Family

“I told you that you will be a part of my family,” he said. “This is only the beginning.”

Last night I spent time with my boyfriend Ryan’s* family for the first time (though I have previously met his mom). I enjoyed the evening, the companionship, the affection I witnessed.

But only this morning while sitting in church did I really feel deeply moved by my time with Ryan's kin, as if it took time for it to penetrate down into my soul. I felt tears springing in my eyes on several occasions this morning as I worshipped God and listened to the pastor talk about how Jesus is able to sympathize with all of my suffering, how He pursues me, how He loves me. As I looked around at all the families in the congregation, I began thinking about the meaning and experience of family.

As I have written previously, I feel like I am missing a family. My family of origin is emotionally disengaged, and while we all get along, there is a lack of warmth and tender affectionate love. I became a Christian about four and a half years ago, and over that time, God has brought me into a church community that has become my family. He has brought me several very close female friends, for whom I am enormously thankful. These women are the sisters I never had (I grew up with three awesome brothers). Yet I do not have a real family, those most intimate relations in our human existence. When I leave my workplace or go home after social engagements, I am alone in the house.

For most of my life, I have been basically okay with being alone. I am a strong introvert, and I enjoy my own company. I have a number of hobbies and interests that I pursue. Yet I do feel lonely at times. And very recently, God has opened my eyes (heart?) to a new longing to be part of a family.

I have a yearning to be needed and accepted as part of a family unit.

I had the great privilege of meeting Ryan’s five year old daughter Ella* yesterday, Ella with lovely eyes. Ella immediately treated me as her friend, introduced me to her favorite television show (iCarly), and allowed me to meet all her little companions (ten or twelve teeny Pet Shop bobblehead animals with enormous eyes). She demonstrated her sassy dance moves as we listened to “Party in the USA” eighteen times. And she let me into her imaginary world as we pretended to play video games on her “laptop” (a toy computer).

What I loved about Ella, and what captivates me about most children, is that she had no pretenses. She was authentic and she treated me as a friend without any of the typical social awkwardness and masks that adults use with each other.

It was a real blessing to be invited into Ryan’s family, to be treated as an insider for a few hours, to experience the joy and love that comprise a healthy family.

In Donald Miller’s book, “To Own a Dragon,” Donald is taken in by a husband and wife and their small children to live for several years in their garage apartment. Donald grew up with his mom, sans father or siblings, and like me, missed out on a lot of the experiences of family. Miller writes of his personal and spiritual growth as a young adult as a result of living with and (finally) being a part of a healthy, loving family. I wonder if God wants me to experience some of this family-ness, if maybe He is preparing me somehow.

Our pastor spoke this morning of people who actually walk away from their families.

Deep down, and as a result of my sin nature, I have a faith problem. I lack true faith that God would actually bring me a family, that I could actually be needed and wanted in a family. The concept of being an integral part of a family unit feels strange to me, and it is hard for me to imagine or believe that God could bring that into my life.

I grew up always feeling like an outsider, an alien, in my family, among my peers, around colleagues and classmates. Now I have a glimpse of being an insider in God’s kingdom and amongst my close friends, but I still long to be part of something closer and more intimate than even my cherished circle of friends.

*Names have been changed