Loneliness

Do you ever look into a person's eyes when (s)he thinks no one is watching? What do you see? At times, I forget that we are all living lives of quiet desperation, and that most of us are simply trying to make it through the day. At times, I feel like I am the only one experiencing the pain of loneliness.

I work at a church, and many times, people are honest about sin as a philosophical concept, but not necessarily open about their sin as an ugly, unctuous reality. We talk about it intellectually, and we can confess our respectable sins, like struggle with lust, tithing, or reading our Bibles, but we do not admit our deep and loathsome struggles. We engage in hypothetical dialogue, but we do not feel safe sharing the lacerations of our heart, the wounds of our humanity.

I have been thinking a lot about loneliness recently. I have struggled with a deep sense of loneliness for a long time, sometimes a dull ache in the back of my throat, and other times a poignant pang in the center my chest.

For quite a while, I have assumed that my loneliness is a sin problem. I know intellectually that God is all I need. If I feel lonely, it is because I do not trust Him enough. I often believe, somewhat subconsciously, that I am feeling lonely because of the choices I make. I seek comfort, control, power, and approval from sources other than God. And as one consequence of those idols, I struggle emotionally. The loneliness I feel is my fault, I think to myself. It is a result of my sinful heart.

But I have been reading “The Path of Loneliness,” by Elisabeth Elliott, and she avers that loneliness and struggle are “gifts” from God. He knows everything about me, and He knows what will happen, and He may allow seasons of struggle and feelings of loneliness for a purpose. Everything I experience is part of the sanctification process. Elliott's words gave me pause, because what I thought was my sin may be God’s gift to me; it may be His bidding.

The loneliness I feel comes from three sources. In a general sense, I feel existential loneliness as a result of The Fall, Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden, where we lost our glory and perfect relationship with God. We all experience what Irvin Yalom calls existential isolation, as no one can know us completely or meet all our needs. More specifically, I feel loneliness as a result of circumstances that I did not choose, such as the lack of emotional connectedness in my family of origin and my general temperament. I also feel loneliness because of my own sinful heart, because of the choices I make and because I do not turn to God to meet my needs. Rather, I take matters into my own hands and try to fix my issues in my own strength, rather than seeking God.

It has occurred to me that the real issue is not so much the loneliness I am feeling, but it is the self-condemnation. I have been condemning myself for my struggles. Why am I so hard on myself? Romans 8:1 tells me that I am free from condemnation. Whether my struggle comes from my own choices or circumstances beyond my control, God forgives me. Completely. I am free.

A friend reminded me that Satan has no power unless God grants it. While I am still responsible for my sin, God allows it and ultimately uses all things for good (Romans 8:28). God gives Satan whatever power he has. For instance, in Job 1:8, it is God who suggests Job to Satan. So even in my transgressions, God is present, orchestrating all things with His mighty hand.

Tim Keller says that humility is not thinking less of oneself, it is thinking of oneself less. I realize now that I have been worrying too much about what I am doing or not doing. I have been self-focused. The condemnation I have felt is about me, not God.

Most likely, my loneliness is a combination both of my own sinful heart and God’s doing. Part of the answer is to focus on God in prayer and petition rather than dwelling within myself. I am unable to do anything in my own strength; it is God who gives me strength, and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength (Phil. 4:13).