Because My Shirt Says So

I am a non-conformist
I am vegan
I am a member of PETA because I want someone to hate and meat-lovers-slash-animal-haters seem like an easy target
I am a metrosexual because I use moisturizing facial products that were tested on animals
I am not your brother
I do not care if you hate me
I listen to indie bands
I wear clothing with strategically placed rips and holes that were added by the manufacturer so that it looks used when it is in fact new
No one ‘gets’ me
I am my own brand
I subvert the confines of suburbia
I just want 2 be human after yall
Hi, my name is Constellation
I am a Scorpio
I am deep. Just read my shirt.
I cut all the logos off my clothing.
The brand name logos on my clothing seemed larger than life and gave me an identity until I clipped them off and put them in a pile on my desk. Then it all seemed like such an insignificant lump of fraying embroidery.
I got paid $20,000 to get this logo shaved into the back of my head.
I wore this tee when I posed in an Absolut ad.
Born again.
I am straight edge.
I protest consumerism by making my own shirts.
I wrote an essay on my idea of utopia. You are not in it.
I tried to kill myself in the 1990s.
Because it’s better to burn out than fade away.
I smell like teen spirit.
I wear eyeliner.

Why Alt Will Become Mnstrm

1. big corporations will let u ‘personalize ur brand’ so that everyone will be wearing his own personalized brand of nike
2. marginalized groups will turn slurs into slang with positive connotation (just want 2 be queer after yall)
3. everything will be available in 2 forms: original and pill
4. ppl will start 2 write in abbreviations and codes, substituting ‘real words’ 4 quick txt
5. the music u think is hip and alt now will become ‘popular’ and u will start to make fun of it while secretly loathing urself 4 liking it (e.g. the coldplays and c&c music factory)
6. u will not be able 2 keep up with ‘fashion trends’ bc retro will become mnstrm will become passé will become retro will become teen spirit will become mnstrm will become fig leaves
7. yall will get facial piercings 2 emulate the ppl u see on public transportation from the ‘bad area of town’
8. u will start riding a fixed gear bc u want to avoid the ‘odors’ u encounter on public transportation
9. ur mom will try 2 use ‘popular’ lingo 2 better ‘identify’ with u and be ur bff
10. mnstrmers will think it is ‘cool’ 2 be alt and alts will think it is ‘cool’ 2 be robot

How to Be a Hipster

1. Act like you don’t care what others think of you. After all, you don't. Who are they to define your self worth? No matter what you do or don’t do, there will always be people who do not like you. Why sweat it?

2. Eschew material possessions and protest consumerism. Act like you live in abject poverty and buy all of your clothes from the thrift store. For an extra twist, aim to look disheveled and wear mismatched colors. Never buy gifts for others. If you must give a gift, give used books.

3. Make up random jargon and throw it around. For instance, “Dude, that fixed-gear bike is sinister broccoli,” or “That guy is a total flag; he thinks he’s beautiful, but he’s not.” Even better, convert your slang phrases into acronyms and casually drop them into convo: “ETA and you risk getting worms.” (ETA = eat the apple). Of course it doesn’t make sense. That’s the whole point.

4. Everyone has a few friends who consider themselves musicians, whether that self-perception is realistic or not. Rip some of their tunes and play them loudly. When friends or bystanders ask what band you are listening to, say, “I can’t believe you’ve never heard of Orphean Sculptures. They are downright treacherous, man!”

5. Think of all the dorky things people do that attract negative attention and ridicule. Now do those things intentionally. Some examples include the following: wear a pocket protector, put tape around the frame of your glasses, button all the buttons on your shirt, or walk around with a Calculus textbook. Some of my personal favorites include walking around the grocery store with one pant leg rolled up or facing the wrong direction while riding an elevator.

6. Never purchase overpriced beverages from large multinational chains based in the Pacific Northwest. Instead, design your own logo and paste it onto Styrofoam cups. For the more creative and adventurous, design and paint your own chalice or grail. Drink your plain coffee (gasp!) while sporting these one-of-a-kind containers.