just happens to be a difficult choice to make. Life is not for sissies, after all.

I have made some poor relationship decisions over the years, and though I hate to admit it, some of them have caused me a great deal of grief and sadness. Romantic relationships are emotional and painful, but I am logical and analytical, and my rational mind cannot understand why I made poor decisions, like staying in an unhealthy relationship for too long. I know that many people do it, and it is our human nature that contributes to messy relationships, but still, at times I feel that I should have known better.

I have been in two emotionally abusive relationships (one of them was physically abusive, as well), and I still blame myself. It is difficult for me even to write these words, as I feel some sense of shame and responsibility, even though counselors and books and friends tell me that it is not my fault.

Yet God uses these struggles to teach me more about Him and to help me grow in my relationship with Him. As a result of my pain, I can better empathize with my female friends who are struggling in relationships, and I can better appreciate my current boyfriend, who is amazingly wonderful and kind. I can appreciate God’s love for me more deeply, because even though I fall short of His glory, I realize that there is nothing I can do that will make Him love me any less. When I sin or make mistakes, it reminds me that I need Jesus Christ because I cannot do it on my own, and it helps me grow closer to Him. I learn to trust God more in times of struggle, as He eventually brings me out of it. And more of my sin is exposed, which presents and opportunity to grow and learn.

One struggle with sin that is becoming more apparent to me in my life is my battle with self-condemnation. As I wrote above, I often feel like I should have known better. And then I condemn myself for my poor choices. But God tells me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), so I have been meditating a lot on this pearl of wisdom. But that is fodder for another post.

Loneliness

Do you ever look into a person's eyes when (s)he thinks no one is watching? What do you see? At times, I forget that we are all living lives of quiet desperation, and that most of us are simply trying to make it through the day. At times, I feel like I am the only one experiencing the pain of loneliness.

I work at a church, and many times, people are honest about sin as a philosophical concept, but not necessarily open about their sin as an ugly, unctuous reality. We talk about it intellectually, and we can confess our respectable sins, like struggle with lust, tithing, or reading our Bibles, but we do not admit our deep and loathsome struggles. We engage in hypothetical dialogue, but we do not feel safe sharing the lacerations of our heart, the wounds of our humanity.

I have been thinking a lot about loneliness recently. I have struggled with a deep sense of loneliness for a long time, sometimes a dull ache in the back of my throat, and other times a poignant pang in the center my chest.

For quite a while, I have assumed that my loneliness is a sin problem. I know intellectually that God is all I need. If I feel lonely, it is because I do not trust Him enough. I often believe, somewhat subconsciously, that I am feeling lonely because of the choices I make. I seek comfort, control, power, and approval from sources other than God. And as one consequence of those idols, I struggle emotionally. The loneliness I feel is my fault, I think to myself. It is a result of my sinful heart.

But I have been reading “The Path of Loneliness,” by Elisabeth Elliott, and she avers that loneliness and struggle are “gifts” from God. He knows everything about me, and He knows what will happen, and He may allow seasons of struggle and feelings of loneliness for a purpose. Everything I experience is part of the sanctification process. Elliott's words gave me pause, because what I thought was my sin may be God’s gift to me; it may be His bidding.

The loneliness I feel comes from three sources. In a general sense, I feel existential loneliness as a result of The Fall, Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden, where we lost our glory and perfect relationship with God. We all experience what Irvin Yalom calls existential isolation, as no one can know us completely or meet all our needs. More specifically, I feel loneliness as a result of circumstances that I did not choose, such as the lack of emotional connectedness in my family of origin and my general temperament. I also feel loneliness because of my own sinful heart, because of the choices I make and because I do not turn to God to meet my needs. Rather, I take matters into my own hands and try to fix my issues in my own strength, rather than seeking God.

It has occurred to me that the real issue is not so much the loneliness I am feeling, but it is the self-condemnation. I have been condemning myself for my struggles. Why am I so hard on myself? Romans 8:1 tells me that I am free from condemnation. Whether my struggle comes from my own choices or circumstances beyond my control, God forgives me. Completely. I am free.

A friend reminded me that Satan has no power unless God grants it. While I am still responsible for my sin, God allows it and ultimately uses all things for good (Romans 8:28). God gives Satan whatever power he has. For instance, in Job 1:8, it is God who suggests Job to Satan. So even in my transgressions, God is present, orchestrating all things with His mighty hand.

Tim Keller says that humility is not thinking less of oneself, it is thinking of oneself less. I realize now that I have been worrying too much about what I am doing or not doing. I have been self-focused. The condemnation I have felt is about me, not God.

Most likely, my loneliness is a combination both of my own sinful heart and God’s doing. Part of the answer is to focus on God in prayer and petition rather than dwelling within myself. I am unable to do anything in my own strength; it is God who gives me strength, and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (Phil. 4:13).