Adrift

The sermon this weekend was completely apropos. Why is it that nearly every week in church tears spring to my eyes, and of course I never remember to bring a tissue?

Our pastor has been preaching on misplaced confidence. He says that often times when we sin, there is a sin beneath the sin. We can work hard at trying to be better, but there is likely something underlying the sin, for instance a wrong view of ourselves. This is so true for me, as I’m realizing that I still have a faulty view of my self-worth, which is broken on a very deep level. I have come so far (through my relationship with God, counseling, and wonderful female friends), yet I still struggle in this area.

All of us have some degree of misplaced confidence, relying on some idol other than God for our happiness. We rely on our own strength to get through life or to earn God’s favor, rather than living the truth that we are righteous in God’s eyes not because of anything we could do, but because Jesus Christ already did it for us.

The pastor said that if you are a Christian, despite your misplaced confidence, God will not reject you (Just as God did not reject David, despite David’s numerous moral failures and misplaced confidence)!

As I was sitting in church thinking about the pastor’s statements, I realized that I do worry that God will reject me. I am so sinful, and I lack so much faith. I am rebellious and I am weak, and while I truly desire to live God’s will and to be the Godly woman that He longs for me to be, I fall so short.

The good news is that because I fall short of God’s glory, I need His grace. I need Jesus Christ’s death on my behalf. I need the Holy Spirit indwelling in my heart to guide me. I cannot do it on my own.

Yet I often find myself subconsciously believing lies. I worry that God will reject me because I am not perfect. I am far from comprehending God’s grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. Note the word “unmerited.” I do not deserve it, yet I get it anyway!

The insecurity I feel in my relationship with God, feeling like he will reject me based on poor or imperfect performance, is the same insecurity I feel in dating relationships. I do not really understand how I can be imperfect yet still lovable, in God’s eyes or in the eyes of a boyfriend. While my perfectionism is advantageous in a lot of areas, as it drives me toward excellence and mastery, which gives me a sense of confidence and self-worth, my perfectionism is also a drawback. It is not as extreme as it used to be, as God has healed me greatly, but I often subconsciously feel like if I am not perfect, I am a failure.

Once again, I have a difficult time grasping God’s grace. Certainly, I am growing in this area, and I understand it more now than I did a few years ago, but I have so far to go in my walk (which, of course, can never be realized in this lifetime).

In dating relationships, I never feel like they will work out. I always find “reasons” why someone is not right for me, which is relatively easy because no one is perfect. I then proceed to doubt myself and feel ambivalent and stressed, overanalyzing everything. Why can’t I just relax and trust God? Is it that I have not met the right person? I am confident that none of the guys I dated in the past were right for me. Yet I still feel that something inside me is broken, that I do not have a right view of relationships.

Do I (deep down) feel like relationships won’t work out because of me (rather than the “reasons” why the guy is not right for me)? I am not perfect, and I do not feel worthy of love, and perhaps I project this onto others. I do not truly believe that God will bring me my heart’s desire.

Yet God tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). He tells me that He will meet all my needs (Philippians 4:19), so that whatever is broken inside me, He will heal in His perfect timing.

I don’t know the answers. I hate that this life is full of so much struggle. I am so frustrated that the thing I long for the most, which is to be married and to have that partnership and friendship and love, seems so unattainable. I hate that I feel so inept at relationships, when God has put such a strong desire on my heart to have them. (Before I became a Christian, I did not care as much about having close friendships or getting married.) I know intellectually that God is with me and that He is walking me through it, but emotionally, I still feel like I am adrift on an ocean of uncertainty.

Smoke and Mirrors

It seems like everyone around me is falling apart. My friends are depressed, anxious, and struggling with relationships, health, and life in general. A lot of people around me seem very insecure; they discourage others and attempt to create drama. Others are struggling with self-condemnation and feelings of worthlessness. One dear friend has checked herself into treatment for depression. Another friend has had a sick parent, health issues, and relationship issues, one after the other. Someone else told me she sees herself as a failure and suffers from feelings of anxiety and fear. Acquaintances are acting jealous and petty.

With very low humidity in the air, perhaps people’s brains are being affected by the static electricity. Every surface in my house gives me a shock. We are most comfortable in an environment where the relative humidity (the amount of water vapor actually in the air divided by the amount of water vapor the air can hold) is around 45%, and indoor humidity should not go below 30% (or above 50%). Today, the maximum humidity outdoors is only around 35%, and in the house, it has hovered around 30% for the last few weeks. My hair is crazy; it looks like I’m touching a Van de Graaff generator. I need some negative ions.

Incidentally, research shows that high levels of negative ions are a useful treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder if the negative ions are in sufficient quantity. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a subset of depression (chronic sadness, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness) that is experienced seasonally, particularly in winter. Even for those who do not meet the criteria for a diagnosable disorder, the severely cold weather (temperatures in the teens) and limited daylight hours certainly affect people’s moods.

Additionally, people are likely suffering because of Mercury. Mercury is in retrograde, meaning that it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac, and it has been since the day after Christmas (December 26, 2009). It will reach direct station again on January 15, 2010. In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education, and transportation. Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

As Bloc Party sings in their song “Mercury,” “My Mercury's in retrograde / This is not the time, the time to start a new love / This is not the time, the time to sign a lease.”

Snarls in communication abound. The Check Engine light in my car came on last week. Unresolved issues from my past are bubbling to the surface. Mercury is creating mayhem in my life. Wikipedia is not working properly, and I feel out of sorts, because where will I get my information now?

I am struggling with sadness of my own. I cannot even seem to articulate it or understand it. I am sad for my friends who are suffering. I am grieved over experiences from my past. I battle with a loneliness of unknown origin. I know intellectually that there is no reason for me to feel lonely. I feel like I am grieving something that is just beyond my conscious awareness. Like smoke, it dispels elusively.

Sadness

Over the last few days, I have been struck with sudden lightning storms of sadness, of sorrow, unexpectedly and more frequently than usual. At those times, my emotions are close to the surface and I feel like crying. Yet, my life is going amazingly well right now. I feel a sense of joy, peace, and contentment in my heart and spirit that has been very elusive throughout my life, particularly until I became a Christian several years ago.

My spiritual walk is progressing well. I feel very close to God, and my time spent praying and reading the Bible has been rich. I have been gaining a lot of insight and wisdom through people, books, and meditation, which has led to a deeper understanding of God’s love and His faithfulness.

Physically, I have been blessed with health and fortitude. My workouts have been rewarding, and I am getting stronger. I have managed to avoid getting the cold or flu thus far this winter. I am eating healthy, and I feel energetic and happy with my body (at least, as much as is possible for a woman).

I am growing psychologically, and I feel emotionally healthy. I have been self-confident and goal-oriented. And I am, as always, striving for personal growth and increased maturity.

Relationally, I have been so blessed. My friendships are deepening, and my relationship with my mom is happy.

I am so thankful that God has placed so many blessings in my life. And while I do not wish to feel a sense of entitlement to these blessings, I do want to appreciate and enjoy the sweet spot in which God has me.

So why, when I feel happier and more content that I have felt in a long time, do I feel emotional and sensitive? In part, I think it is because on a subconscious level, I don’t really believe that I deserve to be happy or that I deserve good things in my life. I have struggled with depression for most of my life, and particularly before I became a Christian, so just feeling normal was rare. And now that I feel such joy, I do not know how to sit with it and just be.

Additionally, most strong emotions that I have experienced in my life have been sad and lonely ones. So now, when I feel strong positive emotion, my heart does not know how to respond to it. At times lately, I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness and joyfulness, to the point where my eyes well up with tears.

1 Peter 1:7-9

These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.