Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Advertising and Masculinity
Does our society really view marriage as emasculating? Dodge apparently thinks so.
I went to the movies last night. I get really annoyed that the movie theater charges me for a ticket and then they proceed to pollute my mental environment with advertisements. Not only did I have to sit through fifteen minutes of ads prior to the twenty minutes of movie previews, I was also handed a print advertisement with my ticket purchase. If the advertisers are going to pay the theater, why should I have to pay them, as well? (This is how television works. Granted, we pay a fee for the television service like cable or satellite, but television shows themselves are paid for by the advertisers, not the viewers.)
One particular pre-preview-pre-movie commercial, apparently originally aired during the Superbowl, which I missed since I do not watch television, caught my attention.
This commercial shows various men’s serious-looking faces, while a narrator states the following:
I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30 am.
I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast.
I will shave.
I will clean the sink after I shave.
I will be at work by 8 am.
I will sit through 2 hour meetings.
I will say yes when you want me to say yes.
I will be quiet when you don't want to hear me say no.
I will take your call.
I will listen to your opinion of my friends.
I will listen to your friend's opinion of my friends.
I will be civil to your mother.
I will put the seat down.
I will separate the recycling.
I will carry your lip balm.
I will watch your vampire TV shows with you.
I will take my socks off before getting into bed.
I will put my underwear in the basket.
And because I do this...I drive the car I want to drive. Charger.
Man’s last stand.
(The text on the screen at the end reads, “Man’s Last Stand.”)
The Dodge commercial’s implied message is that men silently put up with women’s endless lists of unpleasant demands, and thus must exert their manhood by putting their feet down with their wives in order to drive a masculine car (sure, whether a Dodge Charger is up for debate, but let‘s focus on one thing at a time).
In other words, the commercial implies that men are emasculated in a marriage. Examples of this emasculation are withholding their views (I will be quiet), carrying makeup (lip balm), and, heaven forbid, paying attention to their wives (I will take your call). Men can then regain their masculinity by number one, standing up to their wives (Man’s last stand), and number two, buying a supposedly masculine car.
Incidentally, I do find it a bit strange that many of these statements seem unpleasant, like sitting through meetings, faking nice to friends and in laws, and watching vampire shows (ugh, don’t get me started), and couched in the middle of all these distasteful activities is the statement, “I will take your call.” Since when is taking a call from one’s wife an objectionable activity? That seems sad to me, as I would like to believe that many spouses enjoy each other’s company.
Does our society really believe that marriage is so emasculating that men have to take a final stand against the women they marry? Is marriage so unpleasant that men hate doing things that make their wives’ lives a bit easier? Why get married if women are really so pesky and demanding? Why get married if you will feel like less of a man for contributing to the income and affairs of a household? Is buying a car really going to make anyone any happier or more manly?
I went to the movies last night. I get really annoyed that the movie theater charges me for a ticket and then they proceed to pollute my mental environment with advertisements. Not only did I have to sit through fifteen minutes of ads prior to the twenty minutes of movie previews, I was also handed a print advertisement with my ticket purchase. If the advertisers are going to pay the theater, why should I have to pay them, as well? (This is how television works. Granted, we pay a fee for the television service like cable or satellite, but television shows themselves are paid for by the advertisers, not the viewers.)
One particular pre-preview-pre-movie commercial, apparently originally aired during the Superbowl, which I missed since I do not watch television, caught my attention.
This commercial shows various men’s serious-looking faces, while a narrator states the following:
I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30 am.
I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast.
I will shave.
I will clean the sink after I shave.
I will be at work by 8 am.
I will sit through 2 hour meetings.
I will say yes when you want me to say yes.
I will be quiet when you don't want to hear me say no.
I will take your call.
I will listen to your opinion of my friends.
I will listen to your friend's opinion of my friends.
I will be civil to your mother.
I will put the seat down.
I will separate the recycling.
I will carry your lip balm.
I will watch your vampire TV shows with you.
I will take my socks off before getting into bed.
I will put my underwear in the basket.
And because I do this...I drive the car I want to drive. Charger.
Man’s last stand.
(The text on the screen at the end reads, “Man’s Last Stand.”)
The Dodge commercial’s implied message is that men silently put up with women’s endless lists of unpleasant demands, and thus must exert their manhood by putting their feet down with their wives in order to drive a masculine car (sure, whether a Dodge Charger is up for debate, but let‘s focus on one thing at a time).
In other words, the commercial implies that men are emasculated in a marriage. Examples of this emasculation are withholding their views (I will be quiet), carrying makeup (lip balm), and, heaven forbid, paying attention to their wives (I will take your call). Men can then regain their masculinity by number one, standing up to their wives (Man’s last stand), and number two, buying a supposedly masculine car.
Incidentally, I do find it a bit strange that many of these statements seem unpleasant, like sitting through meetings, faking nice to friends and in laws, and watching vampire shows (ugh, don’t get me started), and couched in the middle of all these distasteful activities is the statement, “I will take your call.” Since when is taking a call from one’s wife an objectionable activity? That seems sad to me, as I would like to believe that many spouses enjoy each other’s company.
Does our society really believe that marriage is so emasculating that men have to take a final stand against the women they marry? Is marriage so unpleasant that men hate doing things that make their wives’ lives a bit easier? Why get married if women are really so pesky and demanding? Why get married if you will feel like less of a man for contributing to the income and affairs of a household? Is buying a car really going to make anyone any happier or more manly?
Moisturizer
I make my own moisturizer and cleanser.
Body:
Mix 2 drops of lavender essential oil (or your favorite essential oil) per 1 ounce of safflower oil.
Apply after shower to towel dried skin.
Face:
Mix 1 part castor oil to 1 part safflower oil (if you find this too drying, use less castor oil).
Apply a very small amount after shower to towel dried skin.
You can also use this facial mixture to clean your face. It will remove dirt, impurities, and even waterproof makeup.
Apply a quarter-sized amount to your hands and massage into skin for a minute or so.
Wet a washcloth with hot water from the tap, warm enough to open your pores but not scalding.
Hold the washcloth to your face until the cloth starts to cool, rinse it out, and repeat a few times.
You are trying to steam your skin, open the pores, and release impurities.
I have very sensitive skin and the oil does not cause me to break out. My skin is much less sensitive to these forms of moisturizer and cleanser than to popular manufactured products with their questionable ingredients (Dimethiconol, Carbomer, Methylparaben).
What are we doing tonight?
Tonight? We make soap.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I Think
A friend of mine, who is probably on the verge of getting an alias on my blog, sent me an email. “Penny for your thoughts,” he wrote.
I think that the following questions are music to an INTJs ears: “What do you think?” “What’s your opinion?” “What is your input?”
I think that pharmaceutical companies are scary. I refer to them as Big Pharma. Drug sales are fueled by marketing, not efficacy or safety. In other words, the best-selling drug in our country is the one on which Big Pharma spent the most money advertising. It has nothing to do with how good or safe the drug is, or what its side effects are.
I think advertising pollutes our mental environment, Big Pharma being a prime example. In general, advertising (think of print ads in magazines or commercials on the “electronic bookshelf” you have your furniture pointed at) promotes dissatisfaction.
I think that some bands are good even though they are popular and mainstream. But sometimes I am a snob and I don’t *want* to like them because they are popular and mainstream. I am the same way with books. I totally won’t read Twilight or Harry Potter.
I think that the Keurig they put into the office next to mine (for anyone to use) is going to take my caffeine addiction to the next level.
I think a lot about how to constantly change up my workouts (to keep them interesting and to enable myself to make progress and not plateau). A person cannot really get stronger and get leaner at the same time. I mean, it depends on the person’s existing body composition, but especially for people who already have little body fat, it is difficult because it’s like trying to gain weight and lose weight at the same time. Yet, I can never quite decide which I want.
I suppose if I had to choose, I prefer to get stronger. To me, it is easier and more fun. When I lose weight (which I am not at all trying to do), I feel weak, and I don’t like it. Conversely, when I am able to lift more weight, I feel so strong and empowered. Incidentally, over the past two years since I learned to work out properly, I have gained a lot of muscle, but I have not gained any weight. Every woman on the planet struggles with body image (thanks in part to advertising and the promotion of an unrealistic ideal), but I have never felt as secure in my body image as when I started to weight train properly and get strong.
Many women, I think, underestimate their strength. I see women who military press 10 pound dumbbells. “Your shoulders are stronger than that!,” I think. Sometimes I want to go up to them and encourage them, but I never do. That is how I became stronger and felt better about myself, though. I had people who handed me more weight than I thought I could lift, they encouraged me, and I was able to lift it.
I think teenagers are very fascinating. They are in a stage of life where they are searching for identity. They are no longer as authentic as young children are, yet often, teens are still more authentic than many adults. Teenagers have an intriguing balance of idealism and cynicism. They expect and thirst for a lot out of other people and out of life, yet they mistrust people, especially adults (many times rightfully so).
Teens experience all the same insecurities and struggles that adults face, yet they do not have the experience to understand how time changes things. I think that most adults marginalize and discount teenagers, yet often the teens are right (e.g. “I shouldn’t have to do this homework, which is really just busy work, because it is a waste of time that I could be using more productively, and I’m never going to use this crap in real life.” Yes, that actually is true.).
I think that the following questions are music to an INTJs ears: “What do you think?” “What’s your opinion?” “What is your input?”
I think that pharmaceutical companies are scary. I refer to them as Big Pharma. Drug sales are fueled by marketing, not efficacy or safety. In other words, the best-selling drug in our country is the one on which Big Pharma spent the most money advertising. It has nothing to do with how good or safe the drug is, or what its side effects are.
I think advertising pollutes our mental environment, Big Pharma being a prime example. In general, advertising (think of print ads in magazines or commercials on the “electronic bookshelf” you have your furniture pointed at) promotes dissatisfaction.
I think that some bands are good even though they are popular and mainstream. But sometimes I am a snob and I don’t *want* to like them because they are popular and mainstream. I am the same way with books. I totally won’t read Twilight or Harry Potter.
I think that the Keurig they put into the office next to mine (for anyone to use) is going to take my caffeine addiction to the next level.
I think a lot about how to constantly change up my workouts (to keep them interesting and to enable myself to make progress and not plateau). A person cannot really get stronger and get leaner at the same time. I mean, it depends on the person’s existing body composition, but especially for people who already have little body fat, it is difficult because it’s like trying to gain weight and lose weight at the same time. Yet, I can never quite decide which I want.
I suppose if I had to choose, I prefer to get stronger. To me, it is easier and more fun. When I lose weight (which I am not at all trying to do), I feel weak, and I don’t like it. Conversely, when I am able to lift more weight, I feel so strong and empowered. Incidentally, over the past two years since I learned to work out properly, I have gained a lot of muscle, but I have not gained any weight. Every woman on the planet struggles with body image (thanks in part to advertising and the promotion of an unrealistic ideal), but I have never felt as secure in my body image as when I started to weight train properly and get strong.
Many women, I think, underestimate their strength. I see women who military press 10 pound dumbbells. “Your shoulders are stronger than that!,” I think. Sometimes I want to go up to them and encourage them, but I never do. That is how I became stronger and felt better about myself, though. I had people who handed me more weight than I thought I could lift, they encouraged me, and I was able to lift it.
I think teenagers are very fascinating. They are in a stage of life where they are searching for identity. They are no longer as authentic as young children are, yet often, teens are still more authentic than many adults. Teenagers have an intriguing balance of idealism and cynicism. They expect and thirst for a lot out of other people and out of life, yet they mistrust people, especially adults (many times rightfully so).
Teens experience all the same insecurities and struggles that adults face, yet they do not have the experience to understand how time changes things. I think that most adults marginalize and discount teenagers, yet often the teens are right (e.g. “I shouldn’t have to do this homework, which is really just busy work, because it is a waste of time that I could be using more productively, and I’m never going to use this crap in real life.” Yes, that actually is true.).
Clarifying Rebelliousness
To expound on my earlier post about rebelliousness, I have a few more thoughts.
It is natural to give into worldly desires or whatever, as we as Christians still have our sin nature thanks to Adam and Eve. (My friend has a t-shirt that says, “My Bad. -Eve”) That is the beauty of grace, that God loves me even though I have my sinful nature.
What I mean by rebelliousness is that I wish I could wake up every morning and give the entire day, all my actions and thoughts, to God. I do often pray that, yet two seconds later, I’m unconsciously taking back my words, thinking about how I can glorify myself today rather than God. The rebelliousness comes into play in virtually everything I do. Every decision to be made, there is a Godly voice and an evil voice (“Share the gospel with this person,” versus “I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now.” or “Wait to learn this guy’s heart and character,” versus “What’s the harm in letting him kiss you.” or “Spend time with Me,” versus, “I would rather do something else.”) Granted, I don’t always DO the rebellious thing, but there is a part of me that WANTS to do the rebellious thing.
I KNOW intellectually that doing the Godly thing will make my life better. Maybe not easier, but better, and perhaps simpler. But I still want to do the sinful thing (sinful in the sense that everything that is not of faith is sin, so that even “good” things done for selfish reasons are still sinful).
It is natural to give into worldly desires or whatever, as we as Christians still have our sin nature thanks to Adam and Eve. (My friend has a t-shirt that says, “My Bad. -Eve”) That is the beauty of grace, that God loves me even though I have my sinful nature.
What I mean by rebelliousness is that I wish I could wake up every morning and give the entire day, all my actions and thoughts, to God. I do often pray that, yet two seconds later, I’m unconsciously taking back my words, thinking about how I can glorify myself today rather than God. The rebelliousness comes into play in virtually everything I do. Every decision to be made, there is a Godly voice and an evil voice (“Share the gospel with this person,” versus “I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now.” or “Wait to learn this guy’s heart and character,” versus “What’s the harm in letting him kiss you.” or “Spend time with Me,” versus, “I would rather do something else.”) Granted, I don’t always DO the rebellious thing, but there is a part of me that WANTS to do the rebellious thing.
I KNOW intellectually that doing the Godly thing will make my life better. Maybe not easier, but better, and perhaps simpler. But I still want to do the sinful thing (sinful in the sense that everything that is not of faith is sin, so that even “good” things done for selfish reasons are still sinful).
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Rebelliousness versus Obedience
Sometimes it is difficult to be a Christian. I want to hang onto the world, worldliness, and at the same time, I want the benefits of being one of God’s children.
I like to listen to secular music. I have listened to it all my life, and I enjoy punk, hard rock, and electronica. I want to date “like a normal person.” I spent 14 years (from my first boyfriend at age 13 to the time I became a Christian at age 27) dating without knowing how to date in a Godly way or have healthy relationships, and it is difficult to change old patterns. I want to watch mainstream movies or read pulp fiction because these things are entertaining.
However, trying to hold on to worldliness is ultimately to my detriment. Secular music contributes to my use of bad language and a false understanding of love. Trying to hang onto old ways of dating does not glorify God, and it only causes stress and distance from God. What seems glamorous or appealing proves empty and unsettling. Watching mainstream movies promotes dissatisfaction and disappointment. Relationships in mainstream media are portrayed as if another person can be your everything and can totally fulfill you, but this is not reality.
In our society, we are bombarded with fairy tales. We see men who desire and idolize women; they are the rescuers, saving us from our “real life” that is full of hassles. We see women who are airbrushed beyond what is realistic. We see advertisements and listen to songs that promote sexual and sensual temptation. And we want to hang onto these fairy tales, because they are alluring. Movies and advertisements promise a happy ending as a result of being lustful (“sex equals love”) and greedy (“buying stuff equals happiness”).
God says through Paul in Galatians 5:22-23, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” When we submit our wills to the control of the Holy Spirit, we gain these “fruits,” or benefits. Often, I want to follow my own will and live a worldly life, yet I want to reap the benefits of the Spirit anyway. But in reality, Godliness and obedience, tough as it may seem at times, increase peace and joy.
Elisabeth Elliot, in “The Path of Loneliness,” writes, “Sometimes we prefer to struggle even when we are quite clear about what we ought to do. Struggling in such a case only postpones obedience. . . Sooner or later someone is bound to come along and say just what we hoped to hear, ‘Go with your feelings.’ This may seem the easiest way until we try it, whereupon we find that feelings are always canceling each other out – which ones shall we go with?. . . [but] those who go with feelings will never inherit the kingdom of God.”
I can always find someone who will tell me what I want to hear, who will say what I need to give me license to do what I want to do outside of God’s will. Several people have told me lately, “Follow your heart.” That could mean that I choose to follow God, because Jesus in my heart enables me to be obedient and to love others. Or it could mean that I follow my sinful heart, my rebellious desires.
The deep desire of my heart is to follow God and to be obedient. While this path does not make life easier, it makes life simpler.
Yet it is easy to get distracted, to get caught up in the moment, to be influenced by worldliness and to falsely believe that I want worldly things.
Elliot writes of a woman who is joyful in her singleness. Elliot asks the woman if she is lonely, and the woman replies, “Oh no. You see, I have a sense of expectancy every day. What does the Lord want to do with me today? I have no agenda of my own.”
What must it be like to wake up every morning with a wholehearted acceptance of God’s agenda, giving Him my day, my heart, my obedience? I so desire to operate at this level. It must come with such a sense of freedom and love and peace. So why would I keep holding onto worldliness and rebellion?
Well, if I were perfectly obedient, I would not need Christ. Paul writes in Philippians 1:6, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I am a work in progress, and sanctification will continue until the day I die. God does not expect me to be perfect right now.
I like to listen to secular music. I have listened to it all my life, and I enjoy punk, hard rock, and electronica. I want to date “like a normal person.” I spent 14 years (from my first boyfriend at age 13 to the time I became a Christian at age 27) dating without knowing how to date in a Godly way or have healthy relationships, and it is difficult to change old patterns. I want to watch mainstream movies or read pulp fiction because these things are entertaining.
However, trying to hold on to worldliness is ultimately to my detriment. Secular music contributes to my use of bad language and a false understanding of love. Trying to hang onto old ways of dating does not glorify God, and it only causes stress and distance from God. What seems glamorous or appealing proves empty and unsettling. Watching mainstream movies promotes dissatisfaction and disappointment. Relationships in mainstream media are portrayed as if another person can be your everything and can totally fulfill you, but this is not reality.
In our society, we are bombarded with fairy tales. We see men who desire and idolize women; they are the rescuers, saving us from our “real life” that is full of hassles. We see women who are airbrushed beyond what is realistic. We see advertisements and listen to songs that promote sexual and sensual temptation. And we want to hang onto these fairy tales, because they are alluring. Movies and advertisements promise a happy ending as a result of being lustful (“sex equals love”) and greedy (“buying stuff equals happiness”).
God says through Paul in Galatians 5:22-23, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” When we submit our wills to the control of the Holy Spirit, we gain these “fruits,” or benefits. Often, I want to follow my own will and live a worldly life, yet I want to reap the benefits of the Spirit anyway. But in reality, Godliness and obedience, tough as it may seem at times, increase peace and joy.
Elisabeth Elliot, in “The Path of Loneliness,” writes, “Sometimes we prefer to struggle even when we are quite clear about what we ought to do. Struggling in such a case only postpones obedience. . . Sooner or later someone is bound to come along and say just what we hoped to hear, ‘Go with your feelings.’ This may seem the easiest way until we try it, whereupon we find that feelings are always canceling each other out – which ones shall we go with?. . . [but] those who go with feelings will never inherit the kingdom of God.”
I can always find someone who will tell me what I want to hear, who will say what I need to give me license to do what I want to do outside of God’s will. Several people have told me lately, “Follow your heart.” That could mean that I choose to follow God, because Jesus in my heart enables me to be obedient and to love others. Or it could mean that I follow my sinful heart, my rebellious desires.
The deep desire of my heart is to follow God and to be obedient. While this path does not make life easier, it makes life simpler.
Yet it is easy to get distracted, to get caught up in the moment, to be influenced by worldliness and to falsely believe that I want worldly things.
Elliot writes of a woman who is joyful in her singleness. Elliot asks the woman if she is lonely, and the woman replies, “Oh no. You see, I have a sense of expectancy every day. What does the Lord want to do with me today? I have no agenda of my own.”
What must it be like to wake up every morning with a wholehearted acceptance of God’s agenda, giving Him my day, my heart, my obedience? I so desire to operate at this level. It must come with such a sense of freedom and love and peace. So why would I keep holding onto worldliness and rebellion?
Well, if I were perfectly obedient, I would not need Christ. Paul writes in Philippians 1:6, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I am a work in progress, and sanctification will continue until the day I die. God does not expect me to be perfect right now.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Single Again
I’m single again.
And surprisingly, it feels pretty damn good.
The deep longing of my heart is to one day be married. I feel that God designed me for and intends for me to be married. And there are many aspects of dating and relationships that I enjoy. Yet, I have a strong sense that I am exactly where I need to be right now.
I was reading “Let Me Be a Woman,” by Elisabeth Elliot last night, and she wrote in the book, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.” I get frustrated with people who exhort, “Be content in your singleness.” God put a desire on my heart to be married, and I see clear evidence of Him preparing me for a marriage relationship. God wants us to long for what he intends for us and not be merely “content.” But He also wants us to live today. This is the place I am in right now. I long for marriage, but singleness is God’s path for me today, and I will live to the fullest in that.
I have a friend who is involved with Celebrate Recovery, a Christian-based addictions recovery program that is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. She reminded me yesterday to take life one day at a time. And she is right. I get overwhelmed at times thinking about the future. At times, I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of meeting, dating, and marrying my future husband. But God dispenses His grace one day at a time. He gives me exactly what I need for today. And thankfully, this enables me to rely on Him every single day. So today, I trust that I am where I need to be. Single.
The past few weeks, I had been feeling increasingly unsettled with the guy I was dating. I hate to admit it, but I knew he was not right for me, yet I was reluctant to cut it off because I liked his personality. And I did not really want to be alone. I have a great support network of friends, but I enjoy the particular feeling of companionship in a dating relationship. I like having someone to talk to before going to bed. I like knowing someone is thinking about me during the day.
I have been feeling insecure, as well, the past few weeks, much more so than is usual for me. Like anyone, I have some insecurity, but for the most part I am pretty confident and well-adjusted. Now that the relationship is over, suddenly, my confidence is back. When I opened up to my ex about how I was feeling (while we were still dating), he told me that my insecurities were coming from inside me, he denied any part in it, and his words led me to doubt myself. Now that I am out of the relationship, I see that it wasn’t that anything is wrong with me, he just wasn’t right for me. And perhaps, as well, I was reacting to his emotional unavailability.
In my Bible study group today, we discussed Philippians 1 and the importance of fellowship. One of the benefits of having true friends who love us (more specifically in the context of the passage, Christian friends), is that they desire to see us grow and be happier and healthier. If our true friends give us criticism or negative feedback, we can trust that they are saying it out of love because they truly want the best for us.
One of my weaknesses is that in dating relationships, when the guy gives me negative feedback, I want to believe that he is saying it in a loving way because he truly desires that I be a more Godly and better person. However, I think in reality, a lot of times guys say things to me out of their own insecurities and weaknesses. Perhaps they are projecting some of their own insecurities, but whatever the reason, the negative feedback is not said out of a sincere heart. Unfortunately, I have a hard time discerning when this is the case, and I take their comments seriously, which in the case of this most recent relationship, made me question myself and feel some insecurity.
As my pastor David* said, “Don’t date guys in the gym. They are screwed up.”
No, that’s not the quote I meant, although he said that, as well. He also said, “Don’t fall in love with the icing, which consists of personality and physical attraction. We need the cake, the substance, to fill us up. The icing is delicious, but when we eat only the icing, we will end up with a headache.”
If I am really honest with myself, my most recent ex was icing. And I ended up with a headache.
Now that the sugar crash has cleared, I am looking forward to working on myself and becoming more emotionally and spiritually healthy. I am also excited to have the opportunity to look for a man of substance, a man whose heart belongs to God.
One of the best books I have read is “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,” by Peter Scazzero. He avers that spiritual and emotional maturity co-occur. (Side note: My recent ex-boyfriend was not at all spiritually mature, hence, he cannot truly be emotionally mature, either. It is not my intent to be critical of him, as he has many great qualities. But I admit that I conveniently overlooked the spiritual issue because I was attracted to him, and I wanted to date him because he was tasty icing. However, I probably should have known better.) In Scazzero’s book, he has one of the most informative charts I have seen that lists the characteristics of an emotionally healthy person. You can view this chart here. Jesus functioned at 100. He was both perfectly confident and perfectly humble.
For now, I will work on my relationship with God first and foremost. I am also seeing a counselor who can help me grow emotionally and psychologically. Beyond that, it is my aim (with God’s help) to put my trust in God when it comes to relationships. I desire to follow His will for me and not to date someone just because he pursues me or seems attractive. I want to look for the substance, the heart, the cake. I wish to fully and intentionally rely on God to provide what I need, particularly in the arena of dating relationships.
While I do wish to be in a relationship that is headed towards marriage, I am not going to go out and specifically seek to date. Rather, I wish to follow God’s direction. For now, at least, I am discarding my old List of qualities and characteristics to look for in mate, and I am going with my friend Emily’s* list, which I have written about previously.
1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.
Today, I am very thankful for friends who are praying for me and encouraging me. I am thankful for the amazing people that surround me daily. I am thankful for the healing that God has brought into my life. I am thankful that my happiness, joy, peace, and hope comes always and only from Jesus Christ. I thankful that I feel confident in my identity in Christ.
*Names have been changed.
And surprisingly, it feels pretty damn good.
The deep longing of my heart is to one day be married. I feel that God designed me for and intends for me to be married. And there are many aspects of dating and relationships that I enjoy. Yet, I have a strong sense that I am exactly where I need to be right now.
I was reading “Let Me Be a Woman,” by Elisabeth Elliot last night, and she wrote in the book, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.” I get frustrated with people who exhort, “Be content in your singleness.” God put a desire on my heart to be married, and I see clear evidence of Him preparing me for a marriage relationship. God wants us to long for what he intends for us and not be merely “content.” But He also wants us to live today. This is the place I am in right now. I long for marriage, but singleness is God’s path for me today, and I will live to the fullest in that.
I have a friend who is involved with Celebrate Recovery, a Christian-based addictions recovery program that is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. She reminded me yesterday to take life one day at a time. And she is right. I get overwhelmed at times thinking about the future. At times, I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of meeting, dating, and marrying my future husband. But God dispenses His grace one day at a time. He gives me exactly what I need for today. And thankfully, this enables me to rely on Him every single day. So today, I trust that I am where I need to be. Single.
The past few weeks, I had been feeling increasingly unsettled with the guy I was dating. I hate to admit it, but I knew he was not right for me, yet I was reluctant to cut it off because I liked his personality. And I did not really want to be alone. I have a great support network of friends, but I enjoy the particular feeling of companionship in a dating relationship. I like having someone to talk to before going to bed. I like knowing someone is thinking about me during the day.
I have been feeling insecure, as well, the past few weeks, much more so than is usual for me. Like anyone, I have some insecurity, but for the most part I am pretty confident and well-adjusted. Now that the relationship is over, suddenly, my confidence is back. When I opened up to my ex about how I was feeling (while we were still dating), he told me that my insecurities were coming from inside me, he denied any part in it, and his words led me to doubt myself. Now that I am out of the relationship, I see that it wasn’t that anything is wrong with me, he just wasn’t right for me. And perhaps, as well, I was reacting to his emotional unavailability.
In my Bible study group today, we discussed Philippians 1 and the importance of fellowship. One of the benefits of having true friends who love us (more specifically in the context of the passage, Christian friends), is that they desire to see us grow and be happier and healthier. If our true friends give us criticism or negative feedback, we can trust that they are saying it out of love because they truly want the best for us.
One of my weaknesses is that in dating relationships, when the guy gives me negative feedback, I want to believe that he is saying it in a loving way because he truly desires that I be a more Godly and better person. However, I think in reality, a lot of times guys say things to me out of their own insecurities and weaknesses. Perhaps they are projecting some of their own insecurities, but whatever the reason, the negative feedback is not said out of a sincere heart. Unfortunately, I have a hard time discerning when this is the case, and I take their comments seriously, which in the case of this most recent relationship, made me question myself and feel some insecurity.
As my pastor David* said, “Don’t date guys in the gym. They are screwed up.”
No, that’s not the quote I meant, although he said that, as well. He also said, “Don’t fall in love with the icing, which consists of personality and physical attraction. We need the cake, the substance, to fill us up. The icing is delicious, but when we eat only the icing, we will end up with a headache.”
If I am really honest with myself, my most recent ex was icing. And I ended up with a headache.
Now that the sugar crash has cleared, I am looking forward to working on myself and becoming more emotionally and spiritually healthy. I am also excited to have the opportunity to look for a man of substance, a man whose heart belongs to God.
One of the best books I have read is “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,” by Peter Scazzero. He avers that spiritual and emotional maturity co-occur. (Side note: My recent ex-boyfriend was not at all spiritually mature, hence, he cannot truly be emotionally mature, either. It is not my intent to be critical of him, as he has many great qualities. But I admit that I conveniently overlooked the spiritual issue because I was attracted to him, and I wanted to date him because he was tasty icing. However, I probably should have known better.) In Scazzero’s book, he has one of the most informative charts I have seen that lists the characteristics of an emotionally healthy person. You can view this chart here. Jesus functioned at 100. He was both perfectly confident and perfectly humble.
For now, I will work on my relationship with God first and foremost. I am also seeing a counselor who can help me grow emotionally and psychologically. Beyond that, it is my aim (with God’s help) to put my trust in God when it comes to relationships. I desire to follow His will for me and not to date someone just because he pursues me or seems attractive. I want to look for the substance, the heart, the cake. I wish to fully and intentionally rely on God to provide what I need, particularly in the arena of dating relationships.
While I do wish to be in a relationship that is headed towards marriage, I am not going to go out and specifically seek to date. Rather, I wish to follow God’s direction. For now, at least, I am discarding my old List of qualities and characteristics to look for in mate, and I am going with my friend Emily’s* list, which I have written about previously.
1. He loves God more than he loves me.
2. He supports my ministry by encouraging me and praying for me.
3. He truly understands God’s grace, and is thus able to love the Lord and be forgiving.
4. He fights for me and for our relationship.
Today, I am very thankful for friends who are praying for me and encouraging me. I am thankful for the amazing people that surround me daily. I am thankful for the healing that God has brought into my life. I am thankful that my happiness, joy, peace, and hope comes always and only from Jesus Christ. I thankful that I feel confident in my identity in Christ.
*Names have been changed.
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