Thankfulness

When I stop to think about it, I find it astounding that the Word of God, everything we need to know, is written in a book that is so easily accessible (at least in the United States) and so compact. Of the Bibles I own, my favorite copy fits easily in my purse. Yet despite its diminutive size, it teaches me something new every time I open it. God’s Word brings me comfort and peace, security and wisdom.

In recent months, I’ve been thinking a lot about God’s grace, particularly with regards to my thoughts and behaviors - my performance. Intellectually, I know that nothing I do or don’t do can make God love me any more. And nothing I do can make Him love me any less. Yet I am human, and a perfectionist, and at times I feel discouraged that I am not doing enough, or I am not doing the right things. At times I worry that I am not living the life that God wants me to live. I feel like I fall so short of what He wants for me.

At these times, I have found that I am most encouraged by meditating not on what I think God wants me to do for Him, but what God has done for me. In an eternal sense, He has given me new life and salvation, the promise of restoration and everlasting life with Him. In a temporal sense, He has filled the sense of emptiness I felt for much of my life. He has given me faith, hope, love, ministry, friends, and He has built my character.

Today, on Thanksgiving Day, I am thankful for His promises to me. What follows are a few of my favorite verses and the blessings I have as a daughter of Christ.

1. I am thankful for the grace of God, His forgiveness, and my adoption as His daughter.

Ephesians 1:4-8 - For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

2. I am thankful that God delights in me, that He loves me.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

3. I am thankful for hope.

Romans 5: 1-5 - Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

4. I am thankful that God wants us to have the desires of our hearts.

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5. I am thankful that I do not need to worry or be anxious, because God is in control.

Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

6. I am thankful for the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23a - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

7. I am thankful that God sent his only son to live the life I should have lived, to die the death I deserve to die, so that I have eternal life.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Friendship

A couple of weeks ago, an old friend whom I‘ll call Susie, actually the sister of a friend with whom I keep in touch a few times a year, called me out of the blue just to chat. Susie has been having a bit of a rough time lately, feeling anxious and discouraged, and she hoped it would help to talk to me.

A couple of weeks before she called, I had been talking to my therapist about loneliness. The impending holidays, combined with some personal struggles, have brought on a sense of alienation and isolation. Naturally, my therapist encouraged me to reach out to others. She advised me to call my closest friends at the times when I feel sad and withdrawn.

While her counsel makes sense rationally, it is difficult for me to reach out to others. I do not want to bother or burden my friends with my struggles. I want to appear as though I have it all together. I do not mind talking about past struggles, but when it comes to current trials, I try to deal with them on my own.

God must have a sense of irony, because just when I thought, “I’ll deal with these feelings by myself,” Susie called asking for a friend to help her talk through her struggles. And did I think she was bothering me, as I would have felt if I had been the call-ee? Not in the slightest. I felt honored that she would open up to me; I felt great respect that she could ask for a friend when in need. I admire her for seeking to grow by reaching out to others. As it turns out, we have much in common, and I felt cared for by her, as we could relate on many issues.

I discussed with her my reluctance to reach out to others, and as it turns out, Susie has the same fears. She contacted me because she was at a point of desperation, but she iterated how difficult it is to call friends when she is struggling. She recounted friends who seem to drain her emotional energy, and she does not want to become one of those people. Of course, if she is worried about being a selfish friend in the first place, she has nothing to worry about. This phenomenon is similar to the admonition that you only have to fret about being insane if you think you are perfectly sane.

When God provides people in our lives, why do we keep to ourselves? Why do we, as women, feel guilty for sharing our burdens with others? How can we reach out to each other more? How can I better care for myself and my friends? Why do we feel so alone at times, while we often share the same struggles?

I am thankful for the women in my life, and for seemingly arbitrary kinship, though it was in God’s plan all along.

What Would Jesus Buy?

This may come as news to some, but the holidays are not just about buying crap. In fact, they do not have to be about buying anything.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and while many are planning their meals, buying their turkeys and tofurkeys, cleaning their houses for guests, and dreading the re-emergence of family dynamics and old grievances, I have been pontificating on what it means to be thankful. You may argue, not entirely erroneously, that Thanksgiving is really about some pilgrims and a big rock. But according to Wikipedia, the ultimate source for reliable and well-researched information, before Thanksgiving was a secular holiday, it was originally meant as a special occasion on which to give thanks to God.

I have heard virtually nothing in popular media about thankfulness as we approach the feast day. However, much as I try to avoid popular media, I have been bombarded by references to Black Friday. Does the name sound ominous to you? I cringe every time I hear the term.

Somehow in our society, we have managed to turn two major holidays (originally meant as occasions on which to thank God and celebrate Him) and the entire interceding month into a consumeristic nightmare. Why is our society so eager to numb out on shopping malls, super marts, and discount stores? Does it seem strange to you that talking about God in popular media is mildly taboo, yet it is perfectly acceptable to convince the masses that happiness is found in a clearance sale?

Does anyone remember that Thanksgiving is about being thankful for the blessings in our lives, and that Christmas is about the birth of Christ, the almighty God born on Earth as a living, breathing infant, poor and homeless?

Personally, I have protested consumerism for years, particularly around the holidays. As a result, my stress levels are at an all-time low, and I am more able to focus on the aspects of the holidays that are important to me. Lately, I have been focused on what I should be doing or not doing, but now is the time to focus on what God has done for me.

The day after Thanksgiving is affectionately known by many as Buy Nothing Day. Participate by not participating. And consider what Thanksgiving and the ensuing days mean to you.

What is Love?

What is love? Not the Haddaway version from “Night at the Roxbury.”

Unexpectedly, someone reminded me yesterday what love is. I did not realize that I had lost sight of the true meaning of love. But gradually over time, I had been confused and misled, thinking that love was . . . I do not even know what I had thought. Maybe love had become conditional.

But love is written clearly and concisely in God’s Word in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Even more important than feeling loved by others (or perhaps as a prerequisite) is to love oneself. Of course, God's love is the ultimate precondition. Because of the kindness of a friend, I suddenly realized that I have not loved myself well recently. I have been anything but patient with and kind to myself. I have been keeping record of all my mistakes and feeling angry and frustrated with myself.

I am thankful that God has loved me in so many ways, no matter what my behavior has been toward myself. He is patient and steadfast, always there listening and guiding me. He exhibits His kindness through the loving kindnesses of His people who leave me a simple note of thanks or who make time to listen when I am sad. Christ came to Earth, the son of God, yet He did not seek power, approval, comfort, or control. God does not hold my sins against me.

Love is a friend who can tell me that I make things too complicated, and who reminds me of the Truth.

Playing With Fire

Yesterday I had the great privilege of visiting a fire station. The first thing I noticed, and the most disappointing part of the trip was that there was no pole, as the fire house only had one floor. I had really been looking forward to risking life and limb by sliding down it. Unfortunately, the government has banned these poles in certain counties because of liability reasons. Too many people get injured. What are they learning in Fireman School if not how to slide down the pole?

Nonetheless, when my awesome pal, who I call The Fireman even to people who know his real name, invited me to visit him at work (aka The Station), I was enthused. I got to meet real live firemen who put their lives on the line every day to protect civilians like me. Well, actually, they only had one call that day from a woman who had called 911 complaining of some nausea and diarrhea that turned out to be nothing but a mild case of the flu. And technically, firemen do not work every day, they work every third day.

But these guys work hard when they are at The Station. I got to see some very special crayon drawings of fire trucks they had colored to decorate their bulletin board. And while I was there, they made me feel right at home - like one of the guys, really. We sat in the comfy day room and watched some major league baseball on their 52" screen television while we chewed the fat about people at the gym who are annoying. (I happen to have met The Fireman at the gym, so we know some of the same characters, and thus had plenty of fodder for discussion.) For instance, we analyzed the forty-something divorcee who seems to be looking for attention a bit too desperately. And we laughed together about the young guy who is overweight but thinks that he is hot and often pulls up his shirt while flexing in front of the mirror. Ugh, gross.

I loved when The Fireman took me on the EMS truck and showed me all the drugs and medical supplies they have. I made sure with my own eyes that they had plenty of individually wrapped packets of fingernail polish remover in stock. He checked my blood pressure and heart rate to make sure I was not dying of excitement. Then he showed me the Jaws of Life, which are housed on the fire engine, and about which I have always had a sick curiosity. I got to sit in the driver's seat of the engine. Finally, he showed me a panel of buttons and levers on the side of the fire truck, but The Fireman said he had no idea what any of that stuff did.

All in all, I had a great time, and I am very thankful to The Fireman for an educational and enjoyable experience.

For the Guys

Some of my male readers began to give me strange looks after my last post, and I certainly do not want the other half of the population to feel neglected. Guys, here are some first date suggestions for you. Your feedback is welcome and appreciated.

1. Be confident: Women are very attracted to confident (not cocky) men. If you struggle with self-esteem, get some counseling. Learn your strengths. You are unique and have a lot to offer. Your problem is not so much your shortcomings (everyone has them) as your lack of confidence in your strengths.

2. Pursue her: Make the first move. Then allow her a counter-move. Do not wait for her to show interest in you before you pursue her. Yes, this is more risky for you because you may be rejected, but you are a man, and women love when a man is willing to take a risk that protects her heart. Once you ask her out, allow her the option of saying yes or no. If she says no, respect her boundaries. Do not try to act like her friend and wait around until she changes her mind. You will be relegated to the dreaded friend zone in her eyes. And she will end up feeling obligated and resentful because you are acting like her friend when you really want something else. Trust me, this will never get you the girl. Move on to someone who is into you. If she says yes, then it is up to you to make the next move again.

3. Take her somewhere unique: No girl gets excited about going to Chili's on a first date. Dinner dates are cliche, and many women will be highly impressed if you come up with a more unusual date idea: the art museum, trivia, botanical gardens, or a concert. Planning these sorts of dates shows that you are willing to put in effort and that you want her to feel special. Though dinner is not my personal preference for a first date, going out to dinner is fine as long as you select a restaurant with character and originality.

4. Offer two options: You want to appear confident and assertive, yet you want her to feel that you care about her interests and opinions. When you offer two options, you are able to exhibit both decisiveness and concern for her. Come up with two date ideas, and offer her a choice: "comedy or drama?" will let you know what type of movie she likes. Have two picked out before you ask, or you will end up asking her more questions and thereby appear indecisive. If you've picked out two lovely restaurants, ask her if she prefers "Thai or Parisian?" Offer her two days of the week: "Are you free on Thursday or Saturday?"

5. Do not feed her lines: Women can smell insincerity a mile away, though we are often too gracious to call you on it. Be advised that we will share it with our girlfriends via phone or text the minute we go to the restroom to "freshen up." Be genuine and compliment her if you like, as women appreciate encouragement, but if you give all women the same cheesy pick up lines ("Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"), she may pretend to be flattered, but she will see right through your pretense and lose respect for you. Specific compliments ("I love that dress on you. The blue really makes your eyes sparkle.") are better than general ones ("You look nice.").

6. Physical touch: Guys have asked me if they should kiss a girl on a first date. You want her to know you are interested (again, avoid the repugnant friend zone), yet you do not want to come on too strong. Some women will be more forward than others. I recommend using physical touch in other ways on a first date: touch her back, her shoulder, or hold her hand. Protect her heart by waiting to kiss her until you are sure you want to date her for a while. A kiss to a woman means emotional involvement, so try to respect that fact. If it feels right, go for it, but just remember that kissing means something different to a woman than it does to a man. My Christian readers will have a different take on this issue than my non-Christian readers.

7. Do not go after a woman who is involved with another guy: It sounds self-evident, but I see it all the time. Guys get interested in a woman who is involved with a jerk, and they think they can rescue her. All you will do by befriending her is become her friend. By pursuing her, you will make her feel suffocated and disrespected. She is not available for you, so leave her alone.

8. Call her: If you are interested in her after your date, call her within a couple of days. Do not wait for her to pursue you. Be a man and pick up the phone. By doing so, you are exhibiting confidence, decisiveness, assertiveness, and respect. These are all qualities that women find very attractive.

9. Do not later ask her for information about her single friends: If it does not work out between the two of you, do not ask her if her dark-haired friend is single. Surely you can meet women in other ways, or at the least, find out from another source if said femme is unattached. I know it sounds obvious, but this happened to me recently. It just makes you come across as immature.

Good luck with your love life. Let me know how it goes.

First Date Rules

In a few short days, a dear friend of mine has a first date with a new guy she met online. She says that she hates playing The Game and wants to Just Be Herself, but unfortunately, many women tend to make some basic first date faux pas. I am certainly not a relationship expert, but I have imparted a list of guidelines for my friend that are helpful for first dates.

I do believe you should be authentic. Do not be deliberately elusive or dishonest. However, you do not want to give him all of you on a first date. You want to guard your precious heart from becoming involved too quickly, and you want him to be intrigued by you so that he will want to know you better.

1. Be confident: Let's face it, even the most beautiful women loathe aspects of their appearance. But on a first date, do not say anything self-deprecating. If you are not secure and confident, try pretending that you are. Act as if you believe you are a worthwhile person who feels competent and attractive.

2. Be mysterious: Focus on the present, and do not delve into past relationships, especially relationship failures or who did what to whom. If asked directly, give a brief and casual reply, but keep the focus of the conversation on your life in the present. You want to keep a man curious about you, and you want to guard your heart. When he asks you questions about your inner being, it is tempting to open up to him and spill your whole life story, but once he knows all about you, he will be bored and you will wonder why he never calls again. If the relationship progresses, you will have plenty of time for him to get to know you.

3. Remember you are doing him a favor: This rule goes along with having confidence. Go on the date with a mindset that he gets to experience the pleasure of your company. If you feel like he is doing you a favor by taking you out, you may need to work on your self-esteem a bit. Most women struggle with self-esteem, but most women have many awesome qualities. Focus on those good qualities. He asked you out for a reason.

4. Do not offer your phone number or email unless asked directly: If he does not already have your contact information, do not offer it freely. Make him work for it. The way cognitive dissonance works is that thinking changes to match behavior. If he has to make effort and actively pursue you, he will value you more.

5. End the date first: You want to leave him wanting more, so try to be the one to conclude the date. When the dinner or activity is over, tell him it is time for you to go. You do not have to give a reason or flimsy excuse. It is simply time for the date to end. You may feel like you want to spend five more hours staring into his eyes and telling him your deepest feelings, but again, you want to maintain an air of mystery. Make him work to get to know you. Leave him curious and he will call you again.

6. Do not mention your future with him: At the conclusion of the date, do not say that you will talk to him soon or see him again. These are his lines. If he asks you directly if you would like to go out again, you may say yes if you are interested. Otherwise, you may simply thank him for the date and leave it at that.

7. Do not contact him after the date: Do not follow up with him via email, text, phone call, my space, or facebook. Pursuing you and being the leader of the relationship is his job. Do not take his responsibility away from him. Over the hours and days following the date, you will likely convince yourself to just send him a quick note to thank him and surreptitiously remind him that you exist and are interested, but refrain from it. If he is interested in you, he will contact you.

8. Keep it short: When he does contact you to set up a second date, keep the conversation short, around five minutes long. Again, you will leave him wanting more, and he will pursue you harder. Act pleasant, do not ask him what he has been doing all week (you know you just want to see why he did not call you sooner, but let it go), and let him lead the conversation. If he does not contact you, do not worry or take it personally. Perhaps he has other women or obligations in his life, or maybe he simply is not right for you.