I mentioned to some co-workers recently that I have been going through a growth spurt, spiritually and psychologically. I explained that God is revealing new insights, and I am learning more about myself and about His nature, which has improved my relationship with Him. One very Godly and humble woman in the group jokingly asked me, “What’s your secret?” wanting to improve her walk with God. I replied, somewhat sarcastically, “Oh, you know, just your garden variety emotional pain like depression, anxiety, loneliness, and struggle. The usual.” I’m not sure she wanted to utilize those particular tools of spiritual growth.
It is true, though, as we read in John 12, that a seed does not grow unless it first dies. So it is with our human growth; we must go through struggle (fall to the ground) and die to our human sin so that we may produce seeds (grow in our relationship with God) and so that we may become more Christ-like and bear fruit. What is fruit? Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I desire these qualities, these fruits in my life.
While I do not particularly like discomfort and struggle, I relish the growth that occurs as a result. In the same way that I tear down my muscles in the gym by lifting heavy weights, so I struggle with emotional pain in life. And just as my muscles then grow bigger and stronger as they heal from the exertion, so my spirit, my identity, and my emotional health grow as I process through the pain of life’s difficulties.
What is the cause of emotional pain, exactly? It can be a result of my sin, my poor choices, or it can be a result of other people’s sins and bad decisions. Or, it may come from making a wise and righteous decision that just happens to be a difficult choice to make. Life is not for sissies, after all.
I have made some poor relationship decisions over the years, and though I hate to admit it, some of them have caused me a great deal of grief and sadness. Romantic relationships are emotional and painful, but I am logical and analytical, and my rational mind cannot understand why I made poor decisions, like staying in an unhealthy relationship for too long. I know that many people do it, and it is our human nature that contributes to messy relationships, but still, at times I feel that I should have known better.
I have been in two emotionally abusive relationships (one of them was physically abusive, as well), and I still blame myself. It is difficult for me even to write these words, as I feel some sense of shame and responsibility, even though counselors and books and friends tell me that it is not my fault.
Yet God uses these struggles to teach me more about Him and to help me grow in my relationship with Him. As a result of my pain, I can better empathize with my female friends who are struggling in relationships, and I can better appreciate my current boyfriend, who is amazingly wonderful and kind. I can appreciate God’s love for me more deeply, because even though I fall short of His glory, I realize that there is nothing I can do that will make Him love me any less. When I sin or make mistakes, it reminds me that I need Jesus Christ because I cannot do it on my own, and it helps me grow closer to Him. I learn to trust God more in times of struggle, as He eventually brings me out of it. And more of my sin is exposed, which presents and opportunity to grow and learn.
One struggle with sin that is becoming more apparent to me in my life is my battle with self-condemnation. As I wrote above, I often feel like I should have known better. And then I condemn myself for my poor choices. But God tells me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), so I have been meditating a lot on this pearl of wisdom. But that is fodder for another post. 
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