Kernels of Truth

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” (John 12:24)

I mentioned to some co-workers recently that I have been going through a growth spurt, spiritually and psychologically. I explained that God is revealing new insights, and I am learning more about myself and about His nature, which has improved my relationship with Him. One very Godly and humble woman in the group jokingly asked me, “What’s your secret?” wanting to improve her walk with God. I replied, somewhat sarcastically, “Oh, you know, just your garden variety emotional pain like depression, anxiety, loneliness, and struggle. The usual.” I’m not sure she wanted to utilize those particular tools of spiritual growth.

It is true, though, as we read in John 12, that a seed does not grow unless it first dies. So it is with our human growth; we must go through struggle (fall to the ground) and die to our human sin so that we may produce seeds (grow in our relationship with God) and so that we may become more Christ-like and bear fruit. What is fruit? Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I desire these qualities, these fruits in my life.

While I do not particularly like discomfort and struggle, I relish the growth that occurs as a result. In the same way that I tear down my muscles in the gym by lifting heavy weights, so I struggle with emotional pain in life. And just as my muscles then grow bigger and stronger as they heal from the exertion, so my spirit, my identity, and my emotional health grow as I process through the pain of life’s difficulties.

What is the cause of emotional pain, exactly? It can be a result of my sin, my poor choices, or it can be a result of other people’s sins and bad decisions. Or, it may come from making a wise and righteous decision that just happens to be a difficult choice to make. Life is not for sissies, after all.

I have made some poor relationship decisions over the years, and though I hate to admit it, some of them have caused me a great deal of grief and sadness. Romantic relationships are emotional and painful, but I am logical and analytical, and my rational mind cannot understand why I made poor decisions, like staying in an unhealthy relationship for too long. I know that many people do it, and it is our human nature that contributes to messy relationships, but still, at times I feel that I should have known better.

I have been in two emotionally abusive relationships (one of them was physically abusive, as well), and I still blame myself. It is difficult for me even to write these words, as I feel some sense of shame and responsibility, even though counselors and books and friends tell me that it is not my fault.

Yet God uses these struggles to teach me more about Him and to help me grow in my relationship with Him. As a result of my pain, I can better empathize with my female friends who are struggling in relationships, and I can better appreciate my current boyfriend, who is amazingly wonderful and kind. I can appreciate God’s love for me more deeply, because even though I fall short of His glory, I realize that there is nothing I can do that will make Him love me any less. When I sin or make mistakes, it reminds me that I need Jesus Christ because I cannot do it on my own, and it helps me grow closer to Him. I learn to trust God more in times of struggle, as He eventually brings me out of it. And more of my sin is exposed, which presents and opportunity to grow and learn.

One struggle with sin that is becoming more apparent to me in my life is my battle with self-condemnation. As I wrote above, I often feel like I should have known better. And then I condemn myself for my poor choices. But God tells me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), so I have been meditating a lot on this pearl of wisdom. But that is fodder for another post.

Favorites of 2009

The annum is drawing to a close, and I am reflecting on the struggles and the blessings of the past year. I am so thankful for the people in my life, my health, my job, and the psychological, spiritual, and physical growth I’ve experienced this year. In reflection, there are some items that have improved my life, or that I’ve simply enjoyed having. These items were not necessarily created/published/invented in 2009, but I discovered them over the past year.

Books:

“The Path of Loneliness” by Elisabeth Elliot – Elliot has so many nuggets of wisdom sprinkled throughout her book. I have struggled with loneliness a great deal this year, and Elliot’s wisdom has helped me to understand my struggles as a gift from God. I think on a subconscious level, I believed my struggles were punishment, but that is not the truth. If I don’t have something, it is because I don’t need it, as God has promised that He will provide all I need (Phil 4:19).

“I Hate You; Don’t Leave Me” by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus – This book is fascinating to those who are interested in psychology. It helped me to understand Borderline Personality Disorder in general, as well as specific people in my life. (Disclaimer: I am a trained professional counselor; I do not advocate diagnoses by lay people, as erroneous labeling can be damaging.)

“Why is it Always about You?” by Sandy Hotchkiss – Hotchkiss explains more about narcissism, not just as a diagnosable personality disorder, but as a general character flaw. We all have narcissists in our lives, and this book helped me to better understand them. The bottom line: Stay away from Borderlines and Narcissists if at all possible.

Music:

Intimacy Remixed – This album by Bloc Party comprises my favorite music of 2009. Kele Okereke and his electronic-edged Brit punk band are talented and original. Their lyrics are amazing (so many artists use clichés and common metaphors, but Bloc Party writes original and extremely poetic lyrics). The music itself is very unique, dynamic, and complex. When I listen, I feel like I melt into the music and it flows through me, and I’m always a sucker for a good remix.

Home:

Charlie’s Soap Detergent – This laundry detergent has changed my life. It is inexpensive as compared with major brands of liquid detergent, and it is biodegradable, hypoallergenic, and free of dyes and perfumes. It works well on my athletic clothing, as well as my general daytime wear. I can no longer use regular detergent, as I cannot tolerate the artificial perfumes.

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Whey Protein – I perform strength training and cardiovascular exercise every day. I broke my vegan diet about six months ago in order to cut down on the amount of soy I was consuming and to increase my protein intake. Within a few weeks, I lost a lot of water weight, and over the past several months, I have put on more muscle and gained in strength. Adding a few protein shakes a day has helped me meet my protein requirements and balance out my diet.

MAC Eye Shadow and Pigment – MAC Cosmetics has had a cult following for many years, but I just discovered why this year. MAC eye shadows and pigments are the best I have ever used: they are highly pigmented, blend easily, and they come in so many lovely shades. I get many compliments on my eyes from women when I wear MAC, although guys seem to prefer my face with less makeup. Once you go MAC, you will never go back.

Activities:

Crossfit – A few months ago, I added crossfit workouts to my strength training and cardio exercise at the gym. These varied, fast-paced workouts have helped me to get stronger and leaner. The fun Workouts of the Day, which are given women’s names, are fun and challenging. I enjoy the Fran workout, which involves completing a series of thrusters and pull-ups as quickly as possible.

Georgia Aquarium – My boyfriend, before he was my boyfriend, and before he knew I hated surprises, surprised me with a trip to the Georgia Aquarium for my birthday this year. It was amazing, and I loved seeing all the tanks filled with interesting fish. My favorite creatures were these little worm-like animals that were rooted in the sand, and I highly enjoyed the shark tank. I also loved touching the sting rays, and I wanted to steal one of the mini-sharks, but security is pretty tight at the Aquarium and they were watching me like a hawk.

Bodies Exhibit – I loved the Bodies exhibit at Atlantic Station. I am very interested in science, especially anatomy and physiology, and the Bodies Exhibit exceeded my expectations. Also, I went with one of my favorite people, who happens to be very knowledgeable about the human body and diseases, as he is a paramedic.
Bible verses:

Romans 8:1 – Romans continues to be my favorite book of the Bible, and Paul is my favorite author. Self-condemnation is an area of struggle for me, but Paul reminds me that I am free from condemnation now that I have a personal relationship with Christ.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

Psalm 37:4 – The psalms are balm when experiencing times of turmoil and anxiety. God via David reminds us that He wants us to have the desires of our heart.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”