Family

“I told you that you will be a part of my family,” he said. “This is only the beginning.”

Last night I spent time with my boyfriend Ryan’s* family for the first time (though I have previously met his mom). I enjoyed the evening, the companionship, the affection I witnessed.

But only this morning while sitting in church did I really feel deeply moved by my time with Ryan's kin, as if it took time for it to penetrate down into my soul. I felt tears springing in my eyes on several occasions this morning as I worshipped God and listened to the pastor talk about how Jesus is able to sympathize with all of my suffering, how He pursues me, how He loves me. As I looked around at all the families in the congregation, I began thinking about the meaning and experience of family.

As I have written previously, I feel like I am missing a family. My family of origin is emotionally disengaged, and while we all get along, there is a lack of warmth and tender affectionate love. I became a Christian about four and a half years ago, and over that time, God has brought me into a church community that has become my family. He has brought me several very close female friends, for whom I am enormously thankful. These women are the sisters I never had (I grew up with three awesome brothers). Yet I do not have a real family, those most intimate relations in our human existence. When I leave my workplace or go home after social engagements, I am alone in the house.

For most of my life, I have been basically okay with being alone. I am a strong introvert, and I enjoy my own company. I have a number of hobbies and interests that I pursue. Yet I do feel lonely at times. And very recently, God has opened my eyes (heart?) to a new longing to be part of a family.

I have a yearning to be needed and accepted as part of a family unit.

I had the great privilege of meeting Ryan’s five year old daughter Ella* yesterday, Ella with lovely eyes. Ella immediately treated me as her friend, introduced me to her favorite television show (iCarly), and allowed me to meet all her little companions (ten or twelve teeny Pet Shop bobblehead animals with enormous eyes). She demonstrated her sassy dance moves as we listened to “Party in the USA” eighteen times. And she let me into her imaginary world as we pretended to play video games on her “laptop” (a toy computer).

What I loved about Ella, and what captivates me about most children, is that she had no pretenses. She was authentic and she treated me as a friend without any of the typical social awkwardness and masks that adults use with each other.

It was a real blessing to be invited into Ryan’s family, to be treated as an insider for a few hours, to experience the joy and love that comprise a healthy family.

In Donald Miller’s book, “To Own a Dragon,” Donald is taken in by a husband and wife and their small children to live for several years in their garage apartment. Donald grew up with his mom, sans father or siblings, and like me, missed out on a lot of the experiences of family. Miller writes of his personal and spiritual growth as a young adult as a result of living with and (finally) being a part of a healthy, loving family. I wonder if God wants me to experience some of this family-ness, if maybe He is preparing me somehow.

Our pastor spoke this morning of people who actually walk away from their families.

Deep down, and as a result of my sin nature, I have a faith problem. I lack true faith that God would actually bring me a family, that I could actually be needed and wanted in a family. The concept of being an integral part of a family unit feels strange to me, and it is hard for me to imagine or believe that God could bring that into my life.

I grew up always feeling like an outsider, an alien, in my family, among my peers, around colleagues and classmates. Now I have a glimpse of being an insider in God’s kingdom and amongst my close friends, but I still long to be part of something closer and more intimate than even my cherished circle of friends.

*Names have been changed

Singleness

A fellow blogger, unruly helpmeet, wrote on her blog yesterday, “I just love looking at fridges. The interesting ones, that is. I like to see the artwork, photos, magnets, notes, and doodads. They say so much about a family.”

I am fascinated by the stories and photos that unruly helpmeet shares on her blog, which is her metaphorical and vast fridge. I feel like I am seeing a glimpse at the inner life of a sweet, creative, and authentic family.

My fridge is empty of mementos and photographs, artwork and magnets.

There are times in my generally full and happy life when I am pierced by a rapidly expanding chasm of loneliness. I am 31 years old and never married. I have a roommate, but I rarely see her because of our different schedules. I grew up in a family that was cold and disengaged, with parents who were emotionally neglectful. I never quite felt at home in my own family, and now I have been on my own for 14 years.

What I am saying is that when I walk into my bedroom at night, I am greeted by the sight of a small pile of books lying on the passenger side of the bed. They are my faithful companions.

I so long for something more, yet I am not even sure what more would look like.

I am highly intrigued by unruly helpmeet’s little family and the families and marriages of my close friends. It all seems so normal, yet marriage and family seem so utterly foreign to me.

I spent time with a dear and trusted friend over the weekend, whom I’ll call Betty*. Betty and I have similar personalities, temperaments, family and relational histories, so I feel I can relate to her (and she makes me feel like there is hope for me). Betty is happily married to a wonderfully kind and loving man.

Me: I don’t even know if I want to get married anymore. For a few years after I became a Christian, I had a strong desire to be married, but now I don’t really feel it anymore.
Betty: I think you do want to be married. I can hear it in your voice.
Me (after a pause): What is the benefit of marriage? Is it really worth it?
Betty: Marriage is such a blessing. You get a partnership and you look out for each other.
Me (close to tears): I can’t even fathom what that would be like. It’s like trying to imagine what it would be like to live in a third world country. I have these snapshot images of dirt and huts but really I have no idea.

I feel alien in romantic relationships. I have never met anyone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than be single. I do not know if that means I have not yet met the right guy or if it is some quality inside me. I never feel settled in relationships. I wonder why I feel this way.

I get lonely at times when I am alone and I long for more, yet I feel like a stranger in dating relationships.

I was in love one time, many years ago. We have a mildly strange but enjoyable friendship now; we talk only a couple of times a year. We both have a high degree of respect and admiration for each other.

I am dating someone (who I will call Ryan*) now, with whom I feel a connectedness that I do not typically feel in relationships. He joked with me last week about me pushing people away in relationships, and I said that maybe he was right or maybe not, but that I did not regret the end of any of my prior relationships, as I did not think any of those guys were right for me. He said, “So you’ve never met the right person for you,” and I immediately said, “No.” Of course, I was not thinking about him, and he did not take it personally, but he made a good point in calling me out about my quick and sure negative reply.

I was spending time with Ryan over the weekend, and I was feeling very happy and content, and I thought to ask how his mom was doing. Suddenly, and before I could ask anything, I began crying. I started thinking about his close friendship with his mom, and I felt so envious. I wanted to go to his house and sit on the couch and spend time around his mom and have her give me advice about life and beauty tips and ask me questions about my life and let her make me her famous trail mix.

I then started thinking about my conversation with Betty from the previous evening and how she described her marriage as two people looking out for each other, as a partnership. And I could not hold back the tears.

Ryan is good for me because he gets me, he sees beyond what I allow him to see, and he calls me out on the things he can perceive below the surface. He somehow knew I was crying, though he could not see my face, and he asked why, so I told him, and he held me in his arms and let me cry.

*Names have been changed