My Abusive Ex Gives Relationship Advice

When I was 18 years old, so about 13 years ago, I met and dated this guy James* for several years, and James was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me. James was a textbook narcissist (exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success/power/brilliance, believes he is special, requires excessive admiration, sense of entitlement, takes advangage of others, lacks empathy, is envious of others, and displays arrogant or haughty behavior). I was young and lacked any semblance of self-esteem whatsoever, and I fell for his charm at first. The relationship ended when we finally broke up and he began stalking me. I called the police, who confronted him, and thankfully I never heard from him again.

Until today. (Actually, I had a very brief encounter with him about 3 years ago, but nothing came of it). So I see him at the gym, and it was somewhat surreal. I mean, this is a guy who treated me horribly, he was beyond cruel to me. I've been through a lot of counseling, and he has no power over me anymore. I do not ever think of him.

He followed me around the gym for at least 40 minutes, talking to me as I worked out. I made little eye contact and barely acknowledged what he said, but he kept talking as if I cared (exaggerated sense of self-importance). He barely asked anything about my life, which is fine with me. He eventually asked if I am married (no). He then asked if I wanted to go out with him, as if he has erased the fact that our last encounter - essentially the police telling him to stay away from me or he would get locked up - from his mind (I'm sure in his mind we had a great relationship, he probably saw himself as a stellar boyfriend).

The conversation went something like this, because I kept walking away from him to rehydrate at the water fountain:
James: You need to carry around a water bottle.
Me: I don’t like baggage. And yes, I mean that as a double entendre.
James: So would you want to go out with me since you’re not married.
Me: Oh, I have a boyfriend.

I told James that I have a boyfriend (true), not that I would have gone out with him anyway (ugh). James asked what my boyfriend (Ryan*) did for a living, and told him, and I talked about how awesome Ryan is and how much I like him.

James asked me if I thought I was going to marry Ryan, and I replied that I don't know. James also asked if I love my boyfriend, and I replied that I haven't been dating him long enough to be in love with him. I don't fall in love easily, I said.

James said that everyone he knows who is married "just knew" right away that their date would be their future spouse. He essentially told me that because I am unsure, that Ryan is not the right guy for me.

All of this bothers me on some level. I told Ryan about it, and he makes a good point. James is 40 years old, never married, has gone on one date in the past five years (according to him), and is clearly VERY lonely. Why am I even the least bit concerned what he says about relationships? And Ryan remarked that very few people, if any, are 100% sure.

Side note: How is it that narcissists, with their utter lack of true empathy, nonetheless know exactly where our vulnerabilities are? They know just where to drive the dagger in to knock us off balance so that we doubt ourselves. They are overtly building us up ("you are a great catch," he said, "you are in very good shape") but they are subtly tearing us down.

Yet in a general sense, apart from the comments that James made, I often feel ambivalent in relationships, and this uncertainty causes a lot of anguish for me. I am an INTJ, and I like things decided. It is very challenging for me to just enjoy the process without having some sense of the outcome. I often wonder if anyone will be right enough for me, if I will always feel ambivalent because of my over-analysis. Or if I simply haven't met the right guy.

In any event, James said he's moving out of the country in two days, so that case is closed in my book. As for finding The One, I am trusting in God. He will let me know what I need to know in His timing.

*Names have been changed